Impatience, Impatiens

 


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I’ve always considered myself a patient person, not always, mind you, but most of the time. I am certainly not patient or forgiving when I’m driving and someone cuts me off. I curse and hold up a finger. When our son was really young and asked what it meant I told him it meant “wait a minute.” He believed that for years.

I’m patient on supermarket lines, I’m patient with (most) people, I listen well, I like to think I’m a good, loyal friend. Indeed, I have high standards for myself and used to think everyone was like me but Life taught me that lesson the hard way several times over. How do you know differently if the way your family acts is the only way you know?

My friends are all very different from me but now what keeps us together is not lunch dates, meeting in the city on a weekend for brunch or long telephone calls but stupid text messages or IM’s.  I confuse them all the time as my adult children roll their eyes and grimace.


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I hate that, text messages to say Happy Birthday, text messages to say Hello, text messages to find out how a surgery went, text messages to show your deepest sympathy and one death announcement I had to read about on Facebook. It’s all the norm now.

Of course, my adult children, think I am old-fashioned and nuts. Beside that the iPhone to me is a strange and complicated piece of equipment, why can’t we just use the phone as the phone was really intended? To talk. It doesn’t seem popular anymore except for those of us “oldies.”

I will ask my kids to call their grandparents and they will do that responsibly but they will say “they weren’t home, we will try again later.” “Did you leave a message” I ask? A reasonable question, I think, and they look at me like the dinosaur that I am and say with a scolding dismay “Mom, our generation doesn’t LEAVE messages, we just try again later.”

It’s no surprise that I’m not good with change but I try as best I can. Knowing I’m not good with change makes me try harder than most. At this point in our lives my husband and I are waiting for change to happen, waiting for a clue to point us in the right direction on what we should do and where we should go in the future for the next chapter in our lives.

My friends say that “I will know it when it happens” and I believe that is true, but it has been a very long time and being patient has been getting harder and harder. I need to relax, look within and wait for the Spring. I think things will start to get clearer then. If nothing else, the dreadful Winter, will be over and Life will begin anew.

 

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Finally, I Am So “IN” Repost

anxiety (Photo credit: FlickrJunkie)

For the first time in my life I’m in fashion and not following a trend that started four years ago. I am cutting edge; I am “IN ” because I get ANXIOUS.  I’m not talking about buying Uggs (I did buy those 4 years after they came out)  but I still wear them year after snowy year because they keep my feet toasty warm. Apparently, talking about anxiety is now fashionable and trendy. I’ve been popular for this newly accepted diagnosis all my life, I just never knew it. I could be President of this club, and CEO if not founder and major stock holder. The stock market is practically riding on my shoulders, okay the world.

There always seems to be a flavor of the month diagnosis, last year it seemed it was Bipolar and in the last few months, the newest and most focused on illness seemed to be Bipolar 2, (I can imagine a Bipolar 3 diagnosis soon). No disease is funny but when you start putting numbers after the diagnosis it feels like an  iPhone upgrade, with each upgrade things are a little bit different but you still need to buy new headphones or a different speaker.

My friend, Jenny the Bloggess always talks about her bouts with panic attacks and how, on the road, to plug her new book people have stopped to offer her Xanax. Last night while watching an HBO show called Newsroom a character had to go outside because of her anxiety and she didn’t have her Xanax with her. Look fellow anxiety sufferers, we’re even on television, HBO no less!

I’ve never been embarrassed or ashamed at the fact that I get anxious at times. I told my children about it when they were old enough to understand,  just as if I was a diabetic that had to take medicine. Some people are anxious, some are not. I would say my anxiety definitely started in my early childhood when I constantly had to be reassured, each night before bed, by my very nurturing father who would answer a list of questions that I had, same questions every night (I have OCD Worrying) I guess back then, in the old days, people didn’t send their kids to a doctor for an evaluation or to a psychiatrist, it was “just one of those things;” I was always “too sensitive or over-sensitive. I suffered with anxiety until I was in my early fifties when I finally got diagnosed and received medicine to help prevent anxiety attacks and medicine if I have an anxiety attack. I have what is commonly known as “Anticipatory Anxiety” and I’m one of many, many people who suffer with this.

There is NOTHING to be ashamed about worrying or being anxious. You worry because you care and you feel scared. You are fearful of bad things happening to you or to your loved ones or scared about planes, or elevators OR like one of my ex-friends, scared about everything, which is tragic. Unfortunately, she was even scared to go to the doctor and scared of taking medicine so her phobias piled up on her every year like a bloody car crash. There is so much help available if you are suffering, but you must consult a specialist.  My life turned for the better when I stopped worrying obsessively. So, we’re now out of the closet (not that I was ever in) we’re human, everyone deals with life in a different way. It can get better, trust me.

Keep your *Xanax or Valium or whatever you take with you but only use it as needed. Sometimes, the thought of having an anxiety med in my handbag is enough to deep breathe the scary thoughts away. Sometimes.

* I am in no way encouraging people to take medicine, without being under a physician’s care.*

*Obviously I am not a doctor and I am not dispensing advice, I’m an anxiety sufferer who wants to help others.

*I am not getting paid for this (I wish).

Blue Cotton Candy Will Not Do

Image via Wikipedia

‘MAKE YOURSELF SOME FUN’

I need more fun in my life, scratch that, I need FUN in my life and I really don’t have too much. Of course it’s unusual to live and be stuck in a hotel room with your husband, teenage daughter and shelter dog for eight weeks but that could not be helped. (Well it probably could have but that’s a whole other topic and I’m not going there.) No way, no how. Done.

So it is up to me to find some fun or make some on my own. You can’t count on others and while I feel pretty pleased with myself most of the time I am not a fun maker. I’m working on it:

Today, I finally bought some sketch paper and pens and will probably have a doodle fest. I plan to take my notebook with me (and sorry iPhone users) while I have the phone and it is amazing, I just don’t leave it on. It will be great to always have a pad of paper and an array of pens to play with.

What else?

We don’t have a bathtub where we are staying just a handicapped accessible bathroom with shower for my poor husband’s busted Achilles tendon…but as soon as we are able to move back home, I’m buying some bubbles, going to listen to some music and sing out loud, happily. Oh, to take a bath again! Fun.

I’m going to start seeing more movies on my own because movies make me very happy and I like going to a movie by myself on a Sunday afternoon when you don’t have to pay for parking.

Next week one of my best friends and I will have lunch together, we missed this week because her kids are home from college, and I can’t wait to hear her stories! We always laugh together and I treasure her friendship.

I am going to buy some pomegranate seeds tomorrow and treat myself to a frozen yogurt, unflavored, sweet and tart at the same time, like a frozen version of a delicious Indian drink, a lassi. I’m drooling with anticipation. I’m going to make a donation to the ASPCA because I haven’t been able to give money for a very long time but it bothers me and even giving a little means a lot. My animal-loving daughter and I will be donating together.

The last thing I plan to do is to find some pretty pink cotton candy and delight in its texture melting on my tongue leaving sugar sprinkles that make me giggle with happiness. I can’t wait.

Steve Jobs, I Feel Like I Knew You

Image via CrunchBaseFor the first time I bought an iPhone 4 and I was feeling connected to you. To your genius, creativity, incredible ability and generosity. I don't want you to be dead; could it be another rumor? Somehow I don't think so.

I don’t know why I gasped out loud and felt upset when I saw the news flashing on the internet: “Steve Jobs Has Died” but I did. I knew he was very sick but I and so many others were rooting for him. Even though we didn’t actually know him it felt like we did.

I know it didn’t look great when he stepped down from Apple but I was hoping he could spend some iQuality time with his iFamily. I think our generation and our children’s generation were both connected to him.  Is it because he single-handedly taught us how to connect with others in the world, changed our views on life, phones, people, music and products? It’s like losing a favorite cousin, you know the one, smart, charming, successful; the one who made us all proud and yet kept to himself. He was a very private man.

Doesn’t this go to show us that money really means nothing in this world without health? I’m sure Steve Jobs and his family could afford the best doctors in the world but they couldn’t keep him alive longer than his frail body would let him. This is a great loss to his family, to his family at Apple and to those of us who  were fans of his sheer genius.

I don’t know why I feel a personal loss, it has nothing to do with computers or iPhones or iPads I assure you. I guess it is because Steve Jobs was the wunderkind of our generation and we looked at him with awe and respect. Steve Jobs’ face is as recognizable as the Apple symbol itself.

We live in a painful world, it seems to get harder every day. To his family: I am so sorry for your loss and to our generation: I am so sorry, we lost an icon; an incredibly smart, forthright thinker; a person ahead of our time.  A genius who died long before he should have. Steve Jobs, a superstar, our very own hero in the technological communications world and one who connected us all together.

Rest In Peace, better yet Rest In iPeace.

Related article:

• Amazing quote mix of Steve Jobs! (bozoworld.wordpress.com)

The Longest I'd Want to Live without Internet

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You Mean I Would Have To Pick Up The PHONE?

My fingers started twitching when I read the question so I don’t think I could live without internet access for very long. I don’t own a fancy iPhone, or an iPad (mostly because my two teenagers and husband think I would never be able to learn it) but I do like the feeling of having my laptop. I enjoy staying in touch with friends via e-mail, and occasionally checking Facebook (ha ha, I’m addicted to it.) I do a lot of writing and blogging on-line which, to me, is essential. Also, I love listening to music from my iTunes list. I’d have to say at this point, I might be good for a day, make that half a day, without the internet. More than that, I would need to be admitted to Internet Anonymous Rehab which I’m sure would be very, very crowded and filled with all my friends.  P.S. Maybe I should rethink the iPad……? Can you write with it? Something to think about.

Steve Jobs,TMZ And Me (Pop Cop)

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Dear Harvey Levin from TMZ,

I just saw the photo you published of Steve Jobs and when I saw it I started to cry. Then I heard that the photo might be a fake, what the heck is going on?

I swear if you photo shopped his head on someone else’s poor emaciated body I will never even look at your creepy “network” again. That said, if you really did take that photo and publish it for the world to see, ditto. You are acting like a sleazy creep albeit an entertaining one but still this time you have gone too far.

If you were terminally ill how would you like someone hiding in the bushes and showing your skinny ass (it would be skinny by then) and your unhealthy pallor shown to the world? When you were in the closet being gay and not ready to reveal it, how would you have felt if someone outed you to your family? Not good, I’m sure.

It’s heartbreaking enough when someone has incurable cancer. Do you have to sensationalize it? Steve Jobs is a brilliant man, he is also a family man and a private citizen. He resigned from Apple, now leave him the hell alone. I don’t know his medical history and neither do you. All we know is that he has pancreatic cancer which he confirmed, that’s it, now shut up.

Leave him and his family alone. ( I know it sounds like “Leave Britney ALONE”but it’s not like that AT ALL. )  You really crossed the line. We know you lack class and there is certainly no empathy or compassion, we accept that. But, enough is enough. I wish people would boycott your show and your slimy low-class empire and no I don’t have a sense of humor about cruelty.

I will go to sleep tonight, sad and ashamed. Ashamed that I have complained recently because of being “homeless” due to a defective house and that my husband has had surgery and basically having a really hard time.  I will ask everyone I know, everyone with a conscience and a heart to put their hands together and pray for an iMiracle for Steve Jobs.

iMiracle coined by me.

*”Bye, Bye Borders, Borders, Bye Bye”

Image by scazon via Flickr

Closing all Borders stores is an out-and-out major disappointment. It stinks, big time. What now? Adios Barnes and Noble too? I’m not saying that I don’t love Amazon.com because I do, I like it for its convenience and low prices. Sigh, but really, you can’t sit at Amazon and drink a cup of coffee. You can’t leisurely and lovingly stroll down the aisles to see what the new hardcover books look like or how the new in paperback books are all lined up in a perfect row begging for hands to fondle them. It’s just not right and it’s sad.

Now, there is no where to go and stroll through the aisles, looking at book jackets, stopping to read the titles, gently touching my fingertips to the outline of the illustration. Borders was a great place to meet, it was in the perfect place for so many people from nearby medical offices, stores, office buildings and deli’s to meet.  Closing Borders is closing a network of people who like to linger, socialize and have a damn cup of coffee even it tasted like dirty dishwater. It was a place to sit and not ever feel rushed. You could linger among magazines and mochachinos. You could also meet like-minded people, give unsolicited advice about books, make friends, start a book club, read books to their springy, enthusiastic children.

So now, what do we do? Read our lifeless Kindles (I don’t use the one I ordered years ago) by ourselves, never touching a piece of fine, heavy, cream-colored paper? Part of  closing this particular business is not like saying good-bye to a furniture store or a nail salon, it’s saying good-bye to a way of life. A nice, peaceful way of life where people could talk, they could exchange ideas and suggest books for each other or lend coupons. It was a social place as well as a store. My children may never sit in a bookstore and linger over a heavenly array of different books, with different colorful covers and  eat snacks. They won’t meet other people or share a cup of coffee or talk to other people their age. They will be hunched over their iPhones and all they need, it seems, is a credit card and a computer. It’s a sad statement for our society.

*Sung to the tune of  “Bye, Bye, Baby, Baby Goodbye…” By the Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons