Employment Application, 2013

So freaking delicious, from my favorite restau...

So freaking delicious, from my favorite restaurant Le Madeline ūüôā (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Hiring Manager:

Wanted: Full or Part-time Job involving food, writing or any combination of the two. Traveling with car service a must: ( I have NO sense of direction and that is an understatement)¬† It is NO joke. It is NOT covered by the ADA but¬† why isn’t it?¬† Mode of transportation:¬† Airlines: Private jet or first class preferable, business class necessary, economy, okay..if I must. Stand by: Been there, done that.

Interests: Food, Special Interest: Dessert, Food TV shows, Favorite all time dessert: Sacher Torte: Original or Fake, German or Austrian or American from Kew Gardens, Queens at the Homestead Gourmet with raspberry jam.I had it every year growing up for my birthday and I miss it. RIP Teddy.

Special Skills: Having traveled (for free) in my childhood I am extremely knowledgeable to rate hotels in addition to their restaurants and room service if you would like me to do that. I do not shy away from extra assignments, in fact, I just offered a very, informative link to the hotel industry. Can someone call ‘The Hilton’s’, please?

Proof of Expertise: Reading my blog, references, and restaurant owners in the area. I wrote a review of “The Flying Pig” for the local newspaper, it is not my fault they closed the restaurant, we still miss it, I assure you. Receipts upon request.

Good Points: Very amicable, charming, an excellent communicator, doesn’t like alcohol. Does not consider sorbet a dessert, perhaps as a palette cleanser and no weird flavors like octopus or lizard. Prefers cakes over pies, ice cream in addition to the cake never in lieu of the cake. Fresh fruit on request, ha ha ha ha ha. For a special occasion our family went out to a fancy restaurant and our daughter, the vegetarian, ordered blueberries and strawberries for $12 or $15 dollars and we said “no.” She was beyond furious even after I offered to make her some at home. Cookies: any time, all the time, but if you don’t want to make them, that’s fine, go to a bakery instead, Just sayin’…

Bad Points: I confess, favorite comfort food is still Kraft American cheese slices on soft bread (not Wonder bread. Anymore.) with light spreadable “butter and a chocolate related drink, this could include hot chocolate, Yoo-Hoo or chocolate egg creams. Diet Pepsi/Coke/Root Beer acceptable too. There are certain food items and beverages that go together well. Something salty would go with this dish, chips, pretzels, nothing special.

Additional Experience: Watching TV shows with my husband on our couch while eating our dessert not to be confused with Pre-D which immediately follows our meal but is a predecessor of the real “D” (which as you may have figured out is: Dessert. Ice Cream, pastry from French bakeries, even an occasional cupcake will do if we have nothing else. (Okay, maybe a Twinkie) and Baklava, yum, (another post on Baklava is also a blog post.)

Market Reach and Development: I need to be the first person or close enough to TRY NEW PRODUCTS, that is a natural field for me, I spy them on the shelves, I immediately buy them. Case in point: “*Candy Cotton Grapes.” I did not stop until I found them, it took 3 stores but I HAD TO HAVE THEM. I excel at wanting, finding and buying new products, my mother said I’ve been like that since I was 5, haven’t stopped. (see the entry “Cotton Candy Grapes” on my blog.

Cooking Skills: I make a mean chicken soup, I can roast a chicken with lemon and love, my baking skills are superb but limited to Banana Bread with the following options (plain, chocolate chip or chocolate chip and raisin) The latter being my son’s absolute favorite and the one thing he actually brags about (and hoards) from his friends.¬† I can also bake Pumpkin bread with or without raisins (without for my daughter who doesn’t like the texture of raisins and many other things) Oh, I knew I would forget something an award-winning Pea Soup. (Okay not a real award but it deserves one.) I learned how to make Chopped Chicken Liver when I was ten by a neighbor…

Excellent Writing Skills: To summarize the meals, service, attention to detail and I interact beautifully with all levels of¬† employees. Note:¬† I believe that you need to be kind to everyone and yes, it’s hard but at least try. Karma is karma, I’m not perfect, neither are you.

Overall summary: Delightful person with excellent communication skills and a love of food (junky or refined), enthusiastic, funny, silly, and a charming dinner companion. This applicant plays no games, she can’t wear high heels because they hurt her feet, although she would try fancier flats if necessary, she is willing to adapt. She has dancing green eyes and brown curly hair and only wears lipstick which her mother has bugged her about for the last two months. She is thinking about being dragged to one of those fancy stores like Nordstrom (which I used to call Nordstrom’s before my daughter corrected me for the 19th time ( with the ever so charming and obvious eye roll to the sky) for a make-over. Plus, I need new clothing too.

This candidate, I can assure you, will never, ever be late. She will always, unless there is a natural disaster, be early because she had/has  European parents and there WAS no other option. She is honest, she can keep secrets and is always reliable.

Take a chance. At the very least, bring her in for an interview.

Pretty please with rainbow sprinkles on top?

Yours truly,

Me.

PS: If you call my friend Maureen she will tell you that at times I do eat pizza with either grape or strawberry jam on top. I do not deny this one bit. In fact, I am proud of it.

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Pop Cop: Jay Leno, I Used To Like You

Jay Leno was the man of the people. Down to earth.¬† Affable. A big lug.¬† Liked cars. Big, expensive cars. Tons of cars.¬† I used to trust Jay Leno but with all the press about him and Conan, I don’t anymore.¬† I thought Jay Leno’s interview with Oprah would somehow, some way, redeem him in my eyes and in the eyes of others.¬† She skewered him, lightly, with the gentle grace that only Oprah could pull off. Like a James Frey redo.¬† She asked questions in a fair, even way but somehow he couldn’t quite get his act together. He whined, he expressed NO remorse about Conan and said he never talked to Conan personally nor does he plan too.¬† He could have somehow come out of this mess a little less dirty, a little less oily but he didn’t.¬† The Oprah interview showed him as a cold-hearted celebrity, needing fame more than friendship; greed over greatness.

He COULD have stepped down and made way for Conan. I was never a big Conan fan to begin with but after this brouhaha he started looking a lot better. I watched Conan O’ Brien for the first time in my life; it was humbling. The show¬† portrayed Jay Leno as the rottweiler and Conan as the poor, abused, puppy. When I watched Conan I felt sad; when I watched Jay I felt angry. Here’s the reason why, according to Jay Leno “ratings” are what counts, according to Conan, life is about way more than that. I agree with Conan, there’s more to life than ratings. There’s kindness and doing the right thing.

Kudos to Jimmy Kimmel for appearing on Leno and “sucker-punching” Leno. Kimmel was straight and to the point and actually said to Jay Leno (and I am paraphrasing) what many of us were feeling. “You had your chance, you had the show for 16 years, it’s just you and Mavis and a lot of cars, you have 18 billion dollars. Conan and I are family guys, we have families. Leave us alone.” Those remarks made a direct hit to our hearts and seemed to bounce off Leno like a boomerang.

After that Jay Leno should have stopped, checked his incredibly large ego at the door and said good-bye to NBC and The Tonight Show. He should have left graciously instead of greedily. He wouldn’t give a little bit and I don’t think he’s the nice guy that he used to appear to be.

Have you learned nothing about the world? How many more billions will make you happier?¬† Doing the right thing may be very different than doing things for ratings. There’s kindness, there’s being a good man, and then, there’s karma.

I’ll stay with Letterman, who even if he is acerbic, is smart, quick and honest. Jay, I used to like you but I don’t anymore. If I could predict I would say that a lot of people are with me on this. Even when you go back to NBC to the time-slot of your choice, it may feel very, very different¬† and you deserve whatever you get. And then some.