The Bar

Pink Cocktail at Casa Blue - Brick Lane, East ...

She hid behind the bar, not facing the customers who surrounded her. If she could have been invisible, she would have been. This was the next best thing; she had no choice, she had to be there but she made no eye contact, showed no emotion, lingered on nothing but the task at hand. Mixing pink drinks, shaking, pouring, slamming each glass down on the counter averting her dark brown eyes away. It was her way of saying “F–k you” to the world. She couldn’t handle emotion in the best of times, but tonight, she just wanted to shut down and shut the doors for the last time, turn the key and pile into bed.

The decisions would have to wait, cleaning up would have to wait too, she was procrastinating on every single thing that she could. Nothing was urgent anymore; she felt displaced but couldn’t really define the feeling. It just showed in her jerky movements, in the look on her face that spoke volumes saying: “Don’t come near me, leave me alone, BACK OFF!” If she didn’t have the dark, deep lines under her eyes, and the lack of light from within them, she could be just some stranger traveling through, she didn’t belong here, home or anywhere. She had lost her place in life. It would be a long time before she would be able to reclaim it but she did have some possibilities, she just couldn’t deal with them yet. It was too soon, she needed time, distance, and the ability to bury any emotions that might slip up to the surface, way back down inside her.

Beginnings and endings are never easy and she was so, so tired. She had been hurt many times in her life before and had no room for it again, at least not now. She needed a break but she knew she couldn’t take a very long one. There was so much to do and while people had volunteered to help, there was not a way for her to ask them again, to take them up on her their kind offers. That’s why she had her good friend Sue, a cheery Public Relations master, she would be able to handle this while she dreamed only of sleeping away the rest of the night and all the next day.

When she got home she trudged up the steps with the weight of success and failure balanced on each shoulder. It seemed too hard, too heavy to carry. She didn’t change her clothes, she smoked her last cigarette and lay down in her bed that was a mess of old comforters, pillows and sheets; everything in disarray. She didn’t care, this is how she felt, she didn’t have the fight left in her to straighten things out. She refused to care about it, she refused to care about anything right now, what she wanted was escape, pure, sweet and simple escape. Reality was something to be dealt with later, much later.

We’re Allowed To Have A Horrible Day …..Or Two

dark and stormy

Image by lilli2de via Flickr

When I spoke to my friend on-line I told her I was thinking of writing a blog with the title “Losing Hope.”  I’ve learned to wait a little while and see how I feel later on. Granted, passion fruit sorbet and coconut sorbet helped a little. It was probably a combination of the sugar and the unique sorbet flavors that worked so well together.

The morning started with a phone call my husband made to a hiring manager. The good news? He is definitely the candidate that they want! The bad news? They don’t have the funding for the job.  This is the second time this has happened to my husband. He’s been unemployed for a year now. (Anyone know of a Software Engineer job?)  I see his sadness and as hard as I try to boost his spirits today I just sunk lower with him. I’ve been good and supportive but today was too much, so we acknowledged we were blue and then went out for an inexpensive Latin dinner (with a coupon) where he had tilapia (fish)with mole sauce and I had a quesadilla filled with spinach, mushrooms, cheese and horrors of all horrors, green peppers. After I finessed the green peppers to the side, I was happy.

We took our dog out for a short walk after dinner and as much as my joints hurt, and my knee locked, my fatigue overwhelming me, at least I did it. It was one of those perfect, beautiful, warm, dry evenings. It was also something my husband wanted to do and he does not ask for much. So, our 8-year-old mutt, Callie was in heaven, my husband was smiling and after giving myself a tiny push, I felt better too.

There were some “family” issues which bothered me but I got over it with helpful prompting from my husband as in “what do you expect? They always do that….”  Enough said. My mother warned me about not eating too much food on the free cruise and the chubby girl resurfaced and I felt my body inflate and swell.

It’s hard to be sensitive, I can be very empathic but also hurt easily. It doesn’t seem to be a lesson I’ve learned or accepted. I try to “not care as much” but it’s a skill I lack and don’t think I will learn it anytime soon. At least  I’ve learned to get over something quickly which in the past could have been long and drawn out.

I’m vulnerable, to diseases, to emotions, to temperature; we all are.  After trying to fight the knowledge of a cranky,  “snarky” day, I’ve learned (most of the time ) to just give in to it and ride the waves until everything calms down. You never know, maybe the next day will be filled with sunshine,  honey and bright blue skies; it’s possible. Allow yourself to have a bad day or more when you need it and don’t feel guilty about it; we deserve it.

Soggy Cereal, Wilted Lettuce, Elizabeth Hasselback and Me

I am too tired to think, speak, eat. Too weary to walk, talk, move. My body is aching and sore from being in the car yesterday for more than 4 hours total. In the car, out of the car, each movement is painful, uncomfortable and is such an unbelievable effort. It was visiting day at camp and we were NOT going to miss out on seeing our kids, who are  really not kids anymore, they are 16 and almost 18. They will, to us, always be our kids, our grown-up babies.

The Imuran medication which I take for the aches and pains of an auto-immune disease, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, an Inflammatory Disease, Fibromyalgia and possibly Arthritis, has not done a darn thing; at least not yet even though I have been on it for six weeks. I know, I know, I will give it 2 more weeks, just in case.  I’m tired of being a patient, even more so, a patient, patient. I want to stop all the wretched stiffness now; my body is wearing me down and my mood is plummeting. I don’t even think a good dinner would cheer me up and that speaks volumes,  for anyone who knows me. Food is Life, Life is Food. Too tired to even eat? Something is very, very, wrong.

I am part of a club that I don’t want to belong to.  Here I am amongst the champion women of chronic pain, chronic tiredness, chronic everything survivors club. These other women/friends have such better attitudes than me. Tonight my attitude is pure, personal, chronic misery. I feel dreadfully, chronically old. I am 53, I still feel 5 in my mind and over 85 in my body. I think young, I act young and child-like (ok, childish too sometimes) but I move like a very ill old person whose limbs  and joints hurt. Everything hurts me. I know it’s not the end of the world and there are far worse things, but I’ve been going through this for the last three and a half years. It gets better with one medicine and then I have to stop the medicine because of evil side effects. This is medicine number 3 and I don’t see myself going for a 4th. I’m so done.

I am even (gulp) considering a gluten -free diet when I return from vacation (a free cruise, I can’t start now!!)  and when school starts. I’m thinking it over and as much as a foodie as I am my health is more important than the taste of food. I hope. Did I just say that? Seriously?  I wish. I truly believe that because being on a gluten-free diet AND not feeling well will definitely put me over the edge. That, as Oprah says,” I know for sure.” I know there are gluten-free cookbooks out there but honestly, I will not spend my money on Elizabeth Hasselback’s cookbook, no offense. I will probably buy the “other” gluten-free cook book just because I find Elizabeth annoying. I am not saying she is a bad person but she is definitely annoying (not to mention way too conservative).  And so I sit, and wait and creak. Any comments or suggestions from you, my friends, about gluten-free diets would be greatly appreciated especially if you can talk me into being enthusiastic about it!