Kellie Elmore: Free Write Friday, Favorite Childhood Gift

Favorite Childhood Gift:

My father bought my favorite stuffed animal, a monkey, in Lamberts, a store in New York City for my second birthday.I imagined Lamberts was a store filled with all kinds of wonderful things: police cars that flashed and made noise, doll babies with small pink bottles, cards for all occasions, all types of medicine including my personal favorite, St. Joseph Aspirin for children that tasted like an orange cream soda. I pictured them also having a formica counter with shiny chrome swirling stools where you could orders snacks and a black and white ice cream soda, or a frosty bright pink strawberry milkshake.

My favorite love object is a stuffed animal whose name is Nokey.I could not pronounce “Monkey” at the time. If you noticed I haven’t used the past tense it’s because I will be 57 in the beginning of October and Nokey will be 55. Yes, I still have him, I will always have him. This special friend of mine, this lovey, has been all over the world with me, wherever my family took me, I took him.

He is so important to me that my husband (and probably my grown-up children) know when I die, I want to be buried with him beside me or cremated with me. Nokey was always such a huge part of my life.

I’m not sure why he was so important but I know he was the one object I could rely on, could trust. He kept my confidences and more importantly, only he could make me feel safe. I slept with him until he was too fragile to sleep with, he went to college for a semester but after that his inner stuffing starting falling out and ungainly wires started poking out. My father, seeing old friends, brought him to a small doll and toy factory in Germany (my father was an airline employee) so that Nokey could get a face and body lift. There was nothing in New York, they only accepted “dolls.” His colors were still the same, a yellow shirt and black pants, with white sneakers but his head was a little too puffy.  In time I forgot how he used to look.

I have always imagined the toy shop high on a cobblestone street, on the second floor. The old, kindly toy maker with white hair and round glasses, looking out the window, smiling; and there would be red flowers on all the window boxes of the white house with brown trim.

Nokey has ruby-red lips upturned in a big, happy smile and I used to swing his arms back and forth because I thought he liked it. His ruby smile faded a tiny bit as he became older just as all of us fade a little with age. It didn’t matter to me, it doesn’t matter to me.I love him for all the love, comfort and warmth he brought to me. I never cared how he looked with his bandaged hand, masking tape, in many places. Shouldn’t old age be treated in the exact same way? Do we really need all these vain people trying to look young forever? Why? Yes, I’m focusing on you, “celebrities. You send such a bad message to people.

Nokey is now lying beside me with his bandaged white sneakers and his hand that was once burnt on the furnace that my dad lovingly wrapped in masking tape. I will not put him in the closet for another day, I will find a place for him where I can see him and smile and remember the comfort he gave me, as a little girl, standing outside, looking within.

If I Could Go Back in Time

Buttons in a bowl

There’s an internal button that was sewn into my soul when I was a baby, maybe even before I was born. It was a FEAR button which made me very unsure of myself when I was young. I took the easy way out when I could. I didn’t believe in myself and did not have any self-confidence. I needed to grow into that and embrace it. There was a job I interviewed for when I was 22, it was for a Production Assistant. It scared me, to be out and about in NYC getting props. I chose the safer route, the one I knew and I wish I hadn’t. Had I failed more, I would have had more experience but I played it safe. I would change that FEAR button and replace it with TRY.

The One Who Got Away

Scared

When I read “the one who got away” I automatically thought of a person, but there was no person that got away from me, except for me. What got away from me for many, many years were chances left untouched because of my inner fear and insecurity. There was a job in Production that I thought I coudn’t handle, the Psy.d in Psychology I was too lazy for; fear stopped me from doing all sorts of things over the years; for that I have no one to blame except myself. Adventure, Risks, Chances did not wait for me to grow up and decide. In the blink of an eye they left, fleeing because I was a loser and they left quickly in disgust. Now, many years later I can separate the fear from function and sometimes talk myself into overcoming the fear. Too late, however and way too little.

This is Ridiculous

Nov. 2nd pm

I finally get this on a “real, working blog” and I’m scared to death. “I have writer’s block” I say to myself but even I know that is utter and total bullshit. It’s fear. I’m not sure of what though. It is hard for me to even write now, my stomach is clenched but I am trying not to care. Trying to push past it all and keep writing. It doesn’t take Freud to understand that this is no coincidence. Vulnerability? Ridicule? AH, or NO response. Hmm, writing for myself was effortless, I guess i should only concentrate on that. AND, it is a blog, my blog to talk or kvetch or gossip or share anything I want. I will not give up. But I may throw up.

I told my daughter, who is a vegetarian, that I will no longer eat Jello…I never knew what went IN to Jello and now that I know, it’s off my list. It’s interesting that I haven’t eaten meat for about a week and i don’t miss it (yet.) So I am not claiming one thing or another just yet but eating good, healthy, food.  Tonight (I so love food) I had lentil soup, some veggie pizza (ok, yes there was cheese but I’m NOT a vegan to be at all. Had a craving for dried apricots( at least it’s not for 2 bowls of ice cream with caramel and chocolate sauce, whipped cream and almonds) instead I had grapes and tasteless raspberries and blackberries. Why did I go into that much detail about my fantasy dessert? Definitely not a wise thing to do…yum, I love food, most all food (except for fish) and I’m trying to lose some weight. I know, Oprah said it’s a “lifestyle change” and as much as I love and adore Oprah, that Texas fair would not be on Bob Green’s list (not that we trust HIM anymore ). Fried butter? Really? UGH, i thought until Oprah described it like a delicate roll with butter. Oh dear Lord, that does sound like heaven. I love the fact that both Gayle and Oprah would not budge with their dessert winners!  I’m with Oprah on this one, lemon cake!  As a Libra that is my life. I can’t decide between one or two things, I buy them both or not at all. It’s not easy being a sensitive Libra but we really are nice people. Decision making? Not so good!