An Open Letter To Ellen Degeneres

English: Ellen DeGeneres in 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Ellen, I hope you don’t mind me addressing this to you, I just need someone to listen, someone who cares about other people. I thought you were the right person even though I’m sure you will NEVER see it. That’s okay. With the exception of a few best friends I’ve learned the hard way that other people are too busy in their own lives to care.

I DON’T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU.

I guess I’m trying to think and talk out loud here. I’m lost, and have no idea what happened to me, I have no idea who I am either though I used to know so clearly.

Have I just become a mountain of symptoms trying to blend themselves together in a jig saw puzzle where no piece fits? I’ve made changes, I stay away from negative people, I try to be as kind as possible and pay it forward when I can but still trouble follows me like a black cloud.

Believe me, I am NOT asking for pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity, if I want pity I give it to myself, underneath my three layers of blankets, with the door shut tight, my dog lying next to me on my bed. I don’t want pep talks either, encouraging me that it “is just a phase.” This phase is my life and I have accepted it, I just don’t understand it.  When I try to fight against the “down” period, people tell me not to do that and to be positive. Everything is a mixed message.

You have the natural talent to bring joy to others just by being yourself, I love that.

Right now, I am a huge collection of symptoms that I don’t mind sharing, I’m 57, there are people who are 97 that are healthier than I am. From head to toe: narrow angled glaucoma (eyes) many, MANY painful treatments in my eyes to try to correct that, but its a life long condition, hearing loss (had stapedectomy-operation for ears) the dreaded Eppiglottitis, I don’t wish on my worst enemy, I shiver at the thought, (open, gaping wounds below the throat,) horrific TMJ, shooting pains from my jaw/ear to my brain causing me to scream with agony caused by any random thing and some other facial myalgia the doctors threw at me) which I don’t even count. I have IBS, Fibromyalgia, Fatigue, No energy, Chronic muscle and joint pain, Fibro Fog (not remembering something someone said a minute ago.) General Anxiety Disorder, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (an auto immune disease of the thyroid) foot pain, wait, the most recent one and most deadly,  Kidney Failure, Stage 3? (No one ever told me about Stage one or two) I think I’ll stop here.

Now for the social things, I can’t work because of the above illnesses, my husband was laid off for the second time and still is not working. We have two fabulous children who are attending two different state universities and a dog (our second) I rescued from a shelter.

I want you to know that we ARE thankful for our blessings, we truly are. Writing this down makes me realize that even more.Thank you for listening, sometimes it is good to write it down and look at it on paper.

But, am I jinxed? Is this what they call “going through a rough patch?” Whenever I feel I’ve reached bottom something else happens. Do you only know where the bottom is when you finally start climbing up slowly? Isn’t it possible to stay down here forever?

I guess I just have to accept what is going on now, breathe slowly in and out and believe that something good will happen. Someday.

Please don’t “like” this post. I don’t.

The Taste: Nigella vs. Jacquelyn

Nigella Lawson at a Borders book-signing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Hey Nigella, It’s Me, Jacquelyn!” Okay, it’s not really Jacquelyn, it’s just me, a friendly blogger, but I have to say, that really was one of the most entertaining shows I have watched recently.  Jacquelyn, you go girl. I just wish you had walked off the set sooner, like in the middle of one of Nigella’s obnoxious, wishy-washy lectures, her fluttering fussiness and her anxiety driven non-direction, micro-management. Frankly, if I was in your shoes, I would have left way before you. And, unfortunately I probably would have thrown the beer (I’m assuming it was beer but it could have been water or soda) in her lap or face to get more attention.

Jackie, I really don’t think you were treated kindly at all, Nigella did not have control of the kitchen so you, just walked off stage. Kudos!! The timing was a bit awkward, I admit, but subtlety is often quite wonderful. You kept them guessing alright, that did have a stroke of genius to it. Unfortunately, it made Nigella look like the poor, angelic victim and you a bit of the bad boy but I’m sure there are more people than just me that were rooting for you. Believe me. I would imagine the other judges and contestants were rooting for you too.( Perhaps not in front of the camera.) I don’t think Anthony Bourdain was as horrified as he was portrayed,he was practically doing a high-five with his team. I don’t blame him for one minute.

Nigella, please calm down and learn how to talk with people not at people all the time and stop changing your mind and give your contestants some credit. No? Nigella, you need to relax, take a chill pill, ( and no, I am not going THERE) and have a few lessons with a therapist on how you come across. I’m not doubting your ability to cook, of course not. But do you really think that a show like this is showcasing your full set of positive attributes? Right, I don’t think so either. I’m not judging really, I’m a horrible cook and the only thing I can bake is banana bread. So, you definitely win in THAT category. But, relating to your team? I’ve got that by a mile.

PS I apologize if Jacquelyn’s name is spelled incorrectly.

Orange U Glad TO Meet Me?

Orange julius (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Happy, Happy! Good News! Good News! Even if it is only television news, we take what we can get (with great enthusiasm.) Just today I heard that McDreamy: Derek Shepard and Meredith Gray both signed a new contract for two years on Gray’s Anatomy. This makes me so happy you have no idea. (I know I have no life, that is one thing I “know for sure.”That is from Oprah, originally from Maya Angelou… Oh, Oprah, I could have told you that ending your show to get bigger and “badder” was not a good idea but nope, you didn’t listen to me. What the heck, you have more money than G-d and you don’t have to work. Though I do think you’d feel uneasy, lost, hanging around in your work-out outfits and sneakers and drinking Orange Julius all day. Hope you don’t mind that I put that in because I have craved Orange Julius now for months and can’t seem to find one anywhere. In High School Orange Julius was the new thing. Maybe even Junior High School. G-d I am so OLD.

Speaking of Orange, I just read that the Netflix show (can I call it a show? A series? ) Orange Is The New Black has  finished taping Season 2. That series brought out the worst and best in me and I loved every minute of it. It was scary, edgy, I was freaking out, clutching pillows and sitting on the edge of my seat but could I stop watching it? Hell no. It was like a drug, an addict bingeing on episodes to “Orange Is The New Black ” one after the other.

Anyone out there willing to be in my support group? Frankly, I’m no hero, I’m the one sitting in bed, hand clasped over her mouth and eyes to avoid seeing things I didn’t want to see and weeks later wishing I could forget what I may or may not have seen.  There’s always an out.Plus, I am such a wimp I could only watch it during the day, never late at night. Otherwise, I would get no sleep AT ALL. That said, I can’t wait for Season 2.

Yep, that’s me.

Catherine Zeta Jones And Me (Pop Cop)

Catherine Zeta Jones at the Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year Parade, Cambridge, MA. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I kicked myself in the butt and pushed myself out of bed today, I CAN’T let the icy cold temperatures keep me locked up inside my warm bed everyday. It’s definitely not good for my Fibromyalgia and as I have learned it is definitely not good for my head. I need to have at least one or two things to do a day to get me outside, walking. That was one of the problems over this Thanksgiving weekend, I was inside too much  (all the time) without going outside ONCE. Big mistake but as people with Fibro know it’s a hard rut to get out of, I’m trying to remind myself of how I felt these last few days. Hint: not good.

Today I went to T.J. Maxx to casually look around and while I didn’t find anything to buy I did catch sight of the beautiful Catherine Zeta Jones who truly is gorgeous and incredibly elegant. She seemed very pleasant, just shopping like everyone else and then politely asked a clerk to hold her things while she went to use the lady’s room. Catherine Zeta Jones actually used the bathroom at T. J. Maxx, probably the very same toilet I have peed in. For some reason, that she used the bathroom there really impressed me!

While I am not the type of person to fawn over celebrities it was lovely to see someone so unimpressed with herself. I didn’t see her sticking her tongue out, screaming, wearing skimpy outfits or causing a scene; this woman is beautiful and has what so many others lack: grace, class and elegance. Brava!

Obviously I left her alone and I didn’t even see anyone approach her for an autograph which was so nice to see, people were respectful of her privacy and trust me, there were no papparazzi around. I could imagine all the people in the store surrounding and protecting her, making a circle with Catherine sitting in the middle, to get any papparazzi to leave her alone. She just seems like the type of person you want to protect.

I’m no angel, believe me, if it was Miley Cyrus or some other young person with attitude I would have opened the door for the photographers myself. I get enough attitude from my own teenagers, I don’t need it from “self-made celebrities.” When I came back from my little outing I posted who I had seen on the” Town Moms Board’ that we have and truly people were thrilled. There have been sightings of Catherine Zeta Jones recently and not one person has said she was unfriendly or mean. Not one. She has always been nice, pleasant, not “shmoozy” that could be a made-up word coming from the Yiddish word: to shmooze (talk ) but cordial and polite.

To Catherine, Happy Holidays from hibernationnow and all of us who think you are simply lovely.

PS  It’s nice that Michael Douglas allegedly has come over to make you and the kids pancakes every morning (I read that at the supermarket when I was standing on-line) but only eat them if you WANT THEM. I know you understand. Be strong, go shopping, be happy.

Diagnosis: Anxiety

Anxiety Always (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You know that feeling in your stomach that makes your muscles clench but you don’t have a real stomach ache from eating too much and you don’t have a virus? That’s where anxiety starts for me. I’m literally writing this blog while having an anxiety attack and honestly, it’s not that easy to remain focused. Part of me thinks about throwing up but I’m trying to be calm, trying to breathe until I can’t do this any longer. I know you guys understand. That’s why I love blogging, for the people who read my blog. If you can’t relate to anxiety, I’m sure you can relate to other things I write about, humor, Pop Cop, my love of Food, Chocolate, Pizza (fine, with jam but only if the pizza is too dry) some of the ailments: Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and having the energy of a dying tick. Actually, an ailing tick may have more energy than I do. I forgot a few other ailments like Imbalalnce and such but it’s pathetic enough as it is, I won’t bore you with more details. I bore myself as it is.

My husband and I are (and I hate these words) “empty nesters.” We’re also in the “sandwich generation” another over popular phrase that is used ad nauseum. Basically we are a married couple, we just celebrated twenty-five years of marriage and both our adult children are in college. I have my mom who is still alive and my husband has both parents alive and they still play tennis. Amazing.

Like many people my husband just got laid off from his job a few days ago. That’s stress provoking, people. He works doing computer stuff which is what I basically call it but it’s something like Software Product Development Management. I know nothing about it but if you do or know someone who might be able to help can you please have them get in touch with me?  I’ll send it to him and it would really be an act of incredible kindness, no matter where you live. In any case, I can’t change things, I try not to worry about them and in the end, things will turn out the way they are supposed to turn out.

About a week ago I had the mother of all anxiety attacks when my son turned 21, my husband lost his job and my mother, who was a little sad because all her friends were moving, decided that maybe she should consider moving too. It was a long day and a tough weekend.  We all know I’m not very good at change especially three changes in one day but after 24 hours I was much better. Breathe in, breathe out. Maybe that meditation class was worth the money after all.

I’m trying to do the best that I can, even writing this all down has helped me become last anxious. Having my dog Lexi, literally lying on my legs so I can’t move, her face close to me, makes me happy. From a crazy, wild puppy she has become an affectionate, loving girl dog. She knows that I need to lie down a lot and when I am home, she jumps up on the bed and cuddles with me.

The anxiety has lessened. I know there will be moments of panic but from now on, we have to take it step by step. I give thanks for what we still have. I will try to keep reminding myself of that, whatever happens will happen. Worrying about it won’t do me or anyone else any good. There’s a reason for everything and now we wait.

Paula Deen, My Oh My !

paula deen cake (Photo credit: bunchofpants)

I surprise myself sometimes. Or maybe I just confuse myself. WHY have I not written about Mrs. Deen yet? Did I forget about her?  Or have I just been consumed reading and watching all the media about her that I forgot to write my own article?. Forgive me. That seems to be the only reason that could explain my lack of posting about dear Paula.  Well, that is over so here we are with Mrs. Deen, I get the impression she would not love being called Ms. Deen. Right, y’all?

I have to admit I’ve had my eye on Paula Deen ever since we found out that she had Diabetes (I call it the Diabetes Deception) and was still serving up her fat ridden, butter ladled, sugar filled, cream covered, artery blocking meals. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that once she had been found out she just happened to become a spokesperson for a drug company associated with a Diabetes drug? Not gonna lie, I thought it was, excuse the pun, cheesy. I didn’t like it then and I still don’t like it now but who knew that was just the tip of the little ol iceberg, right Paula honey?

Now, I’m not saying you are guilty of allegedly saying incredibly racist/ homophobic (or was that your brother?) language , oh wait, YOU ARE GUILTY you admitted this on tape, under oath, I’m sorry. (I’m just waiting for anti-semitic comments to come in any moment) Should I alert the United Jewish Agency? I’m keeping my opinion out of this because, that’s what I think I should do. Oh hell, when have I ever done that before? I’m not Barbara Walters here, there’s journalism and then there’s me, Pop Cop. I dish. (pun intended.)

A lot has happened in less than a week, hasn’t it? Paula’s empire has gone down, way down. She apparently, allegedly, used despicable words and admitted to them, ON TAPE. What was she thinking, not about admitting to them but about using those words and don’t give me this crap about you being Southern and old-fashioned. Please. Nothing gives you the right to degrade anyone.. Really, Paula get a grip. Oh, wait, too late.

So, a bunch of your sponsors have dropped you. Food Network, Target, Home Depot, your new book deal and your pharmaceutical firm, and plenty more. Last I heard there were 12 sponsors all together who dropped you like a double butter and sour cream hot potato. All I have to say is: Good. And yes, a bunch of your fans have supported you and that’s good for you because what else do you have? Now, I heard that the diabetes company has thrown you out on your bottom and does not want you to be their spokesperson anymore. Ouch. Even I feel bad for you and that does say something.

Paula, I watched your show a few times, just watching your show I felt the pounds adhering to my thighs and butt. Sure, fried anything is great for a treat once a year, and I love cake but other than my birthday I don’t go around making cream filled, butter based, artery clogging delicacies all the time and I am known for my sweet tooth. Sure, a little here and there is fine, everyone knows about moderation.Well, most of us do. But, if I was diagnosed with Diabetes, would I still flaunt these high fat, high sugary, high cholesterol foods? Of course not, that’s not only lying it’s deception.

Take a break, Paula. A long one. You better decide it is what you want because at this point people have already decided for you. Think about your ways, Paula Deen and how you treat people. Treat ALL people with respect, maybe then you will have a fighting chance. But, for now, I doubt it.

“North West?” Just Hear Me Groan… (Pop Cop)

Well, now I’ve heard it all, yup, that’s right. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their brand new baby girl: wait for it: NORTH. Her name is

144264091 (Photo credit: accidentalpaparazzi)

NORTH WEST. Let me guess, if little North West gets married she can only get married to a guy or a gal  (Yay) whose last name is AIRLINES, ba da ding!  Out of all names possible this is the one that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West came up with. Seriously?  I think the nickname that they picked “Nori” is adorable. Why not just NAME the kid “Nori” and make life simpler for everyone, including your daughter. You know, of course, that North is going to change her name, for sure, once she is of legal age and who can blame her? I swear, I hope she picks something old-fashioned just to annoy her parents, how about Ruth or Elizabeth, Bertha or Helen.

Is anyone else getting sick of these so-called “sell-ebreties” naming their kids all these weird ass kinds of names for attention to be “unique aka weird.”I think Apple was the first piece of fruit to be named and we thought that was outrageous back then. Oh Gwynnie, you old trend setter, you.

Besides, maybe it’s just me but I don’t consider Kim Kardashian a celebrity. Meryl Streep, yes, Kim Kardashian, so not.That’s like comparing Honey BooBoo to Shirley Temple, the child star of my youth. The whole family should leave television and work for a box chain store, maybe Wal-Mart or K-mart without the benefit of hair and make-up, wearing sneakers, not stilettos and roomy uniforms not dresses that are 6 sizes too small for them.

My goodness, Mom Kardashian,I mean Jenner, whatever, go home and start counting your face/body lifts or work for the poor, do something good for the world, hide and do volunteer work. Now you are going to have your own television show? Gosh I am so shocked! (Not) Here’s one viewer that will not tune in. But, then again, I’ve never watched one episode of any Kardashian show. It makes me want to gag. Rumor has it that North West will make an appearance on your show, WOW, what a ratings booster. Want to make a bet it’s going to be on Day One?!

The only Kardashian I think I like is the married Kardashian (I googled-her name, Khloe) who is trying to have a baby (allegedly) and I feel bad for her if it is true. I too, went through infertility for two and a half years and it’s excruciatingly painful both physically and emotionally. Especially when you have two sisters who have children already. Trust me, I know. In the middle of my infertility struggles, my sister had me lie down next to her and go over names she liked for her second child. It was so NOT cool. I just remember trying to keep my act together until we left and then bursting into tears when I saw my mom. She understood.

Well, Nori, you have a cute little nickname, please use it as often as possible. When you start school, nursery school, pre-school make sure they call you Nori. I know I’m getting a little ahead of myself, but all those SAT forms, driver’s ed forms, etc. when they want the LAST NAME FIRST: West, FIRST NAME: NORTH. Wow, just wow. Good luck, sweetheart.

p.s. if you happen to have a sibling…will it be South or East? We’re taking bets already. but, we may not have to worry about that quite yet. It’s Hollywood. Things change…rapidly.

Compass (Photo credit: Shevralay)

Ellen Degeneres: Not For A Million Dollars? (Pop Cop)

English: Ellen DeGeneres in 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Look at that adorable photograph of Ellen Degeneres, she looks like an absolute angel. Her kind, blue eyes, that wide, easy smile. I adore her, I’m a big fan and I used to fantasize sitting in her audience or better yet being on her show. USED TO is the operative phrase here. The problem with just sitting in her audience is that I have a HORRIBLE startle reflex. If I was on the Ellen show and she scared me as she does everyone else, I think I would have a heart attack and die. Before that, I would definitely pee my pants and probably throw up. I’m not kidding. I adore Ellen, I have written articles about Ellen, she seems to be an amazing woman, talented, philanthropic, kind. Wait, did I say kind? She is kind, to other people, to many other people but when it comes to pranks she’s Dennis the Menace. (I’m old people, really old: google it.)

One of my life’s goal was to meet Ellen not just because she is a star, a celebrity but for who she is as a person. However, I may have to retract that because even if I would be invited on her show (think fantasy) I would be terrified about the pranks she might (HA, WOULD) pull. I wish this was a joke but I am dead serious. Sure, I laugh along with everyone else while watching her prank other people but I would be suspicious of her as soon as I landed in Los Angeles (again, think fantasy.)

Would I go on her show knowing my fear of pranks and her love for it? If she said “I will not pull any pranks on you” would I believe it? HELL NO! I do not think she is nasty or mean-spirited, I adore the woman but I have such a startle reflex and LOUD SCREAM that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I would not only embarrass myself but my entire family (although they are used to me frequently screaming or shrieking loudly.)

Ellen, I adore you. I love watching your television show. You have an incredible open and generous heart. That said, I will love you from afar, from my television box, where I can stay, somewhat safe, (wait, should I even trust you with that? and not obsess about how you would startle me and make me scream like a screeching monkey in heat.

Thanks for the laughs, for the joy, for your show. Keep dancing!

Just stay away from me.

Love,

Your fan,

Laurie F.

Hibernationnow.wordpress.com