Ellen Degeneres: Not For A Million Dollars? (Pop Cop)

English: Ellen DeGeneres in 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Look at that adorable photograph of Ellen Degeneres, she looks like an absolute angel. Her kind, blue eyes, that wide, easy smile. I adore her, I’m a big fan and I used to fantasize sitting in her audience or better yet being on her show. USED TO is the operative phrase here. The problem with just sitting in her audience is that I have a HORRIBLE startle reflex. If I was on the Ellen show and she scared me as she does everyone else, I think I would have a heart attack and die. Before that, I would definitely pee my pants and probably throw up. I’m not kidding. I adore Ellen, I have written articles about Ellen, she seems to be an amazing woman, talented, philanthropic, kind. Wait, did I say kind? She is kind, to other people, to many other people but when it comes to pranks she’s Dennis the Menace. (I’m old people, really old: google it.)

One of my life’s goal was to meet Ellen not just because she is a star, a celebrity but for who she is as a person. However, I may have to retract that because even if I would be invited on her show (think fantasy) I would be terrified about the pranks she might (HA, WOULD) pull. I wish this was a joke but I am dead serious. Sure, I laugh along with everyone else while watching her prank other people but I would be suspicious of her as soon as I landed in Los Angeles (again, think fantasy.)

Would I go on her show knowing my fear of pranks and her love for it? If she said “I will not pull any pranks on you” would I believe it? HELL NO! I do not think she is nasty or mean-spirited, I adore the woman but I have such a startle reflex and LOUD SCREAM that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I would not only embarrass myself but my entire family (although they are used to me frequently screaming or shrieking loudly.)

Ellen, I adore you. I love watching your television show. You have an incredible open and generous heart. That said, I will love you from afar, from my television box, where I can stay, somewhat safe, (wait, should I even trust you with that? and not obsess about how you would startle me and make me scream like a screeching monkey in heat.

Thanks for the laughs, for the joy, for your show. Keep dancing!

Just stay away from me.

Love,

Your fan,

Laurie F.

Hibernationnow.wordpress.com

Plinky Prompt: Who Is The Most Famous Person You Have Met?

• 

  English: Ellen DeGeneres in 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  Meeting Someone Famous

• Define Famous For Me…
  I’ve said hello to Diana Ross, John Travolta, and endless movie stars. I met Bob Barker when I was six and my parents snuck me into a taping of “The Price Is Right” when we visited Los Angeles. I’ve offered Dustin Hoffman coffee (well, me and six other people), I sat next to Vanessa Williams (I observed her complexion when she was promoting that Pro-Activ skin care line) at a conference. I saw Robert Redford in the lobby of the building I worked in and couldn’t believe it was him. More importantly, I even (I’m embarrassed and I’m sorry) met and told President Clinton that perhaps he should eat a hamburger (even though he is a vegan)( SORRY ELLEN DEGENERES) because he looked so gaunt and I worried for his health. I admit it, mea culpa.
  BUT, I don’t care about fame or fortune, title or level. I never have and I never will. I care about how a person treats me and others and I am not easily intimidated. I don’t consider Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan famous, sorry, I just don’t. Famous people? People who have changed the world for the better, people who have helped people. I would love to meet Ellen Degeneres (or Oprah when she still had her wonderful daytime show-she gave me such inspiration) because they want to make the world a better, more loving place and yes, to me, they are famous. It’s not fame that interests me, it’s character. I’d be honored to meet Ellen or Oprah, two women who have strength, love, generosity and humility. To me, that’s the definition of FAME.
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Why Lindsey Lohan Isn’t In Jail NOW….

Image via Wikipedia

Image via Wikipedia

The explanation? Double standards.

I should not even be wasting my time to post another article about Lindsey Lohan, but, I can’t help myself. She has such a sense of ENTITLEMENT and no wonder, everyone seems to handle her with kid gloves. Judge? Lawyers? LA County? I’m sorry, (heavy sarcasm) she missed the first day of her volunteer commitment in the morgue. Oh, she was just late , well of course, let’s give her another chance. NO. They should have thrown her Versace backside into the slammer right then and there. Done. Over. No more chances.

Give us, the real population, a break. She is a washed-up child star who is begging for attention by her behavior. Fail a drug test? Maybe she ate a bagel with poppy seeds by mistake. Oops. If you or I, or any member of the general public had failed probation once we would be in deep doody. Lindsey? Nah, let’s give her one more chance….and another one…why? Because she is/was a celebrity.

If she wasn’t a “celebrity” would she have gotten all these second, third, twenty chances? NO, if a regular person, with a real job had screwed up this many times, they would have been in lock down years ago. Did you know she ordered cupcakes and burgers to the staff and volunteers at the morgue as an apology for being late yesterday? Yes she did and OH NO SHE DIDN’T! Apparently the cupcakes were not accepted (not sure about the burgers.)

Does this not show everyone (hello Judge?) that she still doesn’t get it?

With all the times she failed probation, drank when she shouldn’t have, failed sobriety tests. California? What?  You didn’t learn from the OJ Simpson trial?  Apparently not. It seems like all you have to be in California, is a celebrity, preferably a rich one.

Let her keep on getting away with things, and then start planning her funeral.

*S.N.O.W. The New DSM Disorder

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S.N.O.W stands for Sadness, Nothing, Overwhelming, Winter disorder and people in the Northeast are suffering from it in masses this winter. Because of an extended period of snowstorms, approximately every two days, sometimes more often, more and more people have been diagnosed with the above disorder. It appears that this new syndrome called S.N.O.W. now appears in the new DSM (Diagnostic Symptoms Manuals used in mental health.) The disorder has the following symptoms: claustrophobia, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression. To illustrate the symptoms the following scenarios should make it more understandable:

1) Claustrophobia: many people who are unable to go outside and are not able to be independent, to drive on their own through wintry conditions, feeling closed in, unable to breathe, unable to go anywhere.  Every time there is snow, freezing rain or ice the feeling of claustrophobia intensifies.  People suffering from claustrophobia generally also suffer from the following:

2) Anxiety: The feeling of being anxious, disturbed, uneasy. Your heart beat may seem faster, stronger, you may have chest pains and the feeling of being nervous all the time. This is natural for this condition.

3). OCD:  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: patients generally run to the window or door, or they stand next to the aforementioned window or door flattening their faces against the glass for many minutes on end. They go back and forth to see if the snow has stopped, the ice pellets have turned to rain and how the snowflakes fall and in what particular pattern. Patients also try to gauge how much snow, rain, ice, etc.   Patients say that they sit riveted to the Weather Channel or local forecasts or both.

4) Depression: the feeling of sadness that does not go away, feeling “blue,”sad, lonely, isolated, unable to feel joy. The feeling that you will never be happy again, that you are unable to enjoy anything in life including but not limited to: loved ones, music, television and anything else you formerly enjoyed doing. You may not want to get out of bed (and really, why should you?) because you feel there is no way out. You may be correct in this assumption.

Once the diagnosis has been made, the following recommendations generally fall in the following perimeters: 1) prescriptions include: a week, 2 weeks 4 weeks or three months (depending on the severity of your patients’ symptoms and bank account) to a warm climate for as long as you can. Some destinations, for example, are: in Arizona, New Mexico, Florida or Los Angeles.  A sun “lamp” to give yourself the (fake) feeling of getting outdoor light can also be used though there are no firm statistics that support this.  Tanning beds are also thought to be an option, but one which comes with a medical advisory of a possible link to skin cancer, more specifically, melanoma.

Of course your mental health professional may write you a prescription for anti-depressants but really, by the time they actually start to work (6-8 weeks) Spring will be hopping on its feathery feet to come and stay for a little while. For the short-term, think of yellow daffodils sprouting and listen to the song “Breathe” sung by Anna Nalick, continously. Symptoms of S.N.O.W. should dissipate within two to three months. It is possible that in the winter of 2012 the symptoms may resurface.

*a parody

I’m In Love: FoodCrafters (A Foodie Blog)

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Hello Aida Mollenkamp,

You are adorable as the host of this new (to me) show! I just found this delightful show while I was innocently flipping through the channels. How long has this magnificent show been on the air? I accidentally, I mean blessedly, stumbled upon it this very morning. The show is called FoodCrafters on The Cooking Channel. Today’s episode: candy/sweets: serious, beautiful, artisinal candy made by loving, professional, hands. There are no huge, corporate factories on this show.

First up were beautiful candies made at Papabubbles in NY.  Honestly, for a moment I thought that this FoodCrafters segment was featuring an art show, the different colored candies were so incredibly beautiful. They showed us the intricate detail with which they made their  lime candies. Ladies and gentlemen, we are not talking life savers anymore. This is the real thing, I could practically taste the flavor through the television, so intense and vibrant, so beautiful, so artistic. I made need to take the train to get to this amazing store some day.

Next up was a company called Whimsicals in Chicago. Their claim to fame are beautiful nougat, (I so love nougat) chocolate and caramel candies called The La Dee Dahs. It honestly looks like a swirl of perfection. I would be more than happy to try these if you would like me to. Seriously? My day of heaven would consist of being on the Oprah show (or happily sitting in the audience) while eating these delicious treats.  I promise to share…..at least with Oprah and her best friend Gayle.

We are now visiting the Zen baking company for zen cake balls in Dallas, Texas.  This is a southern specialty but could easily become a national specialty if you ask me. Mini bites (balls) of cake are made, covered in  frosting. They are molded by hand and then dipped in frosting. They showed mini bites of red velvet cake. Did you know that red velvet has chocolate in it?  I had no idea, I just know I love it. The red velvet balls are covered with a cream cheese frosting. (I would have preferred vanilla frosting but no one asked me.) Other varieties are the happy birthday cake (this has my name on it), sunshine lemon (ok, this has my name on it too), cookie dough ( I would be happy to try this too) and I think, one other flavor that I can’t remember because I was salivating so much that I started to drool all over the keyboard.

The last segment featured a store in Los Angeles, California called Milk and Krunchies.  My sweet tooth and basically all my teeth were aching for a taste. This segment featured marshmallow treats and not your ordinary, make- at -home krispie treats (so you feel like an ace mother) either. These are gourmet; a new twist on an old favorite. This place (hey, I travel)  makes krispie treats with flavors like:  cookies and cream, a toffee mix, peanut butter and jelly and peanut butter cup among others. This had my mouth watering with nostalgia and it is definitely reason enough to schedule a trip to the West Coast.

If any of the above stores would like to send me samples so I can REALLY review them, I would be happy to provide you with my address. Please, I beg of you. However, if that is not in your budget or if that does not appeal to you I did hear that you can get some of these delicious delights by going to:  cookingchanneltv.com. Excuse me for the short post but in case I don’t get my samples I may need to run and find my credit card to order……now this is what I call quality television. You rock!

Love from your new adoring fan.

Pop Cop: Lindsey Lohan (Get A Grip)

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I read today that the quintessential Lindsey Lohan is headed back to rehab for violating the terms of her probation. Really. If it were up to me I would  boot her skinny white ass to jail where, I think, she belongs. Forgive me for being crass but let’s take the rich, glamorous, Hollywood glitz and celebrity status out of this situation and then do the math.  Replace Lindsey Lohan’s name with an UNKNOWN drug addict from ANYWHERE:  Hawaii, Nevada, Florida, New York, a tiny crack house in Los Angeles ( you pick) and then hand down your verdict. Remove the expensive lawyers, the media frenzy and the public’s fascination for Hollywood and where does that leave you? Probably in jail, with the rest of the people who don’t have a ton of money for rich, top-notch lawyers. If this case involved an unknown, “regular” person would they too receive the “get out of jail free” card? Not in my opinion. I don’t think they would get the same number of chances when they relapsed either.

How many “do-overs” would we get for the same exact crime?  Many people have drug and alcohol addictions and I am sure its an extremely difficult thing to go through but, in my personal opinion, it was made easier for Ms. Lohan.

I’m sick of a justice system that allows a young addict like Lindsey Lohan to go back to a rehab program instead of sharing a cell in the county jail (oh right, I forgot, she had her own private cell when she was in jail.)  Where is her orange jumpsuit now? What privileges have been taken away from her? They even removed the SCRAM bracelet that detects drugs and alcohol from her fragile, famed, skinny, ankle.

What’s next for Lindsey Lohan after rehab? Perhaps a movie career, a modeling job or a talk show host for the daytime diva.  I seem to be missing the part where she is supposed to say “I am totally responsible for my actions.” I don’t know what will happen to Ms. Lohan after her stint in rehab; I have no idea, nor do I truly care. In all likelihood she will be able to work on her clothing line in rehab and will reap the financial rewards when she gets discharged.

Will Lindsey Lohan go the route of Anna Nicole Smith? It’s a possibility, I’m sure. It’s in her best interest to finally get herself clean, I’m just not sure if she can stay clean and sober. For her sake, I hope she does. She has brought this upon herself, partying to all hours of the night with her friends; touting liquor like it was her favorite lipstick. Get clean Lindsey, you’ve been given yet another chance. Don’t mess it up.