I Wish I Had Twizzlers Right Now

A pack of Twizzlers

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Random things about me:

I love deleting my SPAM folder. I don’t just like it, I look forward to it. Now its at zero, YES!!

When I eat a piece of dark chocolate I feel virtuous. Let’s face it, milk is my chocolate of choice, it’s sweet, it’s sensual but dark is healthy and I’m aiming to please. Health points, two for me.

Haven’t had red meat in three months. When hubby starts grilling those famous burgers of his outside, I know I won’t be able to resist. I can deal with that: moderation.

I am proud to say that I both Love and Like my son and my daughter and I’m Proud of them both. This is an amazing feeling. It gives my life purpose and meaning. They have turned into wonderful young adults, 17 and 19. Goal: Achieved.

It takes my ten-year old dog more time to jump on and off the bed. I have noticed a difference in the last year and it breaks my heart. You can never be ready but I am starting to prepare myself. Preparation: Grief. I need to do this. I love her THAT much.

Starting to explore the Internet for new recipes  to try. Good for me.

Bought a juicer, used it for a week. Hid it. Pain in the ass to clean. Need to find it (again) and man up. Love the juices, hate the cleaning. I need to get over myself. Fail.

Am reading a trash novel, it’s a nice break from all the morbid and depressing books I always read. It’s not even trashy as it is easy chick lit although rumor has it that the phrase is not politically correct anymore. Sorry, Jennifer Weiner, author.

When I wear the perfume Angel, I feel special and people compliment me on it all the time. I like that.

I dress so poorly, my daughter is a bit ashamed of me, she has a right to be. She’s taking me shopping soon, I’m more than a little afraid.

I have very bad feet. I can only wear one type of sneaker with orthotics. Other people with bad feet understand this. Fashionable girls (like my daughter) do not. That, I cannot change.

Deviled eggs, roast chicken, banana bread, pot roast, pea soup, chicken soup are things I cook/bake extremely well.

I once pooped in my pants when I had a stomach virus and couldn’t make it home on time. Mad sick.

Last night I woke up and my jaw was locked, it was terrifying. I must have been clenching my teeth so hard I could not open my mouth. Grabbed an Alleve and swallowed it, thankfully it helped.

I have a fear of germs and sickness, especially getting the dreadful Eppiglottitis again which just about killed me. Twice. Pain like searing swords in a red, hot throat. Childbirth was easy compared to it. Please don’t come back again. I carry Purell in my purse.

Sometimes I feel scared and anxious of things in advance, I try to talk myself out of it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I hate when it happens.

I still have stuffed animals and I am proud of it. There is no age limit on stuffed animal friends.

I tell myself that “life is short” so I should “enjoy each day” but then I forget. Working on it.

The TV Executives should never have taken off the show “Brothers and Sisters.” Don’t even think about taking off “Parenthood.”

I should listen to more music.

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(Not-So) Guilty Pleasures

I am watching “The Celebrity Apprentice” on my computer and I am enjoying every minute of it.  Last night my husband Dan and I watched “Survivor” a show we haven’t watched in years and loved it. I slipped a chocolate covered cherry into my mouth and let the super-sweetness saturate my mouth and I audibly sighed with pleasure.  I tasted the icing of the lemon cake that we received as a gift and had to stop myself from eating more than a taste. It wasn’t easy. I also ate a few spoonfuls of chocolate cake that wasn’t even particularly good, but it’s chocolate and mood elevating and even mediocre chocolate is better than none. Sometimes.

In these hard times these small pleasures help me stay afloat.   It’s not that I have any interest in alcohol, drugs or smoking cigarettes, I prefer television shows, music of the moment and food.  I am not ashamed to say that I watch “American Idol” when I can and that I tape “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Private Practice.”  These are the escapes I need while bed-ridden with bruised ribs and my auto-immune disease and while my husband is unemployed and at his computer mostly all the time and when our two teenagers are way too busy for us.

I am not a shopping addict or any kind of addict that would be construed as harmful to other people in any way. I share one beloved television show with my daughter, Glee.  After I watched the Glee episode, Madonna theme, I have been playing Madonna’s songs for the past three days. Over and over again. It’s like if I have something I love I will love it obsessively for a period of time and only when I am truly sick of it do I move on to something else. I’m still with Glee and I’m still singing Madonna songs; and most important of all, I’m still watching Glee with my daughter. I love sharing something that my daughter loves. I admit, I was unimpressed with Glee for awhile and I was totally wrong, and yes, she was totally right.

My daughter and I are obsessive about food too. If  we love something we will eat it ad nauseum until we are so tired of it that we will banish it for a very long time and replace it with something else. After awhile whatever we love becomes “been there, done that,” let’s move on to something new. Our latest food of choice are avocados, stuffed shells and baked ziti. For me, my new (newly chipped) juicer is my latest craze.  I am so into juicing and I have made carrot-apple juice, and carrot-apple-pineapple-brocolli juice. My daughter Jillian made a delightful blend of strawberry-mango juice that was delicious.   I am obsessed with juicing and if I wasn’t so lazy about cleaning it all the time, I would have different types of juice at least three times a day; but sometimes laziness wins, I have to admit.

Admitting that I am lazy these days is okay too. I don’t have the energy for very much due to both my bruised ribs and my auto-immune disease, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. I used to be very hard on myself for what I deemed “my weakness” but I’ve grown up and realized it’s just not my fault. That leap into acceptance has been long overdue. So, I will eat my favorite foods and listen to my songs of the week(s), will watch television happily with my family or by myself and learn to accept my limitations.  I will try to live without feeling sorry for myself and feeling bad about myself. Instead, I will heal, slowly, consciously and grateful for all the blessings that I do have in my life.