Same Old Pain, Now With Migraines

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I’m used to the pain I have from Fibromyalgia, it’s not bad most days, no pain killers needed. Sure, there are a few days, mostly weather-related, that it gets worse but I can  stand that too, most of the time. It was under control until one day when I started having a headache that would not go away.

 

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I’ve had plenty of headaches before mostly in the middle of my head and that’s how this one started so I thought nothing of it. I took Tylenol, the only medicine I am allowed  (Chronic Kidney Disease) to take, but it did not help. It was a mild headache for two days, I thought nothing of it.

Suddenly, the pain started crawling up on the left side of my face. It settled there like a jumbo jet that had just landed at the airport and was pulling straight into the proper gate. Passengers came off the plane then airline crew, the plane was cleaned and this baby was not going anywhere tonight. The headache had landed.

 

It’s hard to imagine I have another pain symptom but I accept it as my curse, this ugly life of mine. At almost 58 years old I now get migraines. “Welcome to the club” I mutter angrily under my breath, asking: “Why me?”

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The first migraine, which ended me in the Emergency Room of the hospital moaning in pain and begging for a shot of something, anything, to relieve the intense, hammering pain happened a couple of months ago. “Nice to meet you, meet your new doctor, your Nurologist”.

I thought it was a one time thing, A visit to the Emergency Room, a shot and hydration and two days later I was fine. I went home where the lights were dim, I was safe in bed and all I wanted was darkness and no company, no radio, no television, just black solitude. I laid on my back and pulled the covers over my forehead, yes, this was my safe place, I promised myself the pain was over, gone for good.

Unfortunately, it came back with a vengeance twice more. Once a month ago and one two weeks ago.  I tried all the tricks, the medicine to supposedly make it go away before it really hits, a dark room, breathing slowly, ice, pressure points, Reiki, meditation….you name it, I tried it but it is clinging on to my head with traction and beating harder and harder.

It is now moving to the center of my forehead and the hammer is following after the movement, banging away, beat after beat rhythmically while all I can do is shut down and shudder.

Deutsch: “Kopfschmerzen”. Die wohl berühmteste – stark von James Gillray beeinflußte – Arbeit in einer Reihe von sechs Blättern “medizinischer” Karikaturen, in denen Cruikshank Krankheiten als Teufelswerk brandmarkt. Erstmalig publiziert: 12. Februar 1819. Originalgröße: 210 x 255 mm (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I know this isn’t fair, I know that life isn’t fair. I have accepted this new symptom because i don’t have a choice. It has joined the family of maladies that already exist, trapped in every limb of my body, from head to toe.

 

Since I was five I’ve always had a very low tolerance for pain, my parents used to tell me that. If one orange baby aspirin worked on other children to get their temperatures down, I needed two. I am still that way, believe me, it isn’t fun.

Recently, a friend told me to push my Internist to check more complicated Lyme Disease tests and I will do that. What are the chances? I don’t know but I will try. I don’t want to get even remotely excited.

Been there, done that, way too many times. I have no hope. I feel battered.

Enough already. This is getting old. Fast.

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Haiku Horizons, Empty

Ripped pieces, blood, knife

Abandoned Shoe (Photo credit: Auntie P)

stabbed, throttled, dark alleyways

Empty, taken, dead.

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Bare gray beach shack, left

Let’s Get a Little House Down By the Beach (Photo credit: Thomas Hawk)

Abandoned with laughter, joy

*A new home for Life.

*******************************************

People weep alone

Despair (Photo credit: fakelvis)

gray tunnels of emptiness

Selfish acts of love.

*************************************************

* a new home for Alice.

 

 

 

 

 

Free Write Friday, Kellie Elmore. ” I Fear The Night…”

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

“I fear the night

I fear the dark

I need this light

this special spark”

After my parents have tucked me in, kissed my forehead and said good-night I make them leave my door open a crack so I can still see the light. I know when they go to sleep, they turn it off. Those scary images outside my window start coming inside to my room. Every. Single Time. I am scared of the dark and when the evil ghost, witches and monsters start coming inside my room, I feel like I am going to throw up.

Long, pointy black brittle fingers from the mean witch come straight at my eyes, I try closing my eyes but they stay open. Hairy, big, green and brown monsters attack my head and as soon as I feel them clutching my head, I shake them off, but they come right back like super glue. It’s like a clamp, getting tighter and tighter until the pain is unbearable. I start screaming for help but no words come out of my mouth.

I stay frozen in fear unable to move my arms or legs. Now, every part of my body feels like concrete.  I just want to be safe but there is a twin sister witch in the corner hovering over me with her nasty broom and she is roaring, deep, dark sounds, telling me “she will never let me get up”. I try to look for any possible escape and see a corner of a window but I know my body can’t move. The witch sees my eyes look over the tiny bit that I can and out of the window comes hot boiling cauldrons of scalding black and red oil flowing into the room. Anyone that touches that would get burned and eaten alive. The witch sisters scream with laughter.

They. Know. My. Name. Now, I know that they really ARE meant to torture just me. “BENJAMIN” they boom and my heart beats so fast it feels like it is going to jump out of my body and sure enough there is an evil gnome with no eyes and nose right next to my body with his hand outstretched as if to take my heart any second. It makes my heart beat even faster and it hurts. I start not being able to breathe…until, until… I am being gently woken up and my room has its lights on again. I see my mommy but I am mad at her, “where were you before when I needed you?” My mom is trying to tell me “It was a nightmare.” For a minute I don’t understand, everything was so real. I try to explain but soon as she continues to hug me and not let go the images fade away and finally I am relaxing and I try not to cry with relief.

Mommy says “that’s the last scary movie you will ever be allowed to see” and for a moment I pretend to be mad but secretly, I am so relieved.  My mom’s arms are still around me, and before I can even ask she says “I’m not going anywhere, buddy, I’m staying right here until long after you fall asleep.”

AScared child (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

all photo credit

goes to the very talented @Doug88888.

Free Write Friday, Kellie Elmore (Winter to Summer)

Get a Life. (Photo credit: the.barb)

Nurturing A Dying Plant

Nick and Kailey, 23,  live together in a dark basement apartment, in Cambridge, MA.  They met in graduate school and dated for several years. Now, they both worked from home, in technology. Kailey’s parents refers to them as “moles.” “They act as if they were in hiding, as if they were in the witness protection program,” she complains to her husband.Nick was absolutely happy living this way however, Kailey has her doubts, she missed seeing other people and having parties but she loved Nick and knew this was important to him.

The long, tough winter in Cambridge had made Kailey so weary, so depressed because even though their apartment was in the basement she missed the light that came in through their one window. She missed seeing other people, her old friends but Nick wanted her to himself and she knew that proved how much he loved her. She felt safe and happy and deeply loved.

One day in June when she heard birds chirping outside their window, and sniffed the changing air Kailey started to feel happier. She was excited and couldn’t wait to go outside yet Nick had no interest. Finally after much begging and pleading he did go with her but he didn’t seem pleased. They walked up the four steps to the outside where their eyes blinked and they used their hands to shade them from the brightness. Kailey squealed with delight and Nick just wanted to go back inside where he felt most comfortable among his computers.

Once outside, tree buds pink with anticipation were blooming, grass was sturdy and deep green, standing upright saluting the sun, people were no longer wearing their puffy down jackets. Instead they were wearing their Harvard sweatshirts, rowing on the Charles River in perfect synchronicity. Kailey looked around at the life around her, people smiling, holding cups of iced coffee in their hands, throwing frisbees across the greens and laughing with pleasure. Kailey smiled openlyas soon as she was outside, her cheeks getting pink, exposed to fresh air and the sun. She was laughing out loud at all the activity and after a while a group of kids playing frisbee asked Kailey and Nick if they wanted to join  their game. Kailey joined their game begging Nick to join but, as usual, he refused adamantly.

“Kailey, he shouted a short time later, it’s time to go home” and for the first time, in a long time, she didn’t follow him immediately. Her new friends begged her to stay awhile longer and she did. “I’ll be back later” she told Nick and turned back to her new friends, laughing, breathless and happy. She had been with Nick for a very long time. She didn’t see them getting married soon, there was something missing and she had always known that. Nick loved living in the dark world, it was there he felt most comfortable but Kailey didn’t. Once she saw the sunshine, her senses became alive, she couldn’t imagine going back to the place she had lived with Nick.  She sat herself down on the grass and started thinking about her life. Did she really still love Nick or was Nick her safety net? Was she happy living the same life that Nick lived? No, she knew that.  She felt like an old, thirsty plant that was dying, needing water and sunlight, nurturing.

It was time, she thought, time to tell Nick something she had known for a long time but had been too scared to think about much less mention it. Their relationship was more of convenience than anything else. Nick was comfortable in his own world of technology, alone with his computers, not needing people or nature around him. Kailey was different, playing frisbee wtih new friends in the sunlight, laughing and having fun had exposed her to a world that she used to live in, a world where things were light, sunny, happier and free. She sat alone for quite some time, thinking, reluctant to get up. Finally, she headed back to the house, up the hill, her head down. Her world had changed, now she needed to tell Nick that she was not complete just living in the dark. She wanted more, more for herself, more fun in her life, more brightness. She was going to try to say goodbye to darkness, and head slowly to the light.

Haiku Heights: Change

English: Fall leaves in Eugene, Oregon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Burnt orange-red leaves

fade to brown threads of winter

acid dreams of hell.

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Tunnel of darkness

small kids become teenagers

Years before the light.

Is that the light at the end of the tunnel? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Haiku Heights – Conscious

07_08_07 097_moons+stars (Photo credit: al_green)

Buying cards, sharp pain

a gasp, I am slumped over.

I forgot he died.

*****

I dip my green eyes

lower to a slice of youth

Smile to escape here.

*****

Let me sleep, I beg

Hide me, deep in my clothing

Until it’s my Time.

*****

Haiku Heights – Shroud

Shrouded (Photo credit: Mountain Hermit)

In secret black webs

evil thoughts bake with bright blood

hidden plans, cookies?

***

Black gooey shrines

mask the real terror of life,

Every day moments.

***

A white gown of lace

now fitted to perfection

her stark red lipstick.

***

Misty, cloudy fog

squeezed me away from my Love

Twists my throat, deeply.

***

Carry on Tuesday: Who has seen the wind? Neither I or you

Autumn Leaves (Photo credit: oddsock)

I am only one of the dappled leaves moving in the air as we  quietly dance on pointe in a ballet or more likely swirling around like modern dancers with beautifully colored scarves. We live together in our community of family and friends: red and orange, green, yellow, brown, all leaves together intermingling in the air waving to each other all the time. Next time we are out in full, watch our tips, like little fingers, we are always trying to touch each other, tickle each other and make each other laugh, we love this game. In answer to your question, yes, we travel together as a family.

Against the velvet blue skies people look up and stare at us, we look back down at them and see wide eyes of all colors: brown, blue, black, like little buttons. Under stormy thunderous clouds,  people look down and scuff their feet on us and mutter angry words; those aren’t our best days either.

When it is Autumn we seem to be most popular with people in their cars actually following us as we dance and play and flirt and cache. Our colors burn us with brightness, it’s a lovely feeling really, we become alive, we explode in our own skins. We blaze the sky with our lush, vibrant colors. We are our own theater, as we swirl and pirouette in the sky. Some people talk of “the wind” that makes us dance but we don’t know what wind is. I ask my friends do they know what the word “wind” means? Have they seen the “wind?” I haven’t. They don’t know what it is either so we just laugh it off and dance some more. We don’t spend much time with word games or any games except the one where we try to tickle each other. We live a simple, sweet life. We do love the attention and to hear the gasping sounds you make on the ground as you marvel at our colors and our performances.

We are a family of leaves, we care about each others happiness, we guard each others safety, we protect one another. We hide in the winter, we need to regroup after our fall showing, the performances we put on for you, we put all our intense energy into that. We love to do this for you for a little while but then we need to rest. We fade, we’re tired, we start to dry up. We hate not looking our best, we are all vain, it’s quite true.

We see each other when the festivities are over, when we people collect us all together before winter comes. We are swept away in piles with hands or rakes or with loud machines. We love it when children jump in us, just to hear their laughter makes us happy. Soon, we need to settle down to sleep, in the quiet corners of the earth, where we cuddle up with one another and lie close together smelling the musky scent of the earth.

Before the snow blankets us with white lace, we put our arms around each other and rock gently. Yes, it will be our time together very soon but not yet. We need to sleep, we need to rest as everyone does at some time. We huddle closer and closer and remind ourselves that without this icy blast, this cold frost we would not know any difference in our worlds. We only appreciate warmth and the sun because we have felt the bitter cold blast and have seen total darkness.

Haiku Heights – Soul

Sun Catcher (Photo credit: ecstaticist)

Soul mates intertwined

Staring at the starry night

Sun, moon, darkness, love

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Deep inside, my love

Bleeding hearts echo in sin

Learning not to kiss

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Sinewy angels

Dip their glittered souls in rage

Their throaty laughter

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The red flower laughs

A life to be reckoned with

we, of the same earth

Tired, Tired, Tired

(106/365) Tired but can’t sleep (Photo credit: Sarah G…)

I can’t watch the news anymore; even when I just glance at the news on the computer, I know the world is a scary place, a terrible place.  The fear is in my stomach first, like raw clenching tentacles and the tightness inside me like an army of multi-colored stretched rubber bands.  I feel anxious, I see it reflected in my own eyes, fear, insecurity, doubt. Yes, the world is a bad place and many dreadful things happen. I also take other people’s pain and clutch it in my arms, like a hug surrounding a wounded child.

I can list a number of my most awful days in a second, like rapid-fire stock market trading but when I try to conjure up incredibly good days, I have to think, hard. The usual, marriage and childbirth come up, of course, but really, what was the last golden day I had that was out of the ordinary?  I stop to think. Tonight, I can’t come up with anything; my brain has been taken over by fear and pain.

I know I am too sensitive but it sticks with me like a second skin; sometimes I invent future nightmares. I know I shouldn’t do that and I try to stop myself  but there are times when I feel overwhelmed. It passes, I know, but while it happens, I forget.

My legs, from Fibromyalgia tonight are aching, painful, much more than usual. Fibromyalgia is eating up my world slowly but aggressively. New symptoms, tingling and numbness of my hands and feet, leg pain, imbalance, nerve pain too. It wasn’t supposed to get worse, that’s what the doctor told me, or did I dream that? I knew it wouldn’t get better and I accepted that easily but today is so much more painful than other days. I want the pain to end and drown in sleep. Tonight, I want to curl up and try to find a comfortable position and just lay here in the dark. I asked my husband to come upstairs to kiss me good-night, I haven’t done that in many years; his tender kiss on my forehead reassuring.

I don’t want conversation or to watch television, I don’t want to read a morbid book or even a funny book and I don’t want to listen to music which usually calms my soul. I just want to stay still in the dark and breathe evenly and not hurt. This pain is severe; I never take pain medication but tonight I may have to grope for a pill from an outdated prescription.  I don’t really want to take it, it’s a false reading of tortured limbs but tonight, but tonight I need a break.

A break from physical and emotional pain, let me lie here and fall asleep with my dog sleeping on my foot and my warm diet root beer by my side. Let me forget the worry and the fear and the pain. “I don’t want to fight,” I said, to my sister online; I don’t want to waste the little energy I have on our frequent disagreements. Fighting is not the answer and not the solution. This stress on me is unnecessary and I want it to end, there is no room in my life for painful interactions. Whatever it takes, I promise to try to do it because I want peace between us, even if sometimes, it is artificial.

Let me stay in my little corner tonight, huddled on one side and let me sleep, just let me sleep.