Yellow Magic Madness #14- Twinkies

Box of Twinkies

Box of Twinkies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dedicated to my friend, Maureen. They will be back, Mo, I promise.

Twinkies, delicious, childhood memories of comfort and sweetness. You will be the first to get them. I promise. Gone but not Forgotten. They will be back.( Allegedly, in July……) Have no fear, your twin friend is here.

English: Hostess Twinkies. Yellow snack cake w...

English: Hostess Twinkies. Yellow snack cake with cream filling. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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The Soul Twin

English: aima n baby boy

English: aima n baby boy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My son, please sit down,  I need to tell you something. Nothing is wrong, dear, please do not worry. It is something that happened before you were born, I have carried it in my heart, my secret heart for many years. I am old now but I wish for you to know something of our past.

You know your father and I tried for over two and a half years to get pregnant. I was so sad thinking I could never have a baby. Yes, I went to a big city and had all kinds of tests and shots and drugs and procedures but I would have done anything to have you and I knew someday I would. Now, you, Dad and your sister are atheists but I am certainly not. One night I had a dream and God looked down at me from Heaven and He said, “It will take a little more time but you will have a baby and it will be a boy.” God’s message to me was all I needed to keep going and I believed in  this completely. I still, as you know, do.

Months later I got the call. Two nurses were on the phone telling me I was pregnant. There was not a happier person in this world. I remember I closed the door, dropped to my knees, said a prayer of thanks and sobbed with joy. I was in a daze the rest of the afternoon. Immediately my hand cupped my tiny belly like a fluttering butterfly. I told your father in person and he was in shock; I had to repeat the joyous news three times before it sunk in.

Three weeks later, and still I had told no one about my pregnancy except our families. After two and a half years of trying to get pregnant we wanted to wait three months, in our culture that is what we did. One day, I went to the bathroom and as I pulled down my underwear I saw spotting. I was very calm, I called the doctor’s office and they told me to come in immediately.

I got in my car as if I was in a dream, “be brave and strong, be brave and strong” I whispered to you as I headed to the clinic. By the time I got there they rushed me into the ultra sound room but this time there was a lot of blood in my underwear.  I remember saying calmly “this does not look good.” I was still in the room and then the senior nurse spoke up and said  “Wait, look right here, it’s a heartbeat, your baby is fine.” I was so relieved, so happy to see your little heart beating that I thought of nothing else. You were alright, safe inside of me. After a few minutes I asked what happened? They told me that my hormone levels had been very high so that could have been an indication of a twin or perhaps another unhealthy fetus, they were never sure.  Apparently this happens to women all the time many not even noticing the passing of an embryo.

I tried to feel sad and guilty but I couldn’t. You were still inside me and you were safe. I went home to lie down and take it easy. I tried to have feelings if it had been a twin but I couldn’t force myself to feel loss when I didn’t feel it. I had you, my baby, still inside me and that meant everything to me. We were born to be with one another. Your father and I would finish our sentences always saying: “If we should be so blessed” and we were, with you, our first son.

The only reference I have to this is a pair of small twin purple bears that I keep hidden in my bedroom closet. A psychic once said I had a baby floating in the universe that could not go to heaven because he did not have a name and out of my mouth and hers, the name Steven came. His soul was then at peace.

You were in my arms and we were a family. Twenty one months later your beautiful little sister was born, naturally, meant to join our family. Now our family was complete. I needed to tell this story to someone and it belongs to you. I had everything I wanted, a boy and then a girl but my love story is just about over, yours is barely beginning. Take with this what you want and now we can bury the past and only look to the future.

Congratulations, Celine Dion!

Dear Celine,

I just read that you are pregnant with twins and that is making me extraordinarily happy. I am grinning and know exactly how you feel.  Anyone who has gone through infertility is probably reacting the same way with universal delight.  Having a baby, for many people is a long and rough road, not to mention painful, expensive and emotionally draining.  I should know, it took two and a half years to become pregnant with our first child.

When I was going through the infertility process 20 years ago, nobody talked about it. The only people you talked to about this  gut-wrenching secret with were the other women you met in the infertility clinic and your husband. Having children had always, always been my dream for life; not having them felt inconceivable (no pun intended).  Years ago, I felt humiliated and embarrassed,  depressed and without hope.  That’s not a good feeling every day, every month for over two and a half years; I remember it  being one of the most depressing parts of my life because it felt like the death of hope. I got pregnant with my son two and a half years after we started trying, with help. Then, like thrilling magic, without infertility treatments, I got pregnant with our daughter, twelve months after our son was born.  It is a feeling no one understands until you have been through it. Believe me.

Today, it is not the shameful secret that it was 20 years ago. It wasn’t discussed on television or written about in magazines. It was whispered with hushed silences and every day there were reminders of what we did not have.  Everywhere I looked there were glowing pregnant women and adorable infants, baby carriages and pregnancy news 24/7. It’s like when you first need prescription glasses and suddenly realize how many people wear glasses.

At least now, there are support groups and people to lean on that understand the experience. When something is kept a deep, dark secret, you feel you are all alone. Congratulations, dear Celine. I am rooting for you and your precious family. I understand how it feels to go through the infertility process. You are 14 weeks pregnant, may you have a safe and healthy pregnancy. We all love happy news ; you bring us joy, you give us hope. We wish the same for you and your family.