Painkillers Are Easy; It’s Life That’s Hard

April 16, 2010

It’s always the unexpected things that happen, the ones you can’t prepare for, that freak me out.  The ones that pop out at you in the middle of the night when everyone is in dreamy night-sleep, lumbering, putting their cares to rest. Suddenly, out of the blue, the phone rings, something happens to you, to someone you love, to someone you know, that flips you like a sizzling-hot flap-jack. All that you knew for certain was suddenly gone in a split second. That, is called Life. I hate that part.

Mice, rats and bats are examples of things I also hate that appear, no dart, out of nowhere surprising people. It’s their unpredictability that frightens me, roaches too. If a mouse were to introduce himself to me, slowly, I might not mind the little critter but those rapid, sure-fire motions make me actually scream out loud and yes, I do climb on a couch or a chair or whatever will elevate me to the highest position I can handle.  Fear of heights, though, is another matter altogether.

Unexpected things scare the hell out of me and probably I am not alone but most people try to avoid thinking about it and are somewhat successful. After all, you can’t prepare for it so you have to just roll with the punches, as they say. I am not a very good roller, I must admit.  I need to get used to something albeit for five minutes. I’m great in a crisis for other people but not for myself. I need time to acclimate, to fidget, freak out, worry and adjust.  I need to wrap my head around something new and I definitely need to percolate.

I am an old-fashioned coffee maker that sits on the stove top and slowly, very slowly starts to boil, and drip, boil and drip. You can rely on me to make a good cup of coffee but it is always the same, nothing better, nothing worse. Don’t surprise me by turning the flame on too high because I will burst into flames and burn, don’t turn the flame off completely because then I will just sit there and die, and the coffee will taste like luke warm soapy water.

There are also times when I am amply prepared for what is about to happen and cry anyway. My son is a Junior in High School, next year he will be a Senior and then off he will go to college. Tonight, I burst into tears because I know I will miss him so much. Yes, I am glad he is going to go, yes, I think he will have the time of his life, yes, I am proud of him. It’s knowing that it will never be the same, once he heads out the door, that makes me cry. “I am going to miss him” I sob when he just took the car for five minutes.  Things happen like that, unexpected, unrelated emotions that just burst forth uninvited. For all those future moments of sadness and depression, sobbing and wailing I will say that I expect them, but in no way does that mean that I will be prepared.