t minus 2

English: Rubber bands in different colors. Studio photo taken. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

thoughts are flying out of me so quickly i can’t even title them or remember what they are. all i know is that my stomach is one tight structure of steel, a steel ball of nerves and when i start back eating american cheese sandwiches you know i’m in bad shape and need a lot of comfort.  things have been spiraling out of control for months now, i can’t write, i cant sleep i can’t but sometimes i eat too much, comfort food, cocolate, yes, I am one of those people who have two stomachs, one for meals and the other for dessert. sweet comforting dessert. dessert like a religion. please bless me. bless my family, i’m not sure how long my stomach strands can take this endless stretching. i see them like rubber bands stretched until they pop until they swing back and hit me bring me down even lower than i was before. no more talks to myself, cheery thoughts now just paralyzed in emotional pain.

too many bad thoughts invade my space in and out, there have been good days that i have been proud of and horrible days like today when he made a joke which made me burst into tears, humor like that is not appreciated. and when “annie hall” tweedle dee tweedle dumb said i have no time for you but if someone cancels… no she is supposed to hear my voice even if its transference that’s ok. cancellation, relaxation. a daughter in a day, a son in four.

we’re soul mates she said matter-of fact, that is not the first time I have heard that it it was nice to hear it again, soothing. no traveling, no trip,  idunno, i dunno, job, start, maybe, maybe not.i need some answers to thees ongoing questions that keep coming up after another mystery is solved which opens up another scary category of medical ambiguity.

who thought it would be his heart? how can i not v isualize being there for my dad and mom and how dare she say she was there too, no, she was never there. no she was never ev er there for anyone but herself. what did elena say “wow,, shse really really hates herself.” that’s the only thing we agree on, apparently and she does not even know it.

spirits need to help me more but i need to find them first, name them, talk to them, reach out and i need to do the work for that when i am ready. t minus 2 why do i feel so alone? because i really truly am. my kids are still kids, its just a test, its just a test its just a test.