It’s Not Saturday If Keith Is Not Rambling

Day 530 / 365 - Saying Goodbye

Day 530 / 365 – Saying Goodbye (Photo credit: xJason.Rogersx)

I’m checking my computer every few hours. Where is he? Doesn’t Keith know that I focus my weekends around his Ramblings? I feel out of sync, “Carry on Tuesday” is very much on my mind. Where is my prompt? Keith has usually posted it by now. I feel uneasy and I am checking the site way too many times. Yes, I know I have visited this site six times before….forgive a girl. We look forward to these prompts, they shape our small, little lives. We get panicked when you are not around.

I have an uneasy feeling and Saturday isn’t even over but Keith is usually so reliable. It’s true I wait for his prompts, his prompts put structure and peace in a life that has so many variants.  Maybe he’s on vacation, I think but no, Keith isn’t like that, he would tell us in advance. Perhaps I missed an announcement? Unlikely since I am a devoted fan but I cannot ruminate on this and it is late so I lie down and go to sleep, reminding myself to check tomorrow.

It’s Sunday late morning and I do check once more. There is a note from Keith, a note and a last prompt saying “It’s Time To Say Good-bye.” ‘Oh no, I groan, not again’. Yes, again and for good.  Sigh, darn you Keith, what about those of us your devoted fans? We will miss you and you know me, who will help me with my (non) technical skills? I don’t like this, I don’t like this at all. Keith, we’re your people, won’t you consider a mini-club, a “private club” where you don’t have to do so much work, give a word or a photo and let us think there is some sort of continuity, some sort of family frame. Oh fine, I know you won’t, it’s done. Over. Bye-bye.

I’ve never been any good at good-byes. Those who know my blog are already nodding their heads.  I don’t like endings of any sort and I don’t like this. But, as one ages you realize you can’t fight other people’s decisions, they have their own choices to make so one must try to be gracious and wish them well. Keith, thank you for all your hard work, for helping me FEEL like a writer, for joining us all into one simple, sweet group. Of course, tears are in my eyes, would it be me without them?  I say good-bye to you, Keith. I will truly miss you. Laurie F.

I wonder why when you say goodbye...

I wonder why when you say goodbye… (Photo credit: Mirjee ….)

The Bar

Pink Cocktail at Casa Blue - Brick Lane, East ...

She hid behind the bar, not facing the customers who surrounded her. If she could have been invisible, she would have been. This was the next best thing; she had no choice, she had to be there but she made no eye contact, showed no emotion, lingered on nothing but the task at hand. Mixing pink drinks, shaking, pouring, slamming each glass down on the counter averting her dark brown eyes away. It was her way of saying “F–k you” to the world. She couldn’t handle emotion in the best of times, but tonight, she just wanted to shut down and shut the doors for the last time, turn the key and pile into bed.

The decisions would have to wait, cleaning up would have to wait too, she was procrastinating on every single thing that she could. Nothing was urgent anymore; she felt displaced but couldn’t really define the feeling. It just showed in her jerky movements, in the look on her face that spoke volumes saying: “Don’t come near me, leave me alone, BACK OFF!” If she didn’t have the dark, deep lines under her eyes, and the lack of light from within them, she could be just some stranger traveling through, she didn’t belong here, home or anywhere. She had lost her place in life. It would be a long time before she would be able to reclaim it but she did have some possibilities, she just couldn’t deal with them yet. It was too soon, she needed time, distance, and the ability to bury any emotions that might slip up to the surface, way back down inside her.

Beginnings and endings are never easy and she was so, so tired. She had been hurt many times in her life before and had no room for it again, at least not now. She needed a break but she knew she couldn’t take a very long one. There was so much to do and while people had volunteered to help, there was not a way for her to ask them again, to take them up on her their kind offers. That’s why she had her good friend Sue, a cheery Public Relations master, she would be able to handle this while she dreamed only of sleeping away the rest of the night and all the next day.

When she got home she trudged up the steps with the weight of success and failure balanced on each shoulder. It seemed too hard, too heavy to carry. She didn’t change her clothes, she smoked her last cigarette and lay down in her bed that was a mess of old comforters, pillows and sheets; everything in disarray. She didn’t care, this is how she felt, she didn’t have the fight left in her to straighten things out. She refused to care about it, she refused to care about anything right now, what she wanted was escape, pure, sweet and simple escape. Reality was something to be dealt with later, much later.