Orange Is The New Black, Netflix

Orange Is The New Black (Photo credits: Giphy)

Dan-Dee-Lion

I will never, ever say the word dandelion in the same way again. Ever. In fact, even if I pronounced dandelion normally, I’m afraid I won’t picture the wispy flowering weed, the one children blow on to make a wish come true. No, that has been replaced by a character on a show called Orange Is The New Black, it’s the nickname for one of the show’s main character, said by an amazing actress that has “crazy eyes.”

When it comes to seeing movies or watching television shows the closest I have ever come to “scary” is Gray’s Anatomy. It’s really not that scary because we all know everything works out at the end. I will see depressing movies because afterwards I will feel relief that my life is so much better than what I saw but anything with a hint of mystery, suspense, thriller, scares me off like a shy pussy cat.

For some strange, unknown reason I have become totally obsessed with the Neflix series “Orange Is The New Black.” I had never heard of it until I watched The Golden Globes and I think it won an award for something. Why I decided to check this out, I have no idea but I watched the first episode, scary as hell (for me) and I’ve been watching ever since.

I’m still watching Season 1, episode 12 where a dead rat, I rate rodents in any form, ( inside my head I am chanting, this is fake, this is fake, this is fake ) but still, the fast moving element of shock, which is NOT good for someone with a startle reflex is, not one I enjoy. Ever.  I scream aloud. That said, this series is all about scary surprises, and revolting images and it goes at a very quick pace. If you are planning to watch the show don’t read the next line because I’m going to describe three scenes where I almost barfed but you may want to see the drama. 1) A very mean guy, prominent in the show urinates into this huge tub of gravy, 2) a woman with crazy eyes pees on the floor of a woman she is infatuated with AND her meticulous roommate  3) someone is handed a blood soaked tampon as a sandwich. Had enough? You would think I would have too yet I kept watching.

Trust me, no one is more surprised than me. There is romance, mystery, gay and hetero love/sex/ relationships, betrayal and it changes every minute. I think that’s why I love/hate this series, It keeps you guessing and it pushes me WAY out of my comfort zone. Basically, over the edge of my comfort zone on a high cliff and tumbling into a black abyss.

I keep on jumping and shrieking again and again.  I’m actually proud of myself for doing this,  sticking this out, both pain and pleasure. It may not be bungee jumping but for me, it’s a step.  Having said that maybe I will be open to Weeds or another edgy series. I’ve started with one, I may never go back to plain, vanilla, sweet and comforting, television, you never know. Right now, it would feel like a vacation.

Photo credit, Giphy

Free Write Friday, Kellie Elmore. ” I Fear The Night…”

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

“I fear the night

I fear the dark

I need this light

this special spark”

After my parents have tucked me in, kissed my forehead and said good-night I make them leave my door open a crack so I can still see the light. I know when they go to sleep, they turn it off. Those scary images outside my window start coming inside to my room. Every. Single Time. I am scared of the dark and when the evil ghost, witches and monsters start coming inside my room, I feel like I am going to throw up.

Long, pointy black brittle fingers from the mean witch come straight at my eyes, I try closing my eyes but they stay open. Hairy, big, green and brown monsters attack my head and as soon as I feel them clutching my head, I shake them off, but they come right back like super glue. It’s like a clamp, getting tighter and tighter until the pain is unbearable. I start screaming for help but no words come out of my mouth.

I stay frozen in fear unable to move my arms or legs. Now, every part of my body feels like concrete.  I just want to be safe but there is a twin sister witch in the corner hovering over me with her nasty broom and she is roaring, deep, dark sounds, telling me “she will never let me get up”. I try to look for any possible escape and see a corner of a window but I know my body can’t move. The witch sees my eyes look over the tiny bit that I can and out of the window comes hot boiling cauldrons of scalding black and red oil flowing into the room. Anyone that touches that would get burned and eaten alive. The witch sisters scream with laughter.

They. Know. My. Name. Now, I know that they really ARE meant to torture just me. “BENJAMIN” they boom and my heart beats so fast it feels like it is going to jump out of my body and sure enough there is an evil gnome with no eyes and nose right next to my body with his hand outstretched as if to take my heart any second. It makes my heart beat even faster and it hurts. I start not being able to breathe…until, until… I am being gently woken up and my room has its lights on again. I see my mommy but I am mad at her, “where were you before when I needed you?” My mom is trying to tell me “It was a nightmare.” For a minute I don’t understand, everything was so real. I try to explain but soon as she continues to hug me and not let go the images fade away and finally I am relaxing and I try not to cry with relief.

Mommy says “that’s the last scary movie you will ever be allowed to see” and for a moment I pretend to be mad but secretly, I am so relieved.  My mom’s arms are still around me, and before I can even ask she says “I’m not going anywhere, buddy, I’m staying right here until long after you fall asleep.”

AScared child (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

all photo credit

goes to the very talented @Doug88888.

My Favorite Scary Movie

Not For Me

Disney Jeu D’atout Ducale- Bambi

I HATE scary movies or basically anything scary at all. I don’t watch scary movies and I certainly don’t pay money to be terrified and pee my pants. There’s nothing thrilling about it for me. I feel the same way about roller coasters although I have been coerced to try them. Not anymore. The only thrill I get from going on a roller coaster or potentially watching a scary movie is when it is over and I can jump out of my seat and get the heck out of there. The only scary movie I can count (and depressing too) is Bambi. I don’t think that it’s child-appropriate. Poor Bambi’s mother, I can still hear the gun shot blast in my head. Give me Mary Poppins any day!!

9 And A Half Minutes, Episode 1

Image by sugu via Flickr

Tick Tock, Tick Tock. Welcome to another edition of 9 and a half minutes. A place where I mention the things that annoy me. First up: SPAM. If you are going to send out this trash can’t you make the effort to spell “dear” CORRECTLY? It’s always misspelled and it’s in all  lower case letters :”hello deaer.” This bugs me. Not to mention that I get hundreds of junk mail every day and yes, I do, have a SPAM filter.  I am OCD about the amount the junk mail that I get so I need to check it and delete it frequently. It’s supposed to automatically delete in one month but that never happens. Every day I get the following suggestions: “buy drugs, enlargge your penis, veagra for womens, congradulations deaer, autimatic lottery winner”….just stop sending us this junk. Here’s my suggestion: ” go away, get losted, please, hun.”

Another thing that’s irritating is the call you get on a Sunday night from your favorite hairdresser, the one you found after years and years of searching. The one you trust implicitly. You finally find her and sure enough, one day you get “the call.” You know what it’s about, the minute you get the message “It’s Linda, from Tresses” on the phone. Deep in our hearts, women everywhere  know that the only reason your hairdresser is calling you at home at night is because she has fled her old job, stolen your chart and is working somewhere else. My dilemna: I love the way she does my hair but she has joined a salon that I fervently despise. It’s not the end of the world and yes, a mere annoyance but these things add up.

It has been a horrific couple of years and many of us are suffering the consequences of a bad economy. The idea of a vacation used to give me something to dream about, to look forward to. Key word: USED TO, past tense.  Even though it may not be financially feasible, it was something to dream and fantasize about.  Thinking about flying someplace warm in the middle of winter or early spring used to make me so happy, an inside secret I tucked away in my heart. Now? Thinking about flying makes me anxious, another mood elevator crashes to the ground (no pun intended.) With the media screaming about terror alerts and bomb threats, who wants to fly now?  Flying used to be fun, an exciting adventure. Now, you wait in very long lines, several times over, experience huge delays, body checks, shoe checks and most importantly, basic primal fear, anxiety and paranoia. I’d have to think it over for a long time before I would fly again and then, I would literally have to be sedated. Where’s the joy in that?

What is there to look forward to now? The economy stinks, the unemployment rate is ridiculously high and everyone seems to have less money or no money at all (with the exception of perhaps the super-rich which is even more annoying.)  The world, as we know it now, is a scary place. I know things take time but even I am losing patience. The country needs some good news, some great news. We need something, anything to feel good about our lives; I don’t care what it is. Give us a glimmer of hope, a tidbit, a really solid fantasy.

It’s the first week in November and we had sleet, snow and a power outage for six hours the other day. At this point, I’d even welcome some global warming: as in the warming up the country variety. If you hadn’t guessed it before the other thing I despise with a passion is winter. I would love to sleep straight through to spring. It’s cold and dark, scary and we all get sick; especially for those of us with chronic illnesses and pain. I know life is not perfect, believe me, I know. I also know you’re not supposed to “sweat the small stuff.” But, when the BIG stuff is all bad, the little stuff just adds an additional amount of worry and annoyance;  it makes us cranky. Very cranky. I’m not Andy Rooney, I’m just little ol’ me but I’m seriously pissed off. Join me next week for another edition.