Slipping Xanax Under My Tongue

English: Xanax 0.25, 0.5 and 1 mg scored tablets

English: Xanax 0.25, 0.5 and 1 mg scored tablets (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There’s a Xanax under my tongue. I’m not proud of it but I’m also not ashamed either. I feel the stirrings of a big anxiety attack about to kick in and I’m trying to head it off at the beginning. I am trying hard to head off having a complete melt down like I had four weeks ago for the same situation so let’s just call this preventive medicine. Preventive psychiatric medicine intervention? That’s a mouthful but I do like the sound of it.

If “my friend,” the always funny and creative blogger, Jennifer Lawson “The Bloggess” can write about Xanax and mental health I sure can too. This isn’t my first posting about anxiety I have plenty of those but in this one I am telling you what I am worried about, out loud in real-time. Maybe that will lessen the anguish, probably it will be just the same. Or maybe I will just worry about worrying. It ‘s anyone’s guess.

There are so many things that are out of my control and they all involve a common theme, as I used to call it “Health and Welfare.” I’m worried about the health of three very important people in my life. Yes, all at the same time. Initially I wrote down who those people are but then I had a funny feeling and I knew that if those people saw this blog they would be mad as heck and I would worry about that too. So, problem solved. These are all my anxieties wrapped up in a tightly knit, wound up ball, the kind you make out of twine, beige, scratchy and unforgiving.

There is an expression in German that my dad used to say and that I have said for years : “nur gesund sein.” Loosely translated, “Just stay healthy, your health is the most important thing.” I really mean it, I’ve never been the type who has needed a wake up call, I’ve been on the edge of that wake up call since I could probably talk. I don’t ever take that for granted but now I’m being tested not with just one thing but many and all at once. I need to rise to the occasion,my fears and worries aside, there is no other choice.

Another thing my dad taught me which frankly is not easy to achieve is staying in Neutral. If we all could do that successfully, we wouldn’t need Xanax or Valium, bags of chocolate or pints of ice cream or whatever your soothing pleasure is. If a cup of tea worked, believe me I’d be sipping it right now. Since I am not sobbing in hysteria, nor am I in ecstatic denial all I can see in my future, tonight, hopefully, is sleep. If I can get that, a good night’s sleep, I will feel that I have accomplished at least a little something.

Those weird protesting people in my stomach are rabble rousing again. They aren’t rioting like they were before, those angry protestors. Now, it’s more like they are marching silently, still carrying signs. But, they are still there, they know it and so do I. I’m truly hoping I can surprise them and wipe them all out before I turn out the lights. Wish me luck. Please.

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Fibro Girl, Grey’s Anatomy And Me

Grey's Anatomy (season 1)

Grey’s Anatomy (season 1) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I think of “Fibro Girl” I imagine a small, spunky superhero with brown hair and round black glasses and a red cape that has a big bold black F on it. I don’t know why I think of her that way but it amuses me. Maybe because it’s such a juxtaposition between her life and mine. She is trying to fight Fibromyalgia with her strength. I have NO strength. When I was FINALLY diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, seven years ago, my strength was taken away.

Our lives with this illness are question marks. It is hard for us to plan ahead. In fact for me, it’s impossible. For people who DON’T have FIBROMYALGIA OR DOUBTERS (seriously? still?)  I am physically unable to commit to a date in the future without the caveat “depends on how I’m feeling.”  People who cannot understand that are not true friends. We didn’t ask for this, we wish we didn’t have it. Believe us.

My current experience with Fibromyalgia is that I am able to do one errand per day, MAYBE two. If I push my limit I’m wiped out and pay for it later with exhaustion/ pain. At the moment I am not suffering as much physical pain as I had in the past. (see past Fibromyalgia posts) There’s always some pain but I have learned to accept and manage that pain because of a great doctor and the right combination of Fibro drugs. Now, doctors are worried about a new “balance issue” which has nothing to do with Fibromyalgia.  More tests, a pink cane….I can’t walk a straight line, two perfect CAT scans. Can we stop now? No.

Fibromyalgia takes control over us. I’m embarrassed to say that I never thought about it that way. Amazing how our lives change so quickly. If stress is indeed a factor, I’m in deep trouble. My husband got laid off 2 days ago. I can’t work even though I want to and we need the money but it’s not possible. It doesn’t seem right to punish us for something we physically cannot do. Not right at all.

We don’t live in a perfect world, although I really do know people who live a charmed life in every aspect of their lives. Lucky them, maybe they have dark secrets but I doubt it. All I want is a break in having to struggle every single day with some new illness or symptom. The umbrella of Fibromyalagia has so many illnesses underneath it I go to the doctor(s) way too much.

Right now, with the weather is getting colder. I always feel worse when it is cold outside. Then, a good time for me is staying in bed with my dog lying next to me, watching Grey’s Anatomy, Parenthood or The Voice. The television has become my life line. That and this computer connecting me to friends with Fibro and without. We do the best we can with what we have. Minute by minute, day by day. We’re in it together, holding hands, on-line and off.

Eppiglottitis: Dear Innocent Souls, YES, You Can Get It Again. (I Should Know) 4/2013

English: Title: Torture Chamber of the Inquisi...

English: Title: Torture Chamber of the Inquisition. From ‘A Complete History of the Inquisition’, Westminster, London 1736 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The plight of those of us who have suffered from Eppiglottitis, an illnesses/virus/ torture/infection has gotten way with too much pain already and NOT just in the United States. People from many countries around the world share the pain. I know that for sure. There are searches for Epiglottitis on my blog, always. Today there was a search, from some poor, innocent soul who asked: “Eppiglottitis, is it possible to get it twice?” Oh, dear one, I just want to give you a great big hug and plant gentle kisses on the top of your sweet, innocent head.

Yes, you can get it again. In my blog I have written about the two times I had Eppiglottitis and how I wanted to beg, borrow or steal major pain killers from hospitals, doctors or become a gangster and hang out in the streets to score illegal drugs (okay not really ). People really do not understand the amount of pain that this  illness brings and frankly, unless your ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat, Doctor) has had it, they don’t know a thing about how painful it is either. Not for one second. The only people who know are the people who have had it or are going through it now. Do I smell the beginning of a support group?

What does it feel like? It’s like taking a scalding steak knife and searing your huge, ugly, raw open wound, repeatedly (obviously with no anaesthesia) over and over again. It is impossible to swallow because the pain is so excruciating but really what choice do we have? The last time I had it I was on a cocktail of medicines, steroids, a throat rinse, antibiotics and whatever else they threw at me but what I needed was a morphine drip and a sleeping medicine that lasted a solid week. I wish.

When I couldn’t stand the pain anymore I dragged my body to the medical group, to the ENT offices before they opened and BEGGED for someone to see me. I was in so much pain that I was crying and I looked like all hell, pale, distraught, helpless and hopeless. This is not something I would normally ever do. I was so grateful that they let me go sit in the office chair, who knows, maybe they were afraid of me. I WAS afraid of me. When the doctor came in, he scoped me, which requires putting a tiny tube through your nose to see beyond your throat. He literally gasped and said “How the hell did you get THAT?” I was not in the mood for rhetorical questions nor was I feeling combative. I just wanted him to tell me how on earth to get rid of this demon that had taken up residence in my body.

Apparently it’s not common to get and very difficult to get rid of, I live in fear of getting it again and I assure you, every Fall I think about it when the weather turns chilly although I am sure I could get it at anytime. Another doctor suggested that if I get it again to go see an Infectious Disease Doctor in addition to my ENT. Great, that’s what we need, to waste more time in doctor’s offices waiting to be treated. I’d rather check into Rehab so I could become a drug addict for pain relief until it healed.

I’m here for support, questions and comments. I am not a medical doctor, no, I’m better. I’m a patient who knows exactly what you are going through. Ask away or just complain, it’s not anything I haven’t complained about already.