Haiku Horizons, Dawn

 

Mourning, an Angel

Coldness, sadness, slap my face

Dawn’s funeral, still.

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Stretching to the sun

pink, yellow. puff balls of dawn

invite me out, play.

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Dawning of the day

Yesterday’s nightmares have passed

Rejoice, start anew.

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Free Write Friday, Kellie Elmore. ” I Fear The Night…”

Fear terror eye

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

“I fear the night

I fear the dark

I need this light

this special spark”

After my parents have tucked me in, kissed my forehead and said good-night I make them leave my door open a crack so I can still see the light. I know when they go to sleep, they turn it off. Those scary images outside my window start coming inside to my room. Every. Single Time. I am scared of the dark and when the evil ghost, witches and monsters start coming inside my room, I feel like I am going to throw up.

Long, pointy black brittle fingers from the mean witch come straight at my eyes, I try closing my eyes but they stay open. Hairy, big, green and brown monsters attack my head and as soon as I feel them clutching my head, I shake them off, but they come right back like super glue. It’s like a clamp, getting tighter and tighter until the pain is unbearable. I start screaming for help but no words come out of my mouth.

I stay frozen in fear unable to move my arms or legs. Now, every part of my body feels like concrete.  I just want to be safe but there is a twin sister witch in the corner hovering over me with her nasty broom and she is roaring, deep, dark sounds, telling me “she will never let me get up”. I try to look for any possible escape and see a corner of a window but I know my body can’t move. The witch sees my eyes look over the tiny bit that I can and out of the window comes hot boiling cauldrons of scalding black and red oil flowing into the room. Anyone that touches that would get burned and eaten alive. The witch sisters scream with laughter.

They. Know. My. Name. Now, I know that they really ARE meant to torture just me. “BENJAMIN” they boom and my heart beats so fast it feels like it is going to jump out of my body and sure enough there is an evil gnome with no eyes and nose right next to my body with his hand outstretched as if to take my heart any second. It makes my heart beat even faster and it hurts. I start not being able to breathe…until, until… I am being gently woken up and my room has its lights on again. I see my mommy but I am mad at her, “where were you before when I needed you?” My mom is trying to tell me “It was a nightmare.” For a minute I don’t understand, everything was so real. I try to explain but soon as she continues to hug me and not let go the images fade away and finally I am relaxing and I try not to cry with relief.

Mommy says “that’s the last scary movie you will ever be allowed to see” and for a moment I pretend to be mad but secretly, I am so relieved.  My mom’s arms are still around me, and before I can even ask she says “I’m not going anywhere, buddy, I’m staying right here until long after you fall asleep.”

Scared child

AScared child (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

all photo credit

goes to the very talented @Doug88888.

Poetry

Northern Cardinal

Image by RunnerJenny via Flickr

Spring

Wind-swept hair falling in my green eyes making them tear up, like sudden heart-break.

The first struggling purple croci reaching for the sun

Cold temperatures still make us shake and  burrow

our necks into pink and red embroidered scarves

while the beautiful red cardinals start singing their delightful songs.

Night

Everything is scary when you wake up at 3:30am.

Twinges tickling your stomach as your mind taunts you.

What was just a thought last night is a devastating situation now.

I try to rock myself to sleep, back and forth, my eyes deadlocked

on the digital clock, numbers flipping past at an enormous speed.

Deep breaths, resolutions, solutions, I think nothing will feel better

until  the morning with its gift of my first cup of strong and milky coffee.

Prednisone Bitch, Part 3, (Going, Going, Gone?)

Bad Witch 4" x 4" Collage

Image by DianthusMoon via Flickr

This is the last phase of being on the drug Prednisone. I am in the final phase taking 10 mg for three days and then I’m done. The amount of energy I had the first few days is gone. I am no longer cooking up batches of baked ziti nor am I running around the kitchen like a commercial for  robotic, easy, fast, cleaning. I am not darting around but still have the quick heartbeat and a little of the energy left; but not much.

Unfortunately, my brain and my body are on different speeds. I don’t like the feeling of my brain running on overload and my body beginning to lag behind. I am more uptight and it’s harder to relax; it’s also harder to sleep fitfully. I have nightmares every night and I don’t know if there is a connection but my sleep is definitely not deep and not peaceful. My muscle aches and pains were definitely better in the beginning with the large dose of Prednisone but it is hard to differentiate if it is because of the medicine or because I was speeding so much I just didn’t notice it!

The Prednisone, is slowly melting away from my body, like the body of the bad witch in the Wizard of Oz when water was thrown at her (I’m melting…..) I hope that in a few days my body and mind will be more in sync. Now, I just want to get the drug out of my system and go back to whatever “normal” is for me and that is something that changes day-to-day.

I’m coming down from the rush and speed of Prednisone, a very powerful and intense drug. I was glad for the fake recharging of my batteries but now I am just waiting for it to leave my body, little by little and take with it the fastened heartbeat, like an injured bird that is attacking my chest. It’s time to slow down, naturally.

The Reasons Why

I wake up each night every two hours.  I fall asleep quickly but two hours later these horrible mind games occur.  I wake up, not groggy, but alert as if an alarm inside me has gone off like a very loud siren.  Last night the ghost of anxiety past, present and future  filled my brain so much that I felt confused and uncertain. My mind was a mixture of headlines and dark thoughts twisted together like a  tree with very weak limbs. If there was a blast of wind I know the tree would ultimately go down, lying decrepit and lost by the side of the snow-covered road.

Why were there two teenagers admitted to the ICU with blood clots in an arm and in the brain. They are from the same town and know each other.  What are the chances of that happening, and why? The messages that terrorists are likely to attack again, soon frighten me.   I see the images of their faces in the newspapers and on television, over and over again.  I felt uneasy rereading the thirty-seven pages I read of The Bell Jar for my son.  The Methotrexate drug I take  haunts me and hates me, as I do it. The intense images of my daughter’s presentation on Haiti sticks in my mind, mud and blood, and half-dead children, with red gauze across their eyes, mothers reaching out for their dead children, crying. Grandmothers and fathers stretching their arms out to pray while tears are flowing down their cheeks. I also dream about evil rats, dorm rooms and multiplying green and black snakes. Nothing is too silly to taunt me.

Every two hours I rise from my bed to try to shake the demons away but they will not go, they stick to me like honey and  burrs and laugh when I try to shake them off. I am so tired that I try to stay awake during the day but sometimes I cannot.  I don’t  feel well physically, my stomach hurts, my body aches, my energy is at an all time low. I think about going back to the guru Dr. in the city and I feel like I am a failure.  My body is slow but my mind is racing, on over- drive. I cannot adjust the two to be synchronized. I wish I could. My legs are jumpy and my body cold, I trek to the bathroom back and forth as if I was pacing for a baby to be born, except there is no joy.

I have tried everything from deep breathing, telling myself an imaginary story, drugs, walking around, having a cookie,  but nothing seems to work.   I lie in bed awake and tense, I try to pull my fluffy pink blanket close by just to finger its texture but that doesn’t work either. I find myself turning over and over, asking myself questions that I don’t know the answer to. I am too tired to go downstairs and watch TV and our house is too small for me to wander around without waking someone up. For the first time in a long time, along with these physical maladies is fear; and I don’t know where that is coming from.

I am not even sure of what I am afraid of. If I knew, I could sort it out and try to solve it. Except I am afraid that this pattern will continue and my lack of sleep will only ravage me further.  I tried to sleep with the moon on my face last night but that gave me no sense of comfort either. I think I am going backwards in my physical health and that in itself is a nightmare.

I write now with a cup of coffee that I gulped down, fast enough that I don’t remember the flavor or the taste. I need to write but nothing comes to mind. Nothing but the puzzle pieces of my brain that are not fitting together. I ask for help in my silent plea to my deceased father  but nothing comes and then I am left with pure longing. I cringe because I am forgetting what my father’s voice used to sound like and that makes me terribly unhappy and lost.

I am feeling a bit disoriented. Where is my peace? Why can’t I find my gratitude guide? Why is everything scary and troubling and unlike the nightmares, I am wide awake enough to continue to feel these emotions. I am scared of nothing and everything, I feel sad and anxious and confused. I want to destroy these night-time monsters but they are indestructible. I am not Max of the Wild Things, I cannot make these evenings an adventure. they are in control of me and I surrender because I have no strength left to fight. I try to talk to myself but I cannot listen.