I’m An Ugly Owl, Beyonce And Ellen Degeneres

English: Ellen DeGeneres in 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t care if Beyoncé lip synced the song, at President Obama’s Inauguration.  It was freezing outside and I’m surprised she could even move her pretty lips that well. What more do you want from a person? I would have been out there with my puffy brown down jacket, my puffy head covered with my puffy brown hood, my eyeglasses sticking out conspicuously and I would have looked like an overfed owl. An ugly owl. Not to mention, I have NO singing talent at all. Picture this, a wide gray and white owl opening its mouth to sing, off-key, not a pretty site. Beyoncé? She could wear a paper bag and make it look gorgeous, because SHE is gorgeous.

There are people I think I know when in truth I don’t. I think I KNOW Ellen Degeneres. I happen to be a good judge of character. I know she is warm, and real, and giving and gracious and a terrific human being on stage and off.  How do I know this? Gut feeling. I have never met Ellen, never talked to her, we have never had been  introduced but I just feel in my heart she is all good, maybe she gets cranky once in a while. Basically, “what you see is what you get”, it’s that simple. I would be best friends with Ellen with one exception: I HATE practical jokes( on me.) No, seriously. I scream, I pee, I have a startle reflex and I get scared by anyone who dares try to prank me even in my family. A quick darting mouse scares me and I freak out hysterically, it puts me in a panic and yes, I have been know to climb up on a chair or furniture. You are probably too young to remember but those of us who are old will remember “Eek, Eek.a mouse!” That is so me.

I have a game I play with myself. ( I lead a fairly dull life) If I was famous or had just become FAMOUS for some wonderful deed and was picked (okay, it’s my fantasy, sought after) to tell my GREAT accomplishment and all the talk show hosts wanted ME and I had offers from Oprah, Ellen, (Gosh, I don’t know who is out there any more) Barbara Walters, (Barbara, I am worried about you, a bruise on your forehead should NOT be keeping you in the hospital this long,  what are you not telling me?) The View,  Ricky Lake, Jeff Probst or Anderson Cooper (just cross them off if I made them up) who would I choose to talk to?

I admit, pre OWN, when The Oprah Winfrey show was on, I would have said Oprah, in a heartbeat. I grew up with her and I did worship her and her show. I learned so much from Oprah, the teacher, but everything has an end and when she decided to leave no one could have been more gracious. Not to mention that stunning dress! Now, I would pick Ellen. Because (there would be a-no scare tactics allowed in the contract) I feel that she is real and lovely and nice, funny, easy-going and not a diva. I would like to meet Portia and Mama ( how are you feeling Mama, did you get my Get Well card?) and we could all go out to lunch and I would pray that there would be non vegan options. Mama, please tell me you’re not vegan too. (we should chat.) But, I am flexible, I mean I’ve never had vegan food made by a private chef or anything.

I’m back to reality, Ellen’s real birthday is tomorrow and I won’t be in the studio audience and that’s okay because I just want Ellen to be happy on her birthday and Mama too.Hey, everyone else: even though we don’t have the money for lavish presents, one should always celebrate our birthdays in style because our birthdays are special to us.

Happy Birthday, Ellen!

“Man vs Food” (An Extreme Foodie Blog) Repost

Image via Wikipedia

If you have never watched the show “Man vs. Food” don’t be surprised, and don’t be upset. I just stumbled upon it on the Travel Channel. I have to admit the first few minutes I was absolutely appalled. The premise is that this dude  (and he is a dude) named Adam Richman goes all over the country doing food challenges. No, not challenges to cook, challenges to EAT. A lot. After the first fifteen minutes of being totally grossed out, I was unable to take my eyes away from the show I thought I hated. As I wrote my fellow foodie friend Paula,  it’s enough to make you want to be a minimalist calorie counter.

The first thing that I saw was a spicy sushi challenge, escalating in heat and spice from one to ten, that seemed doable and innocent enough. It was just the amount of spice he could handle (I would still be on one). He was awarded a Master. Okay, I thought, not bad.  Then came the: next challenge: and I kid you not, he had to eat (ok, he didn’t HAVE to),  the 4 – 5 lb grilled cheese sandwich consisting of: 3 thick slices of bread, fried, 14 kinds of cheese., hand cut french fries, coleslaw and pickles. In one sitting.  In case you were worried, there was no time limit, however he was trying to eat all of this under twenty minutes because then it would have been free! ( I could be mixing this up with the 12 burger patty challenge, sorry!) He looked like he was about to gag and I kind of wish he had thrown up but he didn’t. It wouldn’t be good for ratings or for the show. Darn.

There is always a crowd  that cheers him on to overeat, (I mean reach his goal) “Go Adam, Go Adam, Come on Adam, do it,” they chant.  It’s like one big frat party with food instead of kegs. The man is both a walking heart attack about to happen and stroke victim to be. Serious appetite he says? I say he should be the poster child for potential obesity and clogged arteries in America.  It’s a sickening show yet I  admit, I kept watching. It’s like the car crash mentality where you don’t want to see what happened but between your fingers, you are definitely looking.

Hysterically enough the show is sponsored by Cheerios, ” a smart way to lower cholesterol”  and Zantac, an ad for antacid. Could this get funnier? (or sicker?) Now, Adam is attempting to eat something called a” Polish boy” and just watching it gave me an acid stomach and I reached for Tums. I couldn’t keep up with all the minute details but basically it was a boiled and then fried jumbo hot dog (on location in Cleveland), with french fries, spicy sauce, pork shoulder, more sauce, all on top of one another. Wait,  I think i am forgetting something….right, there’s coleslaw too.  “Do it for Cleveland baby, do it for Cleveland” people roared. “One more bite, one more bite” the audience chants and than applauds wildly when he has achieved his, um, goal, success (?)  Once again, Adam is declared a champion. Go Adam!

Now Adam has 12 burgers one on top of another. He’s got himself a show where he travels around the country to challenge other people’s eating records. Really? He calls it ” the worlds greatest pig out spots”. My first question: Why? It’s gluttony, it is over the top, it’s somewhat entertaining in a sick way and it’s appalling.What kind of  (mixed) message are we sending to the country? They say “victory is sweet”, but after watching this show, moderation is better.

I hope First Lady Michele Obama doesn’t see this show, actually, I kind of hope she does. Hello, Madam President? Please watch this show once (and once is enough) and tell us what you think. I’m dying to know. Finally, the show ended and it wasn’t a moment too soon. I found myself feeling greasy after watching all those fat food frames. I was annoyed with myself for watching the entire episode and again, I was a little happy to have seen it. What is wrong with me?

When the show was over, I needed a snack, a refreshing snack, “clean food”.  I decided on a small, clear glass bowl of cold mandarin oranges in light syrup; it’s all I could eat and it tasted like heaven.