I know, I’m overdue for a snarky post. You want one? You’ve got one. Let’s discuss “The Shark Tank”, a show that my husband and I happen to like and watch. I’d just like to point out some of the characteristics of the said “sharks.” Who should go first? Come on, play along with me.
Mark? Okay. I actually like him, because beneath his arrogant exterior I can tell he has a heart, especially when it comes to children so I can usually predict how interested he will be in a deal. He’s likely to go for the underdog. Deep inside the cigar smoking ego maniac, I think there’s just a cool, nice guy. Plus, if I was thirty years younger (OUCH) okay maybe twenty, I would have a mad crush on him. Girls, sorry, women, are very fond of the good guy and bad boy type. It works, it always works. As Meredith Gray from “Gray’s Anatomy” would say and I quote “Seriously? “Seriously.”
On to the next Shark, yes you, cutie pie, sweet, Robert with that trusting face. You are my personal favorite. AWWW, I just want to hug you? With those sweet blue eyes, you are absolutely adorable. All of the good guy, none of the bad. You try to speak, to make a deal and that (dirt bag) Kevin will just shut you up without a thought or a glance. Oh, and believe me, we KNOW you must have been a shark in business to be up there with those other tigers but you seem too nice. Robert, honey, you were the boy best friend every girl wanted and HAD, but no, sweetie, not in THAT way. As far as sex, I’m sorry, you were like an older brother to me and to everyone else. However, we all LOVED you and still do. I know it stings but we will Best Friends Forever. Promise ❤ xoxo
Going from the sublime to the ridiculous we head straight over to Mr. EgomaniacalHimself what’s his name, oh yeah, Kevin; or as he has proclaimed himself, “Mr. (gag) Wonderful” excuse me while I projectile vomit. I know there has to be a bad guy in every show but really, Kevin? So rude, so nasty, all the time? You’ve become a caricature of YOURSELF. Money grubbing, penny, saving, no-heart banker? I guess even in the Shark Tank every shark has a dominant nasty shark, and so we are stuck with you. Yeah! You are entirely dislikeable and maybe you are a real doll in life (doubt it) but even your pointy, arrogant face bothers me. You may have the most experience in certain fields but I don’t think I would enjoy partnering on any deal with you, even if it was a better offer. I’d rather partner with someone else JUST so it would bug you or to see you beg. I love it when you lose. It gives me pleasure.
Daymond (Sorry, I thought it was Damon), you are one cool guy! What can I say that you don’t know yourself? I think you are not as cool as you play but just cool enough and quiet too. I’m sorry I had never heard of you or FUBU before but I’m quick study, I know now. Call me sheltered (and poor) I shop at Kohl’s and Target, T.J. Maxx is quality for me, not everyone has your good taste and let’s face it, money.” I probably could not afford to buy a handkerchief from your FUBU line. (What does that stand for anyway I’m dying to know)? If I could afford to buy one, it would be an honor, you have an amazing smile and a great sense of humor, also incredibly bright, sometimes a bit snippy but usually well deserved.
Barbara, you and Lori switch off, I wish you both were on at the same time, is it not good for the ratings? First of all, Barbara totally commands respect from the other sharks but Lori, and this is of course only my impression, those other sharks look at you like lunch meat. That’s not saying that I DO, but those money hungry men do, they look at selling over the internet as beneath and that is just not right. It’s as if they live in Manhattan penthouses and you are shlepping in from New Jersey. Nothing Wrong With Jersey, just The male Sharks’ condescending stares. Can you feel all the women’s love and the Sharks’ condemnation? It’s like how the theater actors talk about the television actors in today’s society. Is it fair? NO. Does it exist? You bet. I love that you stand up to them and are the perfect person for the right products, which inspires me to say “You go, girl. ( I apologize if that is not politically correct anymore.) If I had the right product for your brand of internet selling, Laurie, I would run to you.
Barbara, of all the Sharks, you are the most elusive. We see you walking down from some stairs, you allude to a daughter but you are the ice queen and that is probably WHY you are so successful. If I went into business and wanted a well-connected shark, I’d probably pick you, just because you’re a woman, because you understand. I could be Norma Rae with you, because of you, thanks to you. Young women now take it for granted, but I don’t. We had to fight for everything and I bet you have to work longer and harder than any of these male counterparts. I so hope you have more money than Kevin, you have no idea! Barbara, I look up to you, and if I ever come up with the perfect idea, you would be my favorite shark. I have plenty of ideas, I just need to get my act together, I’m really more on the creative end. All I need are the right connections. Barbara? Want to mentor me? If not, is Daymond available?
*Shark Tank is the property of ABC, all legal rights belong to them. This was just a parody. And a good one at that.