Haiku Horizons, Show

*

Scared, fetal show, curl

no support, worried, nerve wounds

The blame is off me.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

(How could I learn to jump if everyone told me I could not fly?)

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Show-off, smirk, liar

evil, petty, star, money

No heart, cold as ice.

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

(What is the meaning of success to you?)

*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Trying to leave you

Show me how, pink butterfly

So weak from drama.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Life is not easy, both parties need to try, weakened by drama. Help each other out.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

* Zemanta photos are not in use this week

 

Haiku Horizons, DRIFT

 

Fiery red ants climb

 

A human leg three days after coming in brief c...

A human leg three days after coming in brief contact with a fire ant colony (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

drift into tight follicles

 

 

 

 

 

Scratching pink skin raw.

 

 

 

 

 

*******************

 

 

 

 

 

Die, near ecstasy

Mother Ocean

Mother Ocean (Photo credit: belindah-Thank You!-200.000 Views Now)

 

 

 

 

roar, overpowering Life

 

 

 

 

 

Waves, sand, drift away.

 

 

 

 

 

******************************

 

 

 

 

Driftwood & pebbles

Driftwood & pebbles (Photo credit: Jerzy Durczak)

 

Driftwood, lies in dirt

 

 

 

 

 

Shaped like a  young bucking foal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trying to escape.

 

 

 

 

 

**********************************

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

Love Grows, Life Changes

Toothbrush, photo taken in Sweden

Toothbrush, photo taken in Sweden (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It takes but a minute for everything in your life to change your life completely.  It hits you with a tremendous blow, shock, grief but you can get used to that since you have no choice, you are completely unaware. No choice is not a world I want to live in either.

When I travel now, I usually forget to bring my blue toothbrush and white bristles, so too, the tooth paste. I never needed it before, it was a silly tradition, I know, but one that delighted me. Knowing that I could always use your toothbrush when we were away together. That was the type of intimacy that I knew about. Silly things like that.

Now, I can’t. I understand that you didn’t want to leave me, that your heart was very sick,  clogged arteries that were too far along to be saved but I wished for it anyway. I was in the in-between place of hope and reality. “Please, please, please” I would murmur under my breath in a chant as if maybe God would tune in faster or adjust his schedule but nothing changed.

It was your time, my love, and you knew it as well as I did. Imagine, trying to cheer me up when you were about to die and leave me hanging here like a piece of dangling thread blowing softy in the sunshine, back and forth, back and forth.

We came in together, arm in arm, walking slowly through the mushy gray snow and yet when I left there was nobody beside me, nobody to take my hand, nobody to put their arms around my shoulders, to reassure me.

Our children called but they were not here, they had their own families and excuses now. I understood completely how their husbands and wives did not want them to cross to the other side of the country as well, to get soaked up in my misery and the lost of their daddy. Nobody knew that more than I.

Yet, I thought death would come, most certainly, in the middle of the night, my naïve silence and undisturbed sleep, awakened by the shrill of the old yellow phone I still used by the bedside. But now, in reality, it didn’t work that way, I was right by your side, as you took your last breath and calmly closed your eyes.

English: Portrait of old woman sitting by a wi...

English: Portrait of old woman sitting by a window. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“That’s it?” I thought to myself? Death could slip in on soft kitten feet and steal away my husband with no big fanfare at all? Steal his loveliness, the color of his lips and cheeks and joy for life in a matter of seconds, while I stood there watching, watching the blood drain from him?

I put my head on his cold chest and I cried but I knew his hands couldn’t comfort me, or hold me like they had. From now on, I was no longer part of a couple, I was alone. My name was now “Widower.” It stayed that way for a very long time until I too decided it was time enough to join your father, there was nothing useful about me without him. He was my life.

I said goodbye to all the children and grandchildren with a long good-bye and gave each special hug.

It took too many weeks to get my affairs in order but I would know when the time was right. One day they all came in for Christmas, I saw each child and grandchild. After they left, I knew it was my time to go.This has been planned before the death of my husband Harold, he would do the same if I had died first.  It wasn’t hard at all but it was something we needed to do, I was only sorry that I had postponed this day for so many long weeks. Let’s face it, I had no regrets. Ever.

I had no interest in living a life without my other half. It was like living empty, physically here yet without a soul. No, I didn’t want that at all.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Haiku Heights

USELESS

Snooze, dear old man, gramps

children gone,

all alone, sad.

rock your empty chair.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Typical Finnish wooden rocking chair.

Typical Finnish wooden rocking chair. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Blink, joy, blink sadness

numb eyes drool, lips shake, quiver

Alone is black-gray.

******************************************

Enhanced by Zemanta

FWF Kellie Elmore

“We started dying before the snow, and like the snow, we continued to fall.” — Louise Erdrich, TracksPain Teens (album)

I was weary, weak beyond anyone’s mind could see. It wasn’t just my physical pain that had failed me, I was used to pain. It stayed with me like a shadow every day and night of my life. This was different, this was emotional, mind pain that wrapped itself around my neck and pulled tight. I knew I could breathe but I felt like I couldn’t, like some evil demon was choking me, I could practically see inside myself, red, raw lines around my throat from the choke marks. This would be my undoing. I hoped it was.

I knew I couldn’t fight and the hysteria that I felt came bubbling up like a spring on a hot, dry day. I was out of control, lots of pills, lots of pills. Weed too. I could see the water but I couldn’t taste it or feel it. As much as I knew that logically, it didn’t prevent me from continually trying, again, the pain getting deeper, the vice holding my throat deepening every second. I was only thirteen but I had lived a thousand years already, I wanted to die, I was not scared of death. That was not a fear I had.

I knew what I was up against, I already had been living on the streets my whole life. It didn’t matter. No pills I bought from the street, that I dry swallowed, could lessen that inside feeling of feeling out of control. It was a horrible feeling, so I tried more pills, pink, blue, white, lots of colors. Like in a magazine, little pretty children wandering alone, not being able to find their mother in the middle of a busy city, constantly calling out, yet nobody would answer them. They were lost but not found. It did not have a happy ending. All these children could do was cry and be afraid and the story would finish just the way it started. I knew better than that. I kept popping more pills, nothing was happening to me. Yet.

Sometimes that’s the way the world works. Not everything gets tied up perfectly with a pink, lace ribbon, curled on the ends. Not everyone is a tiny ballerina on stage, showered with perfect red roses after a performance on their pointed pink ballet shoes. No, that was for dreamers and I was no dreamer. That was for people, the very tiny amount of people that lived in the rich life I never came in contact with but I heard about or read about it. My mother was a junkie, she lived on the streets, sometimes but not with me, no. I saw my mom who I called “Destiny” shooting up heroin in a corner, on a street. We didn’t say hello to each other. Usually she was so out of it she wouldn’t know me. When I recognized her, I pretended I didn’t. Me, popping pills, her doing heroin.

I was a street child, a crazy one at that. I lived here and there, whatever place I decided was mine for the night. The only name my mother ever called me was “gutter-child.” That’s the only name I knew.

FWF Kellie Elmore: B Is For Bum

English: Three drug addicts seen smoking a hug...

English: Three drug addicts seen smoking a huge amount of crack cocaine, in a downtown eastside alley, in Vancouver BC Canada. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“When you get into a tight place you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” Harriet Beecher Stowe

“Bitches,” Anna growled underneath her breath, what the fuck do they know? These stupid clichéd words were written on a huge, dumb banner in bright red, thick letters right when you walked into the room. A bare room with folding chairs, a typical support group, she was there for what they called “Substance Abuse.” Yeah, you know, weed, coke, meth, snow, uppers and downers and whatever shit she could find to snort up her nose or inject into her spidery veins.

She had gone to court appointed meetings from jail, not like she had a choice, she had gotten busted, “possession of illegal drugs.” Big deal. She only had two more “meetings” to go to get her out of prison and then she would be free. These fools knew nothing. They didn’t even know that right here in the audience she was high.  Hopefully, if she was careful, she could score coke after the meeting but that was tricky.

What did these rich, entitled “group leaders” know about suffering and pain? They stood up there beaming, wearing their matching navy skirts and blazers and talking to us like we were a lower species. Oh sure, they said they had gone through the program too. Really? Maybe they used coke twice or three times at a party  and got busted or hooked and their CFO husbands had found out so they went to some private, fancy, swimming pool facility in a secluded area in the Berkshires or San Diego where it is warm.

They were probably in for  two weeks, paid the fine and out. Simple, easy, if you have money and a really good lawyer. That stupid banner was not for people like me, it was for people like them. Didn’t they get it? The world is divided into those who have and those who have not. My wicked step-mother is one of those kind of people, she lives in the land of entitlement, in a suburb in a big mansion, except there’s no room for her stepdaughter, you know, me the drug addict.

She and my daddy can have five martinis plus and smoke cigarettes but I’m not allowed to sleepover, damn hypocrites with their “own” children now. You know what? You don’t always learn when you are “in a tight place.” Got that? It’s not FOR everyone.  Me? I’ve been pushed into a lot of tight places in my life, gray, dusty, tiny, urine smelling corners and what did I learn? I learned to get out of that space and find another. That’s it. Some people like tiny spaces, especially those whose daddy don’t love them any more.

There you have it twinkle-toes. “Tides don’t always turn” and maybe I don’t want  this tide to turn. Face it, my daddy and I used to be so close, and now he doesn’t even talk to me. She made him like that, I know it. He doesn’t want anything to do with me now, the wicked witch of the north changed him and now I’m trash. So, you see that corner I’m in? Once I get out, I’m hitching a ride to NYC, to live in the streets with my fellow bums, to get drunk every single day with beer and cheap box wine and at night score drugs until I’m dead and gone. You think I want to be alive? Hell no.

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

Harriet Beecher Stowe

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/harrietbee126390.html#CjQDWIeOXQhWKejR.99

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

Harriet Beecher Stowe

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/harrietbee126390.html#CjQDWIeOXQhWKejR.99

Just One Flight Of Stairs (Mary and Rhoda)

Valerie Harper

Valerie Harper (Photo credit: AlephNull)

I’ve been upset since I heard the horrific news about Valerie Harper’s incurable brain tumor. Every time I think about “Rhoda” my eyes fill with tears. I couldn’t sleep for a week and I was upset and anxious. How could Rhoda be dying? I was in shock as I’m sure millions of other fans were too.

Rhoda, as we knew her, was Mary’s best friend in the

English: Publicity photo of Mary Tyler Moore a...

English: Publicity photo of Mary Tyler Moore and Valerie Harper from The Mary Tyler Moore Show. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“The Mary Tyler Moore Show” and they lived in the same building. I had a best friend like that for a little while when I lived in Boston. Similarly, I lived in my upstairs studio and she lived in the downstairs studio. We didn’t have large initials of the letters of our first names hanging on our walls but I was always tempted to buy them. We always compared ourselves to Mary and Rhoda; they were icons in our lives; they were icons of an entire generation.

My old friend and I worked, lived independently, made money and at night, she and I would go out for dinner. On Saturday nights we would wait for the papers to come out, often eating ice cream sundaes, chocolate ice cream for her, vanilla ice cream for me, with whipped cream and loads of gooey hot fudge sauce dripping over the bowl with a red maraschino cherry on top. I’m not sure of this, but I think she gave me hers. We spent a lot of time together for years and during that time, we trusted each other with our lives. Our friendship ended, but I still remember those days, with fondness.

Valerie was told by doctors she has about three months to live. Three months to live is a blink of an eye. Rhoda/Valerie, when your time comes, I hope your loved ones are by your side and the things you love most, or fresh fruit juice so your lips won’t get dry. I pray you are pain-free. (Make sure you are pain-free, make them promise. In writing!)

I’m so happy that at least you know how happy you made all of your fans. We love you, we always will. We laughed because of you. Thank you, Valerie, for all the love and goodness and laughter you brought into the world for so many people. I grew up with you, it will be very hard to say good-bye. It already is. I will try to relish every second while I can, enjoy every day with the utmost of optimism, love like I have never loved before and laugh as much as I possibly can. I hope other people will do it with me, many others. Let’s do it, in honor, of Valerie.  I think she would like that.

Carry on Tuesday: Fear not for the future, Weep not for the past

My Grandparents

My Grandparents (Photo credit: protoflux)

“John, you listen up, I’ve been trying to talk to you all morning. Now sit down next to me you old fool and stop teasing me. I’m just having one of my worrying spells. Oh, stop shaking your head back and forth, you old buzzard, you knew I had these spells back when you married me.

What’s it been now, almost 40 years we’ve been together? So long that at night, my breathing slows down to yours, even when that darn snoring of yours wakes me up, why I just push you over and fall back asleep.

We’re old badgers but we’re lucky cause we got grandchildren now.  Stevie’s third child is due in two months, imagine that. Why I still remember when our own babies were born, like it was yesterday. I don’t remember lots of things, but I remember that clear as day. We had two babies running around in those cotton messy diapers, oh my, all the washing and cleaning in the tub.

Do you remember when the kids went to college? Sure, we were proud as can be but I was sad deep down, all the time. I still had their baby photos up all around and I just had to take them down cause they hurt me to see them, all loving and sweet and innocent. I had me a stabbing pain that caught my breath and wouldn’t leave. The kids didn’t seem to need us anymore. All they wanted to do was be with their friends and drink, least that’s what it felt like to me.

We had each other though, so we could talk between us but those weren’t good years. You remember those years? Of course you don’t, you remember nothing. Don’t pinch me old man, I can still laugh at you, I’m your wife, you best remember that.

I do look forward to when the kids visit. Seeing our babies with their babies. People used to tell us how great it was to be Grandparents and they were right. Those grandchildren are pure magic, fat, cuddly babies with sticky faces but I sure hope I’m still alive to see them as teenagers. I’m laughing and shaking my head thinking bout how bad our kids were in their teens and early twenties. Why I’d enjoy our grandchildren acting up to their parents like ours did to us. Wouldn’t you?

How much time left you think we got left, Johnny? Come on what do you think? I know you can’t say for sure, not asking for sure. You KNOW I sometimes think on these things. I got to admit, I’m still a little fearful of the future though I’m not afraid to die. I know you say just don’t think about it but sometimes I  do anyways. I can’t help it. Or what if you die first? I don’t want to sleep in this bed alone and be cold and lonesome. Why, you’d miss me if I was gone too. Who would do your cooking and cleaning up and make the bed look so pretty, just the way you like? I know you wouldn’t say it but I know you’d miss me; I see that little smile there, John, don’t try to hide it.

Now, let’s take each day as it comes, we not look back and weep for it, what good is that gonna do? We had all those times and now our turn is over; it’s time to pass them on to new generations. It’s their turn, let them enjoy it. We’re just jealous is all, because we didn’t appreciate it when we had it and time speeds by us like a quick burst of chilly air.

Take my hand, husband we’re going walk over to our garden now, gonna water the tomatoes, going to pick some of the cucumbers and you can help me with the corn. We’re gonna do it together, old man, and then we’re going to eat dinner, and for dessert I made you your favorite, a blueberry crumble. Why yes I did. We’ll sit on the porch eating our supper, for as long as the good Lord above will let us. I pray that it’s gonna be a really long time.”

Haiku Heights – Script

Moon

Moon (Photo credit: penguinbush)

Three stars

Three stars (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lying lover’s mask

fast twitch, breath, brown eyes, lips tight

I thought I knew you.

*********************************

Two angry people

shout, kick each other with words

wounds raw purple, blood

***********************************

Two lovers dance

Moon as their backdrop, stars swim

A fine performance.

*********************************

His once perfect script

became chicken scratch, later

As he sat, dying.

Carry on Tuesday: A ray of hope flickers in the sky, Newtown, CT.

Infrared Background Light from First Stars

Infrared Background Light from First Stars (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s been said that when a child is born, with all their innocence and sweetness, that a ray of hope flickers in the dark, dark sky. That if you look up at the time of the child’s birth, you too, can see the bright star of illumination descending to earth as all of us above are around him or her. We surround the baby with joy and laughter, we murmur and sing with happiness and grace and a quiet round of applause. We welcome your child, every child to the world so each child born already feels special, like the unique miracle they are.

But, when a child dies, we weep. You may not hear us, or feel us amongst your grief, but we are right beside you, holding your hand, touching you and never leaving your side or your child’s side. We know about the tragedies that happen in your world and don’t think it doesn’t upset us because it hurts us too. We must stay calm because we know how beautiful the other side is and it is our job is to take the physical body of your child and guide it to the other side. The love for your child and the child’s love for you is never taken away, please know that. The spiritual side of your child is with you forever, love never dies; it is always around in different forms. Some of you may need to get used to that, others take to it immediately. If you are open to it, you will receive messages but it may take time.

Of course you will miss the physical body of your child, that IS gone forever and nothing can change that, not even a miracle. But know, with the same joy we have delivered your child to you, we have brought them home to heaven and there they are safe, and happy and know that both us angels and you love them very much. They are watching over you now, and telling you not to be sad, to try to remember their memories with laughter and happiness when you are ready. They don’t want you to be sad anymore than you wanted them to feel pain. This lifetime is over, but a new one is beginning, the children have been laughing since they arrived. Move on from the past, look forward to the future, do this for your child and for your family.

Please know that when a child is taken from his/her family they do go to a better place, they are no longer in pain. But, also know, it does not go unnoticed in our world above; the star that flickered bright when your child was born to you is extinguished in the sky to commemorate your child’s loss. It is how we grieve your loss. We are always at your child’s heavenly side but we will never forget about you either.