Boomers Getting Older REPOST

It won’t be long now, you know that, right? it’s just about time to go, maybe not now but we have starting thinking about it. Soon enough to leave the town where my children grew up, where we still currently live. Not quite yet but I have a feeling that this will be one of our last Winters here, maybe one more. I think that will make me hate the winter less, knowing it’s one of the last ones.

That doesn’t mean I will live in a warmer climate but it will mean I will live somewhere else, maybe by the coast, so at least the Summer will be enticing instead of just making me jealous. And, of course, I will be sentimental about this little yellow house packed full of sentiment and nostalgia. I will slowly be going through clothes and junk as I have started doing to save, donate or toss. I admit, I’m not doing very well. I’m going to blame the beautiful weather instead of my own reluctance to part with things.

Now, I’m in our town’s farmer’s market, on a not too hot Saturday, literally a perfect day.

We don’t get many of these days, maybe two or three for the season.Tomatoes, lush and orange seem to be bursting out of their skins; piled up high in clumsy green cardboard boxes, smiling in the sun, beckoning us to buy them. Perky blueberries giggling together, plums and carrots, I can’t resist their beguiling charm.

A young couple sits near me their little boy wearing a bright red shirt, blue overalls and mismatched shoes, his stuffed animal, a silver shark is thrown in the air for him and other children to catch and throw, again and again with endless energy. Their youngest boy decides he doesn’t want to play anymore, listens closely to the band and starts dancing on his own. It is thrilling to watch his complete and utter joy.This child, will go far, I think.

I ran into an old friend while listening to the wonderful local folk band singing old favorites. Could this really be one of my last summers here.? I have no real answer. I do know one thing, we cannot afford to live here much longer. That is the hard truth. Feeling a little sentimental but it also feels that it will be the right time to go and the right thing to do. Preparing to move, not now but perhaps in the Spring. Where to? I have no idea but this is my gut feeling. I’m no longer sobbing or fear stricken, I went through those stages. I need for the opportunity to present itself, I hope we’ll know what the right answer will be.  I’m ready, our children are adults and It’s time to think about leaving and trying something new. I don’t feel conflicted anymore, it feels right, if only we knew where my husband would be working our lives would be so much easier.

It is time to go, funny how the Farmer’s Market lets me see it in a non-threatening and non-fearful way. We had our time in the sun when our children were three and five. Now they are adults, our son applying to medical schools, our daughter, a junior, wants to spend a summer in Spain and then study to be a lawyer.

We are older now, but not too old yet being among the young couples, we do not fit in anymore. Finally, it feels good. I struggled with this for many a month but now it feels right to entertain the thought of moving to a different place, living near water which is essential for me. It’s time for us to step aside. We will begin a new chapter of our lives feeling grateful for what we had in the past. I know, it won’t be easy, I will leave part of our souls here but change is good, it can be very good.That’s what I hope for, for my husband and me.

New times, new decisions, my voice will be heard. In the last twenty years, I have learned a lot, I’m a strong woman now. It’s my turn.

Diagnosis: Anxiety

Anxiety Always

Anxiety Always (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You know that feeling in your stomach that makes your muscles clench but you don’t have a real stomach ache from eating too much and you don’t have a virus? That’s where anxiety starts for me. I’m literally writing this blog while having an anxiety attack and honestly, it’s not that easy to remain focused. Part of me thinks about throwing up but I’m trying to be calm, trying to breathe until I can’t do this any longer. I know you guys understand. That’s why I love blogging, for the people who read my blog. If you can’t relate to anxiety, I’m sure you can relate to other things I write about, humor, Pop Cop, my love of Food, Chocolate, Pizza (fine, with jam but only if the pizza is too dry) some of the ailments: Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and having the energy of a dying tick. Actually, an ailing tick may have more energy than I do. I forgot a few other ailments like Imbalalnce and such but it’s pathetic enough as it is, I won’t bore you with more details. I bore myself as it is.

My husband and I are (and I hate these words) “empty nesters.” We’re also in the “sandwich generation” another over popular phrase that is used ad nauseum. Basically we are a married couple, we just celebrated twenty-five years of marriage and both our adult children are in college. I have my mom who is still alive and my husband has both parents alive and they still play tennis. Amazing.

Like many people my husband just got laid off from his job a few days ago. That’s stress provoking, people. He works doing computer stuff which is what I basically call it but it’s something like Software Product Development Management. I know nothing about it but if you do or know someone who might be able to help can you please have them get in touch with me?  I’ll send it to him and it would really be an act of incredible kindness, no matter where you live. In any case, I can’t change things, I try not to worry about them and in the end, things will turn out the way they are supposed to turn out.

About a week ago I had the mother of all anxiety attacks when my son turned 21, my husband lost his job and my mother, who was a little sad because all her friends were moving, decided that maybe she should consider moving too. It was a long day and a tough weekend.  We all know I’m not very good at change especially three changes in one day but after 24 hours I was much better. Breathe in, breathe out. Maybe that meditation class was worth the money after all.

I’m trying to do the best that I can, even writing this all down has helped me become last anxious. Having my dog Lexi, literally lying on my legs so I can’t move, her face close to me, makes me happy. From a crazy, wild puppy she has become an affectionate, loving girl dog. She knows that I need to lie down a lot and when I am home, she jumps up on the bed and cuddles with me.

The anxiety has lessened. I know there will be moments of panic but from now on, we have to take it step by step. I give thanks for what we still have. I will try to keep reminding myself of that, whatever happens will happen. Worrying about it won’t do me or anyone else any good. There’s a reason for everything and now we wait.