Just, Right, Fair, Peace, Trust
World upside down, bloody mess
No senseless killings.
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Measure, Love and Hope
Just in time, align with God
We give gratitude
Sun, honey dripping
Vacation, just for me, you
Cleanse our inner souls.
When our kids come home from college for a visit, suddenly our kitchen is bursting with the smell of my freshly baked banana bread with raisins and chocolate chips, soon afterwards dark chocolate brownies are left to cool waiting for me to slather on the thick, creamy dark chocolate frosting.
Their dad and I have both gone to the supermarket to stock up on their favorite foods, they could stay four weeks, even though they are only here for four days or is it one day? It doesn’t matter. We pack the leftovers so the kids can take them to share with their friends.
I stood in the freezer section getting frost bite while choosing six quarts of ice cream, all different flavors. We have Ben and Jerry’s Coffee, Coffee Buzz, Graeter’s Black Cherry Chip,
Graeter’s (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Black Raspberry Chip, and Chocolate, Chocolate Chip. We also have Mango Sorbet, Blood Orange Sorbet and Haagen Daas’ Pistachio ice cream (which to me, is a great disappointment, vanilla with a couple of shelled pistachio nuts in it. I won’t buy it again.) Any suggestions of another brand of pistachio ice cream?
We have rainbow cookies, molasses cookies.
amaretto cookies, and of course, Double Stuffed “Oreos.”(Thank you, Nabisco)
We don’t live like this all the time, believe me, we only stock up when our college kids come home to visit. Our daughter’s description of the ideal break is: “watching, (streaming episodes) of her favorite television shows on her computer and eating her home-cooked favorite foods and I quote.” Isn’t that what coming home is all about?”
My husband made a delicious eggplant parmegian/ parmesan, I made guacamole, and a tomato, mozzarella, olive oil, basil salad, we had
chips, pizza, huge salads, creative salads with lettuce and arugula, cranberries, goat cheese, string beans, grapes, and cucumbers (and anything else I found) with no meat (for our daughter “the vegetarian.”) Yes, she DOES get plenty of protein, she never liked meat and never ate it as a baby. I’m anticipating the questions that will follow…
BOTH of my grown-up children came home a day early as a surprise and I consider myself deeply blessed. I am truly grateful to be able to have one night together with my whole family, where we eat will be up to them, with our approval, and bound by price range and affordability.
Tonight, we will eat leftovers with no complaints and if there are complaints, that’s okay, the only other option is…no other option. I do regret how lenient we were with our children when they were small. I felt like a short order cook, a grilled cheese for one, spaghetti with meatballs for the other….the things you learn in hindsight.
We all make mistakes as parents but if that’s the worst mistake we made then I think we did pretty well. We have super nice, polite kind, kids, independent, loving, street smart and compassionate. What more could a mother and a father want? NOTHING.
Are they perfect? No. Are we? Heck no. Do we wish they would change certain things? Sometimes. No, I am NOT going to argue with you about this!! (you- know -who) I know that they wish the same for us. We’re a family, we all need to work together. Every single one of us needs to learn how to compromise and accept not always being right. Accepting someone’s difference is harder than deciding to disagree. Respect another person’s position without judgment. Try.
What would you rather be, a very old friend asked me thirty years ago, right or at peace?
My answer thirty years ago was” right,” I changed my answer in the years to come. The kids will learn that, in time. Or, they won’t. That is entirely up to them. It took me a long time to see it, peace wins for me now, every single time.
We all grow-up, we make mistakes, we fall down, we get up and we fall down again. Children, like adults, learn, from their mistakes. Let them make them.
When our kids went back to school a few days ago my husband and I went right back to eating very simple meals. Scrambled eggs with cheese and toast, pasta with meat sauce, home-made pea soup, chunky with carrots, ham, spices and a salad and french bread. A roasted chicken, rice and freshly cut vegetables with a yogurt dill sauce. After dinner, we often go upstairs, lie on our bed, watch our television set with a small (ok, medium) bowl of ice cream in our hands (with rainbow-colored sprinkles for me) to watch the Jimmy Fallon show from the night before. A simpler life, quieter, we accept what we have, what we can’t change and that’s okay. Love what you have today, understand and accept that you will see your children less, yesterday is gone and we don’t know what the future will bring.
Enjoy the moment. Be Thankful. Breathe.
When it is my time, place on my grave, only heart shaped rocks or stones
of varying hues.
There is no need for darkness or brown shapeless objects,
celebrate me with your memories of love.
I want to be remembered with your feelings of joy for what we did have, not for what we won’t have in the future.
Nobody stands a chance with Time, it controls us, every single one of us.
We have no power for when we leave this Earth.
However, you know I truly believe our Spirits, our Souls, live on and that
Love Never Dies.
Try to believe that for me.
For I will never stop loving you, my loves.
How could I possibly stop?
I love you even more than always and forever, but you know that, right?
I’m a child, a sister, a wife, a mother.
Mother’s don’t stop loving their children for a split second,
we just learn to adjust to your leaving.
We never leave you, in Life and in Death.
You are in our Lives, our Hearts, Forever.
You may not see us, though you can if you want to, but we are always there.
Open your heart and mind, listen.
Love Does Not Die.
Be at One.
Breathe in goodness, exhale worry.
Take your time, Walk as much as you can.
Treasure the details, a flower, a bird, a snowflake, a child’s smile.
Believe in whatever God or Spirit, Nature or Person you Love;
it is not for us to judge but to be compassionate and open-minded.
Keep good thoughts in your heart and soul.
Loving kindness to other people. It, karma, will come around.
Never be defined by others, especially those who smile to your face and turn around to stab you.
Move away from mean people.
Liars are everyone’s enemies.
Have the courage of your convictions, hold on tight to your values, your beliefs.
Try not to be influenced by outside people and know that all of us make mistakes.
Forgive yourself and others equally.
I need to listen directly inside myself, to follow my voice within, for every decision.
Stop, listen to your Heart, your Soul, Nature, Intuition.
Be gracious and patient, control your temper, monitor your mood.
Be compassionate and giving and even when you feel you have nothing to give, keep giving.
Everybody has a story
Let your heart be open to give and to receive.
Offer only what you have,
Honesty in its purest form.
Love.
I’M A BUNNY SAVER
Illustration of Peter Rabbit from The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
My dog was sniffing something in the grass on a lovely day as my neighbors and I sat on our front yard. Dogs sniff, that’s not unusual but my dog was acting weirdly. My neighbor and I noticed that she was putting her paw in different places because she saw it move or sensed something happening. But, us grown-ups, had no idea what was going on. My neighbor and I watched in wonder about what was happening and sure enough, a tiny bunny emerged from the grass and it was struggling.I helped it out and then stuck my hand in the hole and rescued the other ones that were still buried inside. there were three more but their mom had left them alone. I took three baby bunnies and rescued them and put them in a shoebox with some grass and cotton to protect them.
Bunny Rehabber (Hoppity) (Photo credit: audreyjm529)
Little Ava, a sweet little girl from next door, was with us and her mom and I didn’t want her to see the poor dead bunny that didn’t make it. I quickly I made a makeshift grave for this poor bunny and buried her out of sight. I admit, I even said a few words. I can’t help it I’m a completely mushy person.
I had no idea who to call, it’s not like there is an emergency line for 1-800-NEWBORN BUNNY so I did the next best thing and called Stephanie at my vet’s office. To me, Stephanie, knows everything about animals, a true animal lover she goes to different places around the world to rescue animals.
Stephanie told me to bring the baby bunnies in as soon as I could so the bunnies and I drove down the hill to the vet’s office. Stephanie took them away, nursed them all back to health and they grew up to be big and strong. Now they are all living together, the triplets, on a lovely farm in a forest, happy to be alive and together. Okay, I made the last part up but I do need to think of them that way.
Shortly after that, my dad passed away and I was so very sad. My father and I were so close to each other and I was incredibly sad. In April, trying to distract me, my husband two kids and I went on a family vacation to Arizona.
We were lying on beach chairs when my children started screaming about something in the pool. We didn’t know what it was, an insect, a snake we had no idea.
Fritz (Photo credit: Raoul Pop)
It was a baby bunny that had mistakenly fallen into the water. Without thinking I dove in, scooped up the baby bunny in my hands and brought him over to where my kids were sitting. He was alive, we dried him softly with a towel, gave him some of nature’s food and we placed him back in the woods to find his family.
We called him mitzvah, it means A Good Deed
At the airport I bought the three of us each a small stuffed bunny to remind us of the moment when I saved another bunny, Life continues. Even when sad things happen, we must and we do, go on. With time, grace and loved ones, open wounds heal. It just takes time .Sometimes, a very long time. You will get stronger every day. I promise you.
*Dedicated to the memory of my father, I miss you every day and night. Let me be the first one to wish you a Happy Father’s Day in Heaven. You are always in my heart. Thank you for your signs of love. 8
Toothbrush, photo taken in Sweden (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
It takes but a minute for everything in your life to change your life completely. It hits you with a tremendous blow, shock, grief but you can get used to that since you have no choice, you are completely unaware. No choice is not a world I want to live in either.
When I travel now, I usually forget to bring my blue toothbrush and white bristles, so too, the tooth paste. I never needed it before, it was a silly tradition, I know, but one that delighted me. Knowing that I could always use your toothbrush when we were away together. That was the type of intimacy that I knew about. Silly things like that.
Now, I can’t. I understand that you didn’t want to leave me, that your heart was very sick, clogged arteries that were too far along to be saved but I wished for it anyway. I was in the in-between place of hope and reality. “Please, please, please” I would murmur under my breath in a chant as if maybe God would tune in faster or adjust his schedule but nothing changed.
It was your time, my love, and you knew it as well as I did. Imagine, trying to cheer me up when you were about to die and leave me hanging here like a piece of dangling thread blowing softy in the sunshine, back and forth, back and forth.
We came in together, arm in arm, walking slowly through the mushy gray snow and yet when I left there was nobody beside me, nobody to take my hand, nobody to put their arms around my shoulders, to reassure me.
Our children called but they were not here, they had their own families and excuses now. I understood completely how their husbands and wives did not want them to cross to the other side of the country as well, to get soaked up in my misery and the lost of their daddy. Nobody knew that more than I.
Yet, I thought death would come, most certainly, in the middle of the night, my naïve silence and undisturbed sleep, awakened by the shrill of the old yellow phone I still used by the bedside. But now, in reality, it didn’t work that way, I was right by your side, as you took your last breath and calmly closed your eyes.
English: Portrait of old woman sitting by a window. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“That’s it?” I thought to myself? Death could slip in on soft kitten feet and steal away my husband with no big fanfare at all? Steal his loveliness, the color of his lips and cheeks and joy for life in a matter of seconds, while I stood there watching, watching the blood drain from him?
I put my head on his cold chest and I cried but I knew his hands couldn’t comfort me, or hold me like they had. From now on, I was no longer part of a couple, I was alone. My name was now “Widower.” It stayed that way for a very long time until I too decided it was time enough to join your father, there was nothing useful about me without him. He was my life.
I said goodbye to all the children and grandchildren with a long good-bye and gave each special hug.
It took too many weeks to get my affairs in order but I would know when the time was right. One day they all came in for Christmas, I saw each child and grandchild. After they left, I knew it was my time to go.This has been planned before the death of my husband Harold, he would do the same if I had died first. It wasn’t hard at all but it was something we needed to do, I was only sorry that I had postponed this day for so many long weeks. Let’s face it, I had no regrets. Ever.
I had no interest in living a life without my other half. It was like living empty, physically here yet without a soul. No, I didn’t want that at all.
An American version of a fruitcake which contains both fruit and nuts. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The holiday season is winding down and I’ve read blogs about fruitcake, go ahead, start the jokes… Pass them around like some people did (not me, kids) like a joint or bottle of beer when they were in college. I’ve heard it all, all the silly jokes how nobody likes fruitcake, and everything is artificial, ad nauseam. My father, when he was alive, ate fruitcake joyfully and loved it; he passed that gene on to me.
I love fruitcake, I honestly do. For years I begged people if they had received fruitcake as gifts NOT to throw them out because I would happily take it off their snobby shoulders. Funny, in all that time, nobody offered me their unwanted fruitcake. Nobody, until recently, one of my Facebook Friends, Sarita, saw me talking about fruitcake and out of nowhere she offered to send me a mini fruitcake that was baking in her oven.
Sarita, is one of my group of Facebook Friends that share a common and unyielding illness. We all seem to have some sort of chronic pain disease, in my case, Fibromyalgia. Believe me, it is not limited to Fibromyalgia (Fibromyalgia generally doesn’t work alone) but comes with many other ailments. I also have an auto-immune disease, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and some of my friends share that as well. Others have different, chronic pain but we are connected, perhaps not in person since we live in different places but definitely in our hearts.
When I told my (adult) children that my friend on Facebook was sending me a mini-fruitcake across the country they looked at me with those critical eyes, and the “what are you crazy” stare? “Mom, they said slowly in single syllables, you. don’t. even. know. her. she. could. be. send.ing. you. An.thrax.” I had never heard a more ridiculous thing in my life. Of course I knew her, I have known her for years, we’re friends, we are here for each other, we support each other. The fact that Sarita was a “stranger” NEVER ONCE crossed my mind because Sarita was my friend and I was hers.
“So, my observant 19-year-old daughter said, you wouldn’t mind if I was corresponding with some random man on the internet and he baked me some cookies and sent them to me and I wanted to eat them? Well, now that was indeed different, I said. I have talked to Sarita on the phone several times, we’ve been in touch with each other for years and I am not 19 and Sarita is certainly not some stranger. However, my daughter was right, I would not feel comfortable with her taking candy from strangers but I hardly see it as the same situation.
Facebook Friends for those of us with common limitations are not only useful to us but sometimes life-saving, Who knows better what it feels like to be in a Fibro Flare than another Fibro patient? I don’t like to complain to my family or my friends at home because frankly, they just don’t get it. How could they? They don’t have the illness. I’m not saying they lack empathy (most lack it a few don’t) but my Facebook Friends understand what I feel, completely every single day.
To them, I say THANK YOU, for the love and support and the ongoing kindness. We are all here for each other and that means a lot. I need to take a break now, for some more fruit cake and with it some pumpkin bread as well. What did you say about my Facebook Friends? Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s okay, we are all wrong sometimes……May God or Spirit or Angels Bless these special people in my Life. They are in my life for a reason.
English: dew on grass Français : rosée sur une herbe Español: Rocío sobre el cesped (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Translucent drops glow
Sunshine laughs, rain kissed
strands of grass, blessed, pray.
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Rainbow specks, water
glisten on yellow tulips
Somewhere horses play.
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Banker horses (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
wonderful nature have a nice weekend and a beautiful 3.advent dear friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Listen, Love, Give Thanks
It was my birthday last month, I bought myself a small cup of creamy coffee with a crisp twenty-dollar bill and whispered to the cashier “let others use it up until it runs out” she looked at me with a blank stare. That was a birthday present to myself, the best kind. I felt happy to be able to do a small act of kindness. I walked out grinning. Giving. Joy. Love.
Today is dreary, rainy, and glum. I have turned my loud music off, there is no noise in my room except the ringing in my ears, the sound of my fingertips on the keyboard and airline jets flying overhead in the sky. I imagine they are traveling to exotic places: Bali, Greece, Japan? A couple of newlyweds are on their way to their honeymoon, holding hands and sipping champagne, kissing each others pink lips lightly. I was young once too.
The rest of the next hour is a gift. I have the luxury of peace and I relax on my bed with my sweet red dog, Lexi, wrapped around my legs. Every day has been long, arduous, bringing some medical testing, and waiting for results, a flat tire, silly and stressful things. Finally, Friday, I get results, I can give thanks that all has ended well. I send hope and light to my friend who is also facing challenges, we haven’t talked in years but now we talk daily. Support, Understanding, Old Friends.
I listen to the sound of my breathing and try to slow it down. Inhale slowly, Exhale slowly. The weather is damp and my arms ache with soreness just from raising them, my body is the barometer for all things; fellow patients with Fibromyalgia nod their heads “YES.” We understand when the weather changes before the news weather forecasters have any idea. What a waste of a job, why not just hire us at a fifth of the cost? Many pillows prop me up like a hospital patient, fully clothed, drowned in six comforters for warmth. I try to release pain and tightness from every limb, bone, muscle. I try. It doesn’t work. I’ve accepted that, there is no room in my life to fight. With age there is wisdom, I’m grateful for that.
Maybe I don’t have the highs and joy that we used to have in the past, a gratifying status of being “Mom” with sticky kisses and playing with cars or having tea parties, those days are far gone. But, I did have them once, a long time ago. It is not the good times we had in the past but also not the bad times that may await us in the future. I can’t possibly complain. Yes, my husband was laid off and I haven’t been in the best of health for the last seven years but we are dealing with the situation. A word of advice: Just count your blessings and not your sorrows. Thank G-d, Nature, or Angels, whatever you believe in, that you are alive TODAY. Enjoy today as much as you can because we cannot count on a tomorrow.
Embrace your spouse/partner or friend, child, mom, dad, grandparent and give thanks for what you do have and don’t waste a minute focusing on what you don’t have. Hug your cat or dog, Buy a present for someone you don’t like, maybe there is a reason why they are so cranky, see what happens. Everyone has a story, listen. There is always someone who has it worse than you do.We are relatively healthy, our adult children are coming home for a visit and we will have a turkey on the table for Thanksgiving. We give thanks for what we have.
English: aima n baby boy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
My son, please sit down, I need to tell you something. Nothing is wrong, dear, please do not worry. It is something that happened before you were born, I have carried it in my heart, my secret heart for many years. I am old now but I wish for you to know something of our past.
You know your father and I tried for over two and a half years to get pregnant. I was so sad thinking I could never have a baby. Yes, I went to a big city and had all kinds of tests and shots and drugs and procedures but I would have done anything to have you and I knew someday I would. Now, you, Dad and your sister are atheists but I am certainly not. One night I had a dream and God looked down at me from Heaven and He said, “It will take a little more time but you will have a baby and it will be a boy.” God’s message to me was all I needed to keep going and I believed in this completely. I still, as you know, do.
Months later I got the call. Two nurses were on the phone telling me I was pregnant. There was not a happier person in this world. I remember I closed the door, dropped to my knees, said a prayer of thanks and sobbed with joy. I was in a daze the rest of the afternoon. Immediately my hand cupped my tiny belly like a fluttering butterfly. I told your father in person and he was in shock; I had to repeat the joyous news three times before it sunk in.
Three weeks later, and still I had told no one about my pregnancy except our families. After two and a half years of trying to get pregnant we wanted to wait three months, in our culture that is what we did. One day, I went to the bathroom and as I pulled down my underwear I saw spotting. I was very calm, I called the doctor’s office and they told me to come in immediately.
I got in my car as if I was in a dream, “be brave and strong, be brave and strong” I whispered to you as I headed to the clinic. By the time I got there they rushed me into the ultra sound room but this time there was a lot of blood in my underwear. I remember saying calmly “this does not look good.” I was still in the room and then the senior nurse spoke up and said “Wait, look right here, it’s a heartbeat, your baby is fine.” I was so relieved, so happy to see your little heart beating that I thought of nothing else. You were alright, safe inside of me. After a few minutes I asked what happened? They told me that my hormone levels had been very high so that could have been an indication of a twin or perhaps another unhealthy fetus, they were never sure. Apparently this happens to women all the time many not even noticing the passing of an embryo.
I tried to feel sad and guilty but I couldn’t. You were still inside me and you were safe. I went home to lie down and take it easy. I tried to have feelings if it had been a twin but I couldn’t force myself to feel loss when I didn’t feel it. I had you, my baby, still inside me and that meant everything to me. We were born to be with one another. Your father and I would finish our sentences always saying: “If we should be so blessed” and we were, with you, our first son.
The only reference I have to this is a pair of small twin purple bears that I keep hidden in my bedroom closet. A psychic once said I had a baby floating in the universe that could not go to heaven because he did not have a name and out of my mouth and hers, the name Steven came. His soul was then at peace.
You were in my arms and we were a family. Twenty one months later your beautiful little sister was born, naturally, meant to join our family. Now our family was complete. I needed to tell this story to someone and it belongs to you. I had everything I wanted, a boy and then a girl but my love story is just about over, yours is barely beginning. Take with this what you want and now we can bury the past and only look to the future.
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