Overeating, Not So Anonymously

 

A STREAM OF BAD THINGS, HEARING ABOUT A WOMAN ATTEMPTING TO HURT HER CAT, A CHILD SCREAMING AND COULDN'T TRACE THE SOUND... AND EATING WAY TOO MUCH  FOOD, ICE CREAM, COOKIES AND CANDY. NOT MONITORING MY EATING AND EATING EMOTIONALLY.....UH OH.

The fact that I am ( trying to) stop my out of control eating tomorrow does not make me feel better tonight. In fact it makes me feel worse because no matter what I look like or how much I weigh, I will always be that chubby girl who hated going shopping, out of pure dread and embarrassment, with my mother years ago.( still hate going shopping.) I can't even put together an outfit. It's been jeans and tee shirts and sneakers for the last 50 years or so. I can clean up nicely when I have to but then I am in excruciating pain having no shoes that are comfortable for more than three minutes. My new glasses are absolutely adorable, I cut my hair and I'm in pretty good shape (such a big fat lie) but for the last week I'm eating way too much.

Those same old symptoms are rearing their ugly monster heads like those green goober monsters in the cold decongestant commercials. Not just a “want” for food but a “need” to eat. It isn’t pretty.

It’s sugar, yes, pizza too, but deep-fried mozzarella sticks?

These looked especially delightful and my daughter did ask for me to help her eat them? How could I say no? That’s my point. In the past, I could have said “No thanks” very easily but yesterday, the breading was not just bread crumbs it had texture far more refined than even panko bread crumbs. Little bumps, a crispy and soft combination of thick breading with an ample amount of melting mozzarella cheese inside and a delicious tomato sauce to dip in.

I could have refused. I didn’t.

We all know that I have to love my dinner on Sundays, that’s a cardinal rule but did I have to love it that much that I needed two or three desserts? A pre-dessert and two or three others? No, no, no.

What is going on here? I hate that my white pants are tight, starting tomorrow I’m exercising and eating only healthy foods. Ugh, true confessions: I forgot to mention the huge home-made jelly doughnut from the local bakery that I ate after the pizza, mozzarella sticks and salad with avocado, craisins, goat cheese and spinach. I live for these jelly doughnuts available (thank goodness) only on Sunday mornings.

I love food way too much. Tonight, the last night of our family being home together, the night before my handsome son leaves to go back to school, we are going out for Chinese food which is basically mostly vegetables and rice. Right? I like to fool myself as much as possible. Except that after watching one of the food shows with my husband we saw  a freshly made egg roll glistening on the television screen. I HAD to have it. For all the things I forget, this morsel was fresh in my mind.

I must have a little more control (tomorrow) to end this eating madness. I know I have no control over anything else in my life now, and I can’t change that so this IS one thing I can control. Eating healthier and getting more exercise???? I’m going to work on THAT NEXT.

 

PS I am not a fan of dark chocolate, I prefer milk chocolate so if I have a square or two of dark chocolate it is purely medicinal. That doesn’t count as dessert.
***Next day: I made it through the day without dessert which for me is a miracle. I am not starving myself at all, I am eating healthy foods and trying to drink more water. Eating smaller portions and eating sensibly is the way to do it. I hope I can do it for a week but I’m proud of just one day,
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Plinky Prompt: Would You Ever Take A Cruise?

  • Cruisin’
  • “The Love Boat”
    DSC01216, Midnight Buffet, Celebrity Cruise Ship Century I have taken a cruise and yes, I would go again. If you are on a cruise it really doesn’t matter what the destination is, it’s the journey there and back that truly counts. I’m not sure I would do it again for a long time. Cruises, known for their gastronomical, orgasmic and plentiful meals are both aphrodisiacs and toxic for people like me. I’m not sure I could resist overeating and gluttony on a cruise (let’s face it: no way) and lately I have been eating healthy foods. That said, I think everyone should go on a cruise once. Being out on the water, is so peaceful, I can’t think of anything better than watching the waves from your deck chair in the sun. Take advantage of the shows that the cruise offers too, they are often very entertaining.
    As long as I am still able to travel and fly, I would like to go to another country and explore it instead of cruising to a destination for a few hours, shopping at a local tourist shop and heading back. Cruises can be magical, the midnight buffets with the ornate ice sculptures are overwhelmingly beautiful; everyone should experience that, at least once.

“Because I Am”

Black balloons

Image by stvno via Flickr

Tonight I am having a pity party for one; I am the guest of honor. You are welcome to join me but motivational speeches and happy clichés are not allowed. I’ve learned that the sun will probably not come out tomorrow, it will be cold, dark and windy just like the last few weeks. Some of my friends with chronic illnesses seem to be feeling the same way: Is it the weather?  Seasonal Affective Disorder? Pain and unhappiness? Other friends that don’t have chronic illnesses are also fed up and feeling down. I’m wallowing in self-pity and I am allowing myself to do so. Wallowing and venting are the main attractions in my self-imposed symposium.

1) Both my husband and I have been very discouraged because of the job market; he has been unemployed for a long time. He is always the best candidate, the one they love, the one they want. We get excited, euphoric even, and then the final news hits us like a tsunami: “We would love to have him but there is no funding approved for this job now” or “There’s a hiring freeze that just  started.” We plummet, like rapidly deflating black balloons.

2) I need to protect myself from future painful disappointments. While, in the past, I have tried to feel positive and hopeful,  I am now keeping my defenses up because it is too damn painful to feel excited and then let down over and over again.I am tired of feeling bad and blue and not having anything to look forward to. Yes, I have tried to be positive, I count my blessings and I list the things that I am grateful for: nothing works. A good friend of mine told me she was depressed last week and I asked her “why?”  “Because I am” she said. I now understand that completely.

4) Physically, I have no energy. I’ve been over-eating and sleeping way too much these past two weeks. I’m trying to sleep straight through to May but the chances of that are pretty slim. I stopped taking the autoimmune drug that was helping my energy level because it made my legs ache continuously and I wanted to rid myself of extra pain. This is what happens when I try to rid myself of drugs and toxins in my body. I end up asleep. I made the wrong decision.

5) The holiday season is not joyful for me. After my father died, the holiday spirit died with him. We go through the motions for the children. I’ve accepted this but each year after his birthday in November things start to go downhill fast, straight through to New Year’s Eve, the night he passed away. Why can’t I prepare myself? Why is it only familiar when it is happening again? Think of it as a long, a really long extended period of situational depression.

6) I’m having a default Thanksgiving in my house this year. My mom broke her wrist and I just couldn’t let her have it in her house. She is also depressed because of her broken bone and pain and having to be dependent on others, this affects me too. I feel bad for her. I can’t begin to talk about my self-involved sister, there is too much to say and at the same time, nothing to say. Thanksgiving is in one week, I have nothing prepared and I am both overwhelmed and underwhelmed.  I will rally for the holidays because I have to; it’s a necessity not a choice.

Let me tell you directly what I want:  Accept how I feel and allow me to have the emotions I do have. Don’t analyze, debate or criticize me. Try active listening. Help out during Thanksgiving and be kind to one another. I would truly be grateful if you could do just that.

Nooooooooooo

I did it. I admit it. I swore I wouldn’t. Lasted 3 days. I broke down. It’s the after Halloween candy bowl, left over from the kids. My daughter had lovingly slipped a package of Whoppers in my night stand table and I looked at her lovingly,  yet knowing my own strong will. My own strong will NOT. I know you are supposed to think about what you eat and why and what for and how come but it just snuck up on me. Ok, damn it, I wanted chocolate. And, it was a small sample pack. 3 measly whoppers but had there been more…….I know I could not have stopped. Even thought I have a torn ligament, I snuck down the stairs, for food because for the first time in a few days I was absolutely starving. I wanted to be a vegetarian so badly, but what could I do when my sister brought half a sub over to my house with love written all over it, and delicately sliced turkey and cheddar and mayo and lettuce on an extremely sesame filled sub. That started my down fall. Ah the slippery slope of food, and then while i was obsessing over whether or not I should have the platelet rich plasma needle stuck in my foot with a big long needle, by Dr. Voldemart (not his real name) I some how ended up downstairs AGAIN  finding my way to pasta, cheese sauce and broccoli. The key ingredient by the way was not the broccoli and I can’t even spell the damn vegetable.  I’m still hungry, I am taking deep breaths but if I were alone, there would be a pizza at my doorstep along with a (calcium rich) chocolate milk shake. Where did cool and collected Me go? Me? the one who was going to be a vegetarian (failed) eat only healthy food (failed) and drink lots of water (failed). So what’s bothering me? I think it’s me.