Stop Telling Me What To Do !!!!!!

I am absolutely disgusted with the way that information is disseminated from “somewhere” to the public. Who are these people and why do they keep telling us what to do and what not to do, usually within a month or two or five years.   I can’t stand it.  Eat red meat. Don’t eat red meat. Eat fat-free or low fat cheese; wait, we’re wrong  (not that they ever say they are wrong) we changed our minds: now enjoy Brie or Gouda or friggin Munster.  Take a vitamin, don’t take a vitamin.

I’m furious. I feel like that movie in the 70’s,or 80’s,  something about Broadcast News or Broadcast  Something and the guy starts opening windows and saying “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!!”  What choice do we, the common people have? We can’t start yelling from windows, you’d probably drag us to the nearest hospital.

I don’t think it’s fair to us and I am not sure who to blame.  Is it the Government?  The FDA?  Oh hell, for all we know it could be the TSA and they are a fine one to talk.  This has been going on for decades and probably way before that.  Lay your baby on it’s back when it sleeps, lay it on it’s stomach, lay it’s on it’s left side, right side or rotate like the way you cook a rotisserie chicken.

How on earth are we supposed to know what to do when the rules keep changing every five minutes. How about this?  SHUT UP. You’re not sure, absolutely not sure about the information? Keep it to yourself.  Don’t tell us; that way we don’t have to listen and feel agitated and hurry to do the “right thing” and change and you don’t end up sounding like complete and utter idiots. Not to mention the fact that we have all been spending a lot of money; money that we don’t have for all this……stuff.  I’ve had enough. We all have. Listen to me, to us.

Drink wine, don’t drink wine, take a vitamin, don’t take a vitamin, be thin,  exercise a lot, actually you don’t need to exercise THAT much; wait it depends on your body type. What IS your body type? Peach, pear, apple, or cinnamon raisin?   Eat tofu, don’t eat tofu……YOU, whoever you are, are making people crazy and this is not a good time for any more craziness. Many of us do not have jobs, that’s right, no money coming in. We can’t afford to switch to different products all the time, back and forth; buy organic, no don’t, it really does not make a single, solitary difference. Except it’s more expensive.

Many of us have loved ones in the military, many people have lost people to sickness: yes that’s covered, no it’s not, call your insurance: it will be covered, no, it will not. That’s not “our” decision, it’s the doctors;  wait, no, it’s not the doctor’s decision at all it’s the insurance company…and so forth.

Here is some good, healthy, sound advice.  If you are not one hundred and fifty percent sure of what you are saying? Don’t say it. If there is any reason to doubt the study, study some more. If you don’t have to release the data in a hurry (which has not stopped you before) don’t release it. And, if you’re confused or unsure, don’t speak. Don’t lecture us, don’t sway us, don’t talk. Don’t give us any new information until it has been proven and tested more times than you can breathe. Keep it to yourself. Like that’s going to happen….

The Tuna Test

What is your criteria for checking out a new lunch spot? Decor? Waitstaff? Cleanliness? Prices?  All of the above? Mine is how good their tuna sandwich is. I’m very fussy about tuna. I only want solid white, nothing even remotely looking or smelling like cat food.Usually I make my mom try it out first, maybe take a small bite. Looking at it is important; texture imperative. Is it in chunks or all mushed up together?  Does it taste fishy (hello? waitress, this smells old, can i please have a grilled cheese instead?) The grilled cheese, one of the safest foods you can order from a coffee shop or  diner.We literally pick places to eat by whether their tuna is acceptable, even admirable when we need a tuna fix. My friend, Susie, poisoned my mind  years ago, by telling me that you cannot save a half eaten tuna sandwich in the refrigerator overnight. You can never have the other half the next day. According to her one date with a Pharmacist there is something about the tuna and the mayonnaise that take some compounds of one and minerals in the other to make it unacceptable for her pharmacy friend’s private FDA. For months I went along with this, being the highly suggestible hypochondriac that I am. Later, I decided it was “Kvatch” translation, crap or made up. What could happen, I say now? So I get food poisoning and I lose a pound, nothing gained, nothing lost.

Another thing to be aware of is coffee and this is tough but also optional. The weak brown water coffee or the thick as mud coffee is not necessarily a deal breaker providing there is a Starbucks nearby ( or a Dunkin Donuts if you were my sister.)

The last item on our coffee shop/diner inspection is the distinctive 3+ layered  revolving dessert case. WHAT? no   revolving dessert carousel? That one gives us pause to think. If you don’t have the option to buy a g0od dessert, and one that is revolving  has many tantalizing choices how good can it really be?  I’m not saying you Have to have dessert but you definitely should have the option. Dessert requirements include: a rainbow cake or rainbow cookies, a chocolate cake, cheesecake with fake strawberries, rice pudding with raisins and cinnamon and something oozing with honey and gooey with nuts like the ever so delicious backlava to which I am a self proclaimed slave.

By all means, wrap up the leftovers, proudly tag them in your refrigerator. Resolve NOT to go out to eat for a month; dine on Lean Cuisine’s and Weight Watcher’s dinners for only 6 points. But, next time you do decide to go out, think carefully. We all are short of money these days, order carefully, let the good times roll,weigh the options, enjoy your meals, and always leave a tip. The waitstaff thanks you.