Worried Sick: One Big Crazy-Ass Blog Post

Emotion: Fear

Emotion: Fear (Photo credit: Cayusa)

I. Am. A. Robot. I have no affect. (Great psychology word, so expressive for non-expression) I lie on my bed with my computer lounging on my bulging stomach, my legs are crossed at my ankles. I still have a French manicure on my toes. I have no extreme emotions, neither sadness or happiness. No smile on my face, no frown. This is not me. I have felt like this for about a week; what has happened to me and why? The last few weeks have been busy and exciting, my daughter graduated from high school, she went to her prom, we went to her pre-prom party; all that was wonderful. I had feelings then, why not now? Here I am, not loving my new dog, not hating her, just coexisting. I don’t feel any emotion in any extreme way. “It’s a phase” I say to myself, “It will pass…you are tired.”

I try to analyze myself: am I hiding emotions, protecting myself, WAIT, I did feel something the other day that felt like strong responses. I felt RAGE and I felt IMPATIENT. But, now I’ve forgotten why–oh no, forgetting things again!! That IS indeed scary. I’ve also been worried lately about my health: I think I have Multiple Sclerosis, (which is now considered an autoimmune disease like my Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis? really?) Ovarian Cancer, Stomach Cancer, Alzheimer’s Disease (both for me and my husband) and various other horrible illnesses. All life threatening. I feel scared of the unknown, yes, it is known as ” anticipatory anxiety,” I am fearful. Should I just take a xanax (anti-anxiety medication) and shut up? I’m thinking maybe it’s time….I bet my pal, Jenny Lawson, Bloggess, extraordinaire, would urge me to take one…okay, maybe two. I should take medication “as needed” the trouble with anxiety is that while you are going through it you think you are sane…..when you are REALLY NOT thinking clearly (little crazy voice in your head says “but maybe you are….”) at all.

Am I just having a full-fledged anxiety attack? (sounds like it) Probably (now on paper too!!) You know, ever since I made that damn appointment with that neurologist it’s been hounding me like a dog with it’s smelly barbecue flavored chew toy. I should know, I have a dog, and let me tell you she does not let go of her bones, she grips it with all her meaty strength. She will bite me or anyone who gets in her way of food. I can understand the love of food but those bite marks hurt.  They make us all look like heroin addicts with her baby teeth bite marks. Where was I? Oh yes, neurologist: my internist suggested I go a few months ago for tingling under my feet and in my hand. I don’t think I even have those symptoms anymore but it’s one of those things I can’t cancel…..(because it’s bad luck) because I should check it out. In my mind, I see Ellis Grey from Grey’s Anatomy one of my favorite television shows and that scares me. neurology, neurologist, even going for an appointment scares me to death.  I may indeed have a diagnosis; I believe it’s called FEAR.

I don’t feel anything yet I worry, not a good life to be living. My own post is scaring me. I’ve been there before, I will get out of it again. Maybe I just need more sleep. Or take Albuterol since climbing up all those flights of stairs today at my daughter’s orientation at college made me wheeze and it won’t go away. (I have no medication for asthma). I just need to slow it down, in my body and in my mind. I have a solution: a nap; that would do me a lot of good and some herbal raspberry tea. It will put all my FEARS to rest and give me the sleep I’m lacking. I can never sleep well, the first night someplace new anyway. Maybe they have a term for that, I can add to my list of phobias.

p.s. the photo scares me too.

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5 thoughts on “Worried Sick: One Big Crazy-Ass Blog Post

  1. You’ve done extremely well, in my book, considering all you’ve gone through. You are stronger than you feel. Other people would be locked up in a psych ward.

    1. Go ahead and take the meds. You do NOT need to suffer.
    2. It’s not bad luck to cancel.
    3. Whatever is, is or isn’t. Knowing one way or the other is anxiety reducing.
    4. Forgetting is also a result of stress & fear. The blood is directed away from the brain into muscles into the extremities (tingling?) for fight or flight. High stress and fear gear the body for fight or flight, not for “thinking” and memory.

    Sending you tons of love and concern,
    j

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  2. The photo should scare you…it’s scary.

    I was having many of these same feelings for months. Finally I asked my psych for something, he prescribed Buspar, it has helped a lot. Then I wonder if perhaps I’m just past that phase and I could go off of this drug…but I’m afraid to feel like that again. I feel more normal now..but still stressed out!

    You’ve had a lot lately that would cause major ups and downs. I think sometimes our bodies say…ok, enough, just slow down and reassess. but it’s hard to do that when you are afraid. I know I have that problem. My body wants to reboot I think, but my brain is too scared.

    A neurologist isn’t that scary really. I see one at least every 3 months. I saw one yesterday. I see them for my migraines, and the Intercranial Hypertension. Stuart saw one when he had his scary spell last year.
    I know you are frightened, I have been each time I see a new doctor…especially a new specialist. What if they find something horrible. but for me, they often find very little, and sometimes that is also scary, because I know something is wrong, so why can’t they find it. (yes I think they have now…but it used to be so scary, I’d doubt myself, maybe I was making it up, maybe my mind was playing tricks on me…ect….but I am sick, and finally I know why.)

    Remember, you can’t treat what you don’t know.

    Reach out for help. You must take care of you first.

    are you a bit sad about your daughter leaving? I know I would be…happy for her, but scared, and sad too.

    hugs to you.
    a ridiculously long comment from
    wendy

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  3. I’ve been reading your posts for months now. Sometimes you’re writing is witty, vivid and downright funny. Other times I get concerned with your state of mind. This post disturbs me because you seem to suffer from just about every ailment possible which leads me to believe a lot of it is in your head. Take it from a paraplegic Vietnam vet, please get to a shrink and make sure you get your brain healthy before you do something to hurt yourself. I promise you, you’ll find many of your physical issues will disappear. Please take care of yourself. My wish is for you to have a happier, healthier future. With kind regards, Mike

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  4. Very moving my friend. I know how this feels. You know, I think fear causes a detachment from our feelings. Fear can take over everything.

    I’ve been thinking the past few days that I might feel better if I write about what’s going on with me, but lately, I am frightened as well, only I would truly welcome a good neurologist. Strange, but I have always thought I might have MS. The last (good) neurologist I saw thought I did, but the MRI didn’t show it. He said it takes a long time to show up on the MRI, and didn’t diagnose me. Today, I had so many symptoms of Lupus, which they undiagnosed me with. They are all so closely related it seems. I’m so sorry you’re worried and not feeling like yourself. It’s hard having scary illnesses.

    And, about our sweet dogs, I think hugging mine, esp., when I’m feeling numb, helps me feel. It’s hard not to feel when you touch their soft fur or give em a big, long and strong hug.

    Note: Tiny used to be like that about food. I took pieces of hot dogs (not the red dogs, they are so bad) and when he ate, I would drop a piece in the bowl. Each day, drop a piece, then two, and get a little closer each time, until finally, she will know that when you get close to her while eating, ultimately getting your hand right beside her mouth, b/c it will be full of hot dog pieces (or any special treat) and she will say wow when Mom’s hand gets close to my bowl, it sure taste good! If it worked with Tiny, I have confidence in the method.

    I hope you feel better soon. You and your hubby will be in my prayers.

    Love, your friend, Michelle aka dogkisses.

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  5. Breathe Big Sis…..I do know where you’re at….I’m in the same mental state most of the time….I have a big ole whiney story I’d love to unload, but I will wait til you’re feelin a bit better. Life is one big blah at times I swear. I’m here for ya tho, if u need to vent…or just deflate…whatever ya need. Here’s some virtual hugs anyway! xoxox
    T

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