Dear Parents of College Students

The Clown Motel (Photo credit: Great Beyond)

TO MY CHILDREN: THIS IS KNOWN AS SATIRE. DON’T GIVE ME “THE FACE.”

Dear Moms and Dads of College Students,

It’s been a long summer so I need to start this letter with an apology, I feel so badly for all of you.  Believe me, I am going through the same thing with my two, you are not alone. We are all here in solidarity. I’m writing to you today, on behalf of those of us parents who have been through this for a few years already and we want to forewarn you on the things that might be coming around the corner. We had no one to tell us, and believe us, we wish we had, so here is some helpful information, a guide, as you will, for YOU to get adjusted to college life. Let me put it bluntly: This is a phase after freshmen year usually called: YOU CAN DO NOTHING RIGHT.

After that as your child gets older you will all be; ” AS STUPID AS F**K.  Usually it’s the condescending tone of voice, the eye roles, the groans of disgust and the stony faces that will give you a clue. Now? You see them huddled over their computer screens not even acknowledging your presence. “Huh, what, did you say something.” The only question I get asked (think back to grade school) is “What’s for dinner?” What happened to manners? What happened to “NO TEXTING AT THE TABLE?” What happened to “can I help?”

We know nothing, our advice (unwanted) is not listened to and who asked us anyway? Face it people WE JUST DON’T GET IT.  The kids are not “home” they are here to stay as if they were staying at a MOTEL and you, mom and dad are the full-time, 24/7 concierge. What? You didn’t get that message from the college newsletters? Oh, well, right, it’s ASSUMED. Duh.

College students know much more ABOUT EVERYTHING than we do because basically WE KNOW. NOTHING. We are the “older generation” and people like us, well, we just don’t know the same things that they which they have practically learned in training pants. “Sigh (in a condescending tone)  I’ve shown you this on the computer three times already” “I know, I say sheepishly but I forgot, it’s not my fault. I have NO short-term memory.” I beg pathetically.  Deep heaving and annoying sigh, “Oh fine, mom, I’ll show it to you ONCE more but write it down.” At this point, embarrassed and demeaned you say, “Never mind, I’ll google it.” which is what you should do in the first place or called Apple even if you are on hold for two hours. Some things WE need to learn, this is one of them.

Who are these strange grown-ups dropping in at our home? I don’t recognize them this time, I don’t even know their friends who are sleeping in our family room. We want to make our kids happy so of course we say yes to their grown-up sleepovers. My gosh, we are not living in our home anymore, we have become a bed and breakfast, lunch or dinner. More likely, we have become a free-motel. Our warm, compassionate kids have become distant and aloof and self-involved while they haven’t stopped for a second to think about us. Why? Because we don’t exist except to pay the bills and welcome their friends with a smile.

The question begs to ask “who are we?” We are just the same old Mom and Dad that haven’t really changed much compared to their quick minds and independent thoughts. We’re stuck in the mud, while they zoom off to have fun with their new friends, to study what they want and to pop back here to see their old friends when it is convenient for them. We are no longer part of the equation, well, ok, maybe at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Once you accept it, it gets SO much easier.

It’s almost time for them to leave, for them to go back “home” to their suites and apartments in college. They have their own cars now. We don’t have to drive them up like the princes and princesses they are. They can unpack by themselves with the help of their suite mates. They will call once a week, maybe more. And, knowing us, we will be there for them at any and every time because that is what parenting children is about, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

” Hello, my name is Laurie and I am a……”

Technophobe.  Idiot.  Computer moron. Welcome to this club where computer illiterates will feel right at home. We welcome you. We don’t make fun of you if you don’t know that the Apple sign on the Mac looks like two squiggles. We understand. Everyone told me “Get a Mac, they are so EASY, you don’t have to do ANYTHING!”  Are you kidding me? I have a Mac, I think it’s complicated and I didn’t grow up (like my children did) learning about computers since first grade. Macs are not easy for me, no computer is easy for me and as much as I appreciate e-mail (although somehow it got interchangeable with the stamp icon and I am totally confused)  and a few other things like IM, I am not comfortable on the Mac. Don’t feel singled out, I am not comfortable on any computer, but your commercials were so cool!!

My husband works in the computer field, my daughter and son know all about computers and there are 4 Macs in this household. I use the Mac mainly for this writing blog and e-mail but I don’t know how to upload or download pictures. And for all my friends who say “send me a new photo” basically, I can’t. My son, 17, who gets frustrated the first 9 times he shows me, gives up after that. My daughter says “I already showed you.”  My husband who has sat with me numerous times AND I have taken notes during the lecture, ok tutorial, I still can’t follow what I have written down and so I can’t do it by myself.

I’m hopeless. Generally speaking, I either BEG for someone to do it for me (and yes, I do pay attention) or threaten to call one of the companies for impaired people like me. I don’t know why people can’t be sympathetic with this type of impairment. I think we should be covered under the ADA.  So, Dear Mr. Jobs, admittedly you are a complete genius, and pretty much everyone that works for you is probably very intelligent too. Of course, they probably could be my sons and daughters, if not grandchildren. But, what about us “old” folks? How about a computer for real dummies not just a book which we don’t understand either.

Mr. Jobs, I respect you and admire you but to tell you the truth I admire you and your wife for your incredible generosity to charity and funding for various institutions more than I do this incredible computer company.  You make a fine machine, Mr. Jobs, but you and your wife are finer human beings just being in this world and giving of yourselves. That, to me, is a club I would be honored to join.

p.s. I AM SO SORRY but  I was just told that I mixed you up with Bill and Melinda Gates but I am sure you do good stuff too. And, somehow I pushed a button which made this whole blog disappear except for the first 3 words and it took my daughter AND my husband to find it again. Sorry again about the mix-up, maybe YOU can forward it to the Gates’ ? If I do you know I will lose it again…