Days Like These

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The trees outside my window are straggly not strong; there is not a speck of sunshine showing through a blanket of thick white clouds. The sky is black and white, with no room for color anywhere. I lie in my bed, listening to music through head phones, for music therapy, and try to get myself out of this funk. So far it isn’t working.

I see the image of my deceased dad sitting in his red checkered robe at the old kitchen table, eating breakfast and I want to reach out to him; today I need nurturing, a soft hand to hold, a comforting voice telling me it’s all going to be okay. Today I miss my dad more than usual. I also miss my pretend Aunt Lore who understood me like a kitten knowing comfort. She was a fellow Libra who knew me and my personality and who understood how I thought and reacted. I could talk to her about anything. She too is gone.

My legs and arms and heart feel heavy. I don’t want to move my head around because that too, throbs. My dog keeps me company, sleeping next to me on the bed. I have no interest in conversations or activities, my stomach aches, my head throbs and I feel like I will feel like this forever. I am in a funk. I am taking things too seriously and I’m having trouble differentiating my physical pain and my emotional pain. I’m just trying to let everything rest and relax. There is a bathtub with jacuzzi jets that has my name on it for later on. Hopefully the force of the water will melt my bad feelings away.

There is no color in my life today, no spring blossoms, no flash of red or yellow or lime green. There is only the stark contrast of black to white or is it just blending together to become gray?  The world outside confirms my feelings. Everything hurts, we all have those days, I tell my friends that. I try to encourage them, now I need to work on myself.

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Yes, There Is HOPE For Fibromyalgia

Wildflower

I have made a lot of friends on some of the Fibromyalgia support groups on-line. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about five years ago. Five years that have crawled at a snail’s pace, going backwards and forwards, up and down, down, down. I wanted to write this blog post for all my fellow Fibromyalgia sufferers and tell you that while there may not be a cure, I have improved.

I never thought I would be able to get out of my bed and get to the bathroom without all the serious, horrendous, stiff, and chronic pain I have had for many years. I never expected perfect, I don’t now, but I do know improvement and I have improved. I almost want to cross my fingers while typing this so I don’t “Jinx” myself, I’m sure all of you can relate to what I am talking about.

I will always have good days and bad days, that is a realization I have accepted. I have taken, in the past, probably about thirty different medications in different combinations and this is the fourth Rheumatologist I have seen (and will continue to see.) While your Doctor does NOT have to be your best friend, you should feel that he/she believes in you AND in Fibromyalgia as a chronic pain disease. That’s very important. The Rheumatologist I went to before this called Fibromyalgia a “lazy diagnosis” and attempted to treat my pain with dangerous immunosuppresant drugs that made me sick as a dog for months at a time. He did this because combined with Fibromyalgia, I also have an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. I didn’t know better so I followed his advice and took seriously harmful drugs at a dosage that should never have been prescribed. This old Doctor was a genius, but not in Fibromyalgia and not in being pleasant and understanding. As my present Doctor put it referring to my old doctor “it’s his way or the highway.” Don’t accept that.

I am now on a combination of drugs that not only treat my symptoms but also have treated my energy levels. I am NOT running any marathons, believe me and I have flare-ups that still can make me cry, but overall, at least on some days I am better. Please, do not give up hope, do whatever you have to do to find a good Rheumatologist and only a Rhematologist that believes in you and the disease. One where you feel that he/she really wants you to get better and that they truly do care. Don’t settle for less.

We all deserve better and I just wanted to say to all my on-line friends (Hi Graceful Agony Ladies, Chronic Babes, ohmyachesandpains, etc.) please don’t give up and thank you for always being there for me; I love you all.  To friends that are new or newly diagnosed I NEVER  thought I would feel any better and now I do. How long will it last? I have no idea. I have accepted my limitations, I accept that I will have bad days as well as good but I can say for sure, that compared to how I felt five years ago, I am better. My attitude is better too.

If anyone is interested in which drugs work for ME, I would be happy to tell you. Don’t give up, I almost did. If you are new to this and don’t know how you are feeling or if you are feeling mad and angry and sorry for yourself; go ahead, you deserve it. Been there, done that and try to stay in the present, not the past or the future. As my dad used to say to me “Be in Neutral.” It’s a life lesson from my dad that has stayed with me, try it, it might help you too.