Magpie: Summer

Supple, soft skinned woman,

lounging in the dew kissed grass

her beautiful porcelain skin glistening, the sun reflects off her body, that has already kissed her blooming cheeks, her unbuttoned dress, she waits…

She relaxes in her garden, surrounded by only her friends in nature, flowers, grass, a nearby trickle of water from the fountain.

Manicured bright green grass, birds above, weaving in and out of the crisp blue sky singing their sweet songs.

Nearby, her fan rests close to her,

she is too tired to pick it up and fan herself.

She waits for the promise of her Prince to come, she is excluded by her family, by everyone. She is the rebel of the family and takes pride in that.

She has done this on purpose, she the black sheep of the family, throwing caution to the wind, waiting for her young man.

He has arrived by his dappled horse and will gasp under his breath so as not to frighten her, her eyes are now closed.

He fans her, feeds her water from the well and

carefully wraps her in his arms like he would for a precious baby.

He caresses her forehead with his soft kisses, murmurs loving words into her neck.

She smiles inwardly not letting him know that she is absolutely fine.

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Carry On Tuesday: After All, Tomorrow Is Another Day

Sun Rays Through The Clouds

Sun Rays Through The Clouds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What happens when you have those kind of days when everything seems wrong, unfair and it is just plain relentless? It’s like a nightmare when someone is tugging on your arm and you feel the pain but they don’t let up, your arm falls off instead and you scream in raw pain. When people you thought you loved keep taunting you and making you fall deeper into a hole that buries you? When you are completely misunderstood? It gets to the point that the thought of suicide feels like a vacation.

I’m not counting pills or getting out the razor blades nor am I planning to jump from the top of a big skyscraper but suicide fantasies are real; they are a means for escaping pain, too much pain. Last night I indulged in one of them. My life, lately, has been a mess. Too many changes, too much stress, too much anger and it all got to me. Dysfunctional family members ganging up on me, needlessly, almost for sport, not taking the time to think about how that would feel to them. Other members of the family leaving me out, my physical limitations making it hard for me to walk as fast, they march on ahead, leaving me to walk in back of them, physically hurting and psychologically silencing me from their conversation.They are oblivious to my emotional and physical pain, what an incredible disappointment to me and exceedingly hurtful, physically and mentally. My Fibromyalgia and Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis are not new illnesses, I’ve had them for over five and a half years now, this should not come as a surprise. My husband’s comment to me when I brought it up to him was “I forgot, I didn’t notice.” I can’t forget and neither can all of my friends who have these crippling illnesses.

I call my old best friend and she understands, she knows without hearing more than a barely audible whisper of her name that something is terribly wrong. I know what she is thinking but it is not a death or an illness though it feels like that to me; I feel like I am dying slowly inside, emotionally. My friend and I don’t see each other often at all but we are there for each other when we need one another. I can count on her for anything, she can do the same. It’s nice to know, in this complicated world, there is someone from the past who knows you and your history so well that they understand without explaining. “She is my person” as they say in “Grey’s Anatomy;” she is my Christina to my Meredith. I will also NEVER let a “professional” doctor treat me in such an unprofessional way where it hurts me, never. This caused a lot of psychological damage as well. My initial judgments are sound.

Maybe sometime soon I will want to see the sun streaming in through the windows and will take solace in the few flowers that remain, the fading yellow tulips that my daughter gave me for Mother’s Day, the bottle of sugar- free black cherry seltzer water from CVS which reminds me vaguely of almonds. I won’t mind the bite marks on my hands and feet because I will appreciate the dog that I saved when I adopted her from the animal shelter, all curled up in the fetal position, peacefully sleeping, probably drugged. She’s a wild thing now, all energy, safe, happy, loved and a bit out of control.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I hope I will have the energy to get out of bed to take a shower and get dressed, if not happy to be alive than at least grateful. Maybe there will be a small slice of sunlight crossing my body and that will make me happy. My stomach, still clenched in knots, is ever so slowly beginning to relax. The doubts I had about myself, my judgment about people, my strongest quality will come back without question because after all, tomorrow is another, brand new day and I welcome it.

I close my eyes in peace, welcoming sleep and serenity, looking forward to possibilities and not thinking of death or gloom or tragedy. I need to sync my soul back into my body to align myself with the brightness and good, sanity and happiness. I will go downstairs now and play with my puppy that I have avoided for two days; I will give her a treat, I will stroke her silky fur and even if she tries to bite me, I will hand her a bone instead and grin.

p.s. A special THANK YOU to Keith from Carry On Tuesday for just Keeping On….I so appreciate it!

Haiku Heights – Sponge

Kiss

Image by Jeremy Vandel via Flickr

Sun Drenched

Image by Digimist via Flickr

I stretch for the sun

Soaking up the last remnants

Of light before dark

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Enter in my heart

Soft, seductive song at play

Let me remember

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