I am not just a sad woman, I am a bereft child who is sobbing in the shower,
clinging to the metallic shower handle so I don’t collapse.
I thought I knew myself,
I’m surprised, ashamed, disappointed
pompous me, I was fine, I said.
I had received “messages” from my dad from the other side and they did comfort me.
That was then, this is now. It’s the night of THE DAY. He died, eleven years ago at 10:20pm.
It surprises me every year when I think I have everything under control,
These raw emotions find me, sneak up on me, reopening bloody, sore wounds
as if I was being stabbed right through the heart, anew.
The hairy monsters that used to hide in my closets when I was young
don’t have a daddy to tell me all is well. Never again, is hard to take.
I want to curl up in the fetal position and cover myself with soft, blue blankets and blankets reaching to the sky.
I want to see no one
but I have my own family now and I want them to have their own happiness.
We will go together for an early dinner, the kids will move on to their parties,
and I will come back home, begging for tomorrow to come.