Once I wake up (and luckily not to a jarring alarm clock) I get out of bed, gingerly, checking out my various aches and pains and I hear my dog’s thumping tail so I go to greet her. Before I even start my ritual of a very strong cup of coffee, I sit on the green couch, and she pulls herself into my lap and I hug and kiss her. I know the exact way she likes to be stroked, she shows me where and when, she nuzzles against me. I let her out, feed her, rinse out her slimy blue water bowl and refill with fresh, cold water. It’s only after that, which is true love, that I put water in the tea kettle, put a #4 Melitta filter in my old, cracked plastic, brown coffee cone and use three heavy-handed scoops of strong, espresso coffee mixed with a dark roast. A large serving of fat- free half and half, one or two Truvia, (or Purevia) depending on the strength and wait anxiously for the tea kettle to screech. I like to have my coffee alone so I can gather my thoughts and plan for the day. I listen to the cardinals tweet outside at my bird feeder and watch the yellow finches eat breakfast. There is no better way to start my day.
I need help and advice. I get caught up sometimes in the thousands of minute details and decisions that need to be made in a day. I realized this morning, before I was actually awake, that I hadn’t printed permission slips for both my children, didn’t unload the dishwasher from yesterday, read the mail, finish the laundry, go shopping and…… I did realize that after looking for socks in two different stores I wound up buying one of each in both stores; I now have socks that will probably last until 2019. This is not working for me. I need to focus.
It could be that my life is too busy this time of year, I am not great at organizing and I forget half the things I should remember. I could blame it on my Fibromyalgia and Fibro-Fog but I am sure I could help myself in some way. I need my writing pad to remind myself of all the things I need to do and my red pen to cross them off, one by one, but I get too preoccupied to find my notepad and don’t want to waste the time to find it.
Does that make sense to you?
I’ve told myself for years that I should meditate,” should” being the operative word. I haven’t done it yet; I say I don’t have the time but that’s plain ridiculous. I should be able to be seated in a quiet place for twenty minutes every morning and every night and breathe deeply, to center my soul. Why is it that I can’t or won’t do that? Sometimes I am in such a great rush that I forget to breathe.
For now, I need to remind myself to stay in the present, to not worry about things I have no control over, to take it slowly and not flip out about terrorist attacks and subway and train plots, earthquakes, terrorism, tsunami’s, cancer and all other life-threatening diseases. I need to stay in the moment and move those bad, anxiety provoking and terrifying thoughts away, like swatting at mosquitoes. Swatting away a bug comes naturally, changing my thoughts does not. I want to form a new habit, focusing on the good, on the present and nothing else. Oprah said that “weight loss was her nemesis” and I am not repeating it to be mean at all. Going into panic mode is my nemesis, my downfall, this is the one thing I have trouble changing.
Which brings me back to meditating, I think it might help. Here’s my question: can I just do it? Do I need to be taught? There are meditation courses but is that worth it? Does anyone out there meditate and find it useful? Please let me know, I would love to hear your thoughts and advice. Namaste.