it’s too cold out, i’m lazy as shit

Just another Tequila Sunset… (Photo credit: law_keven)

ramblings from a woman in bed 2:

i could blame my four going on five days of staying in my bed on m chronic illnesses,  fibromyalgia: because my muscles and bones or as we call them bone-ces do hurt and I am unsteady on my feet and off balance. I could say my auto-immune disease, hashimotos-thyroiditis is making me feel weak and that my immune system is whacked, how I still don’t know. but basically in this random writing, i’d be lying and that’s one thing I try not to do. cause I sure hate it when others do it to me.

it’s cold as a bitch out there, the winds are past blowing, they are swaying the barren trees and the unfortunate people who are out there. i’ve been in bed for the last 4 days, the thought of going outside seems unreasonable and impossible, it would hurt too much. if i had to go out and it was an emergency i know i could do it but with my kids home and hanging out, there is no need. hubby took this week off and he does not mind cold weather like i do, it’s been this way for over 25 years. i’ve always hated the cold weather but especially since i got sick with these chronic illnesses. the cold tenses up my already stiffened muscles and makes me suffer with even more pain. why do that if there is no benefit? once it is reasonably cold out, i will go. i’m not boycotting it, i’m just rebelling. let’s be reasonable.i need warmth, sun, beach, water; i’m keeping my eye on the prize.

i’ve talked to friends who have the same illnesses and they too are nestled in their soft pajamas, staying in bed and drinking tea in a mug with milk and sugar or strong coffee, or sipping water from a big, clear bottle. the only thing i want to eat is soup and i remember i have a large container of home-made pea soup with ham and lots of carrots (for sweetness) waiting for me in the freezer. you can hear the wind howling, it thrashes by my windows with fury, the new windows, of course which do nothing but cost a lot of money that we do not have.

my life would be easier if i loved cold weather but my husband and i have been fighting ok discussing this for years now. so far he has won. but when both children graduate college, it’s my turn. i want to see the bright yellow of the morning sun, to see the red velvet sunset on the beach and clap at the beauty. i want nature and water in my life and not once every five years but daily, at least for a time. i would compromise, i’d be a snowbird but this i will not do much longer. this makes me unhappy, it’s going to be my turn next. I need more nature in my life, more sunshine. the ice pellets are now coming down quickly stick to every surface; black ice hides sneakily where you think you are safe. the cold, nasty, biting wind just slaps my soul.

What I Wish I Had Done Differently in School

Why Do You Feel This Way?

Sigmund Freud

I would have pushed my insecurities away, told myself there is nothing I can’t do and meant it! I would have followed my dreams to  obtain a Psy.D and not stopped with a Bachelor’s Degree and a few Graduate courses. Laziness would not be a word in my dictionary. People would have called me Fearless Leader and not “Libra girl who can’t make a decision and is too lazy to keep going.” I should have, I could have but I didn’t. Was it wrong decision? Not really, it was right for me at the time.

thank you Ghandi

so i went to the snooty mall today, all anxious and not knowing where to go. my sense of direction is what legends are made of. as in i have no sense of direction, never did, never will. and jill was not working. yes, jill our gps helper person.  of course, when I have to go to the complicated mall jill just shows me an hour-glass going up, going down. i had no idea where i was going. had to stop a car in the next lane  and scream to ask for directions. it was all so seventies.  there was bumper to bumper traffic, what should have been a 35 minute drive took me over an hour and ten minutes. I was all jittery and hot and flushed since I didn’t want to be late for my appointment and nordstrom’s doors were locked tight and it was like totally dark in there so we were all milling around in the parking lot waiting to see if someone would unlock the doors because eventually they had to. right? i mean it is nordstroms….

i had a 10:15 appointment with the genius ( i kid you not, that’s what they are called) at apple and I was all running over shlepping my computer because the dvd player which I tried at home at least 12 times, was all of a sudden working. surreal, i know, totally  really surreal, like going to the doctor with a complaint and then as soon as she walks in the room, it’s gone. cured. just like my computer when he, the genius, put the Ghandi dvd in it that had scratches and i swear that Ghandi himself healed the computer’s dvd. no seriously, Ghandi himself fixed my computer and saved me about 200 dollars.

while my computer  was given a free, yes free, new keyboard, i walked around the pretentious mall and wanted to get an iced tea. there was a specially tea store and I swear on my life, they wanted me to pay $4.95 for a small herbal iced tea and i was so “i’m so out of here” because starbucks is even cheaper than this and i have a gift card. i walked around the mall slowly until two people (two different people) accosted me, shoving samples in my hand. and I was all fine and happy that i got free samples until I looked at them and saw they were samples for people with deep, severe, repeat deep, severe wrinkles. now i had two wrinkle cream serums and I thought to myself, omg, I must look so old and horrible and I didn’t even have an iced tea to drink to keep myself hydrated.

i’m in all sorts of pain and my back is all sore especially the lower middle back and i am tempted to cry but am trying to hold myself together because yesterday was a horrible day and everyone was in a miserable mood. today was a little bit better because it must be that Ghandi sent some more healing powers although it seems the genius who worked on my computer did something wrong and now my computer sounds like an airplane on a runway about to take off. but supposedly the dvd player is still fixed, just not sure if i can hear it now.

i met a really interesting friend of my mother’s who is an artist and somehow she inspired me in some sort of creative, optimistic way.  i am now thinking about taking an art class even though i know i have zero talent but i’m talking myself into trying again. i failed clay once and i’ve never forgotten it but i was in my twenties then and at 54 i really don’t care all that much. so i need a new hobby and now i have inspiration and a sunnier disposition to think about it. so i will plug away and maybe get involved in something new or maybe i won’t and will be the lazy slob i always have been and dive under piles of comforters and dream of spring.