Paula Deen, My Oh My !

paula deen cake (Photo credit: bunchofpants)

I surprise myself sometimes. Or maybe I just confuse myself. WHY have I not written about Mrs. Deen yet? Did I forget about her?  Or have I just been consumed reading and watching all the media about her that I forgot to write my own article?. Forgive me. That seems to be the only reason that could explain my lack of posting about dear Paula.  Well, that is over so here we are with Mrs. Deen, I get the impression she would not love being called Ms. Deen. Right, y’all?

I have to admit I’ve had my eye on Paula Deen ever since we found out that she had Diabetes (I call it the Diabetes Deception) and was still serving up her fat ridden, butter ladled, sugar filled, cream covered, artery blocking meals. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that once she had been found out she just happened to become a spokesperson for a drug company associated with a Diabetes drug? Not gonna lie, I thought it was, excuse the pun, cheesy. I didn’t like it then and I still don’t like it now but who knew that was just the tip of the little ol iceberg, right Paula honey?

Now, I’m not saying you are guilty of allegedly saying incredibly racist/ homophobic (or was that your brother?) language , oh wait, YOU ARE GUILTY you admitted this on tape, under oath, I’m sorry. (I’m just waiting for anti-semitic comments to come in any moment) Should I alert the United Jewish Agency? I’m keeping my opinion out of this because, that’s what I think I should do. Oh hell, when have I ever done that before? I’m not Barbara Walters here, there’s journalism and then there’s me, Pop Cop. I dish. (pun intended.)

A lot has happened in less than a week, hasn’t it? Paula’s empire has gone down, way down. She apparently, allegedly, used despicable words and admitted to them, ON TAPE. What was she thinking, not about admitting to them but about using those words and don’t give me this crap about you being Southern and old-fashioned. Please. Nothing gives you the right to degrade anyone.. Really, Paula get a grip. Oh, wait, too late.

So, a bunch of your sponsors have dropped you. Food Network, Target, Home Depot, your new book deal and your pharmaceutical firm, and plenty more. Last I heard there were 12 sponsors all together who dropped you like a double butter and sour cream hot potato. All I have to say is: Good. And yes, a bunch of your fans have supported you and that’s good for you because what else do you have? Now, I heard that the diabetes company has thrown you out on your bottom and does not want you to be their spokesperson anymore. Ouch. Even I feel bad for you and that does say something.

Paula, I watched your show a few times, just watching your show I felt the pounds adhering to my thighs and butt. Sure, fried anything is great for a treat once a year, and I love cake but other than my birthday I don’t go around making cream filled, butter based, artery clogging delicacies all the time and I am known for my sweet tooth. Sure, a little here and there is fine, everyone knows about moderation.Well, most of us do. But, if I was diagnosed with Diabetes, would I still flaunt these high fat, high sugary, high cholesterol foods? Of course not, that’s not only lying it’s deception.

Take a break, Paula. A long one. You better decide it is what you want because at this point people have already decided for you. Think about your ways, Paula Deen and how you treat people. Treat ALL people with respect, maybe then you will have a fighting chance. But, for now, I doubt it.

If I Had My Own Restaurant

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Cozy, Fun, GREAT FOOD

My restaurant would be called EATS, in big, bold black letters. It would represent the type of restaurant I want to own: Simple, tasty and delicious meals in both small size portions and large portions, even half size portions, all through the day and evening. Diners would be able to mix and match and not have to order a huge portion and then leave leftovers that could feed a family of four for a week. I don’t like being served huge mountains of food; you would get exactly what you want: a filling meal but not a mountain of food. I get turned off when I get served a pasta dish that is so large it is overwhelming, it looks unappetizing and it is wasteful. All untouched leftover food would be connected with local food banks, that would be my personal commitment.

I would have breakfast, lunch and dinner items available all the time. It would be like a diner in terms of menu items and variety but not in terms of style. I want EATS to be cozy and playful; nobody would rush you and I can guarantee you, the food would be fresh and the coffee would be strong. There would always be an ornamental item on every table, sometimes a few twigs in a small silver vase, another time yellow rubber ducklings or miniature pink bud roses, or replicas of small, smiling cows. It would be casual, fun, delicious:  combination sandwiches (I’m drooling) and of course, a huge selection, of home made desserts. Desserts are important to me so there would be home-made chocolate cake with fudge icing, vanilla coconut cake (I’m a vanilla girl) apple/cherry/blueberry crisp, baklava (oh, honey!!!) and rice pudding with raisins. Carrot cake and cheese cake with various toppings would be available too. Stop in, it’s almost open….well, in my dreams, that is. Giada, Paula, Bobby, Chef Ramsey (you are too intimidating for me to call you by your first name) The Donald, Warren Buffet (what a blessing you are to the universe, Sir), Oprah, Rosie….anyone interested in INVESTING?? Please contact me. I guarantee you a great meal. On the house.

Love Food Shows, Hate To Cook: What’s Up With That?

Dear Food Network and Bravo:

Can I consider myself a foodie if I don’t like to cook? In fact, I pretty much hate it. But watching it on television? I’m an addict. I guess the fact that I obsess about food, look forward to it, think about it, crave, it entitles me to be a non-cooking foodie. I think that I may be inspired one day to try real cooking; but not right now. I can get by on cooking meals for my family but it’s the basic stuff. Pasta and home-made cheese sauce (Ok, almost home-made: I confess I use Kraft American slices, individually wrapped.)I also bake the best and the most delicious banana bread in the world (plain, with raisins, chocolate chips or both). I can do a roast and I’m definitely fine with sticking a chicken (with kosher salt and pepper)  and a couple of squeezes of fresh lemon, in the oven. Baked potatoes? Anytime. My new favorite: a well-toasted english muffin with lite cream cheese and slices of tomato and a hint of salt and pepper. My beverage of choice with this? Need you ask? Yoo-Hoo, cold or room temperature.

I need to work for the FOOD NETWORK  OR BRAVO FOOD) station. Anybody here have any connections? I’m very likable, love to eat (although I have to say I might gag if I had to eat some of the things that they make on the show, octopus and goat, I can barely do lamb). But, for a job working, preparing, serving, ANYTHING with food I would (have to) be flexible. Seriously?  I am the most conscientious worker you ever have known. I’m neurotically early so if you wanted me there at 9am, guaranteed you would see my smiling face at 8:45am. Having grown up with a German mom and a Viennese dad, they taught us about punctuality. Being on time, in my family, is being LATE.  When we get together we all are 10-15 minutes early; it’s in our neurotic, eager to please, Jewish blood.

So, Padma, Tom, Bob, Eric?  Dick, Jane, Sally? Bobby, Bob, Paula Deen?  I want to do something I love, other than writing. That thing, is food. I could be a tester, a taster, a candle stick maker, whatever you want. I need a job and Oprah always said “do what you love.” You don’t doubt Oprah, do you? That reminds me, dear Oprah, I need a hook-up, with the Food Network or Bravo, can you help?