Too Much Death In The Air

I haven’t written. I know. I’m down. Way down. I admit it. The scent of death lurking in the air. Gail, John’s wife is dead. John has an inoperable brain tumor, everyone wishes he would die, especially him. He only has days to live, Gail died yesterday. These people were like part of my family. They loved our dog, once they had their own dog. It brought back memories for them. Sweet memories.

Waiting. In tears, or on the verge of, always. Like now, all the time. Writing it down doesn’t make it easier or harder, there is no solution. Nothing can resolve this miserable situation, not a funeral, not two funerals.

Only, if they were buried together, if he died too, in the next two days, then, I could somehow see something positive because they were meant to be together always, married together, buried together. Everyone would feel better. When you tell a terminally ill brain tumor patient that his wife has passed and he says “Thank God” what does that mean?

Her suffering was more important to him than his own. I can’t seem to get over this very personal story, this couple, extended family, invited to every birthday party of my children, every summer barbecue for years.

When my father was alive they were my parents’ best friends, very best friends. When my dad died, they “adopted” my mother, were so wonderful to her, every day. When the wife coveted a certain kind of brownie I would buy it for because she loved nothing more than chocolate, except her husband, always her husband.

Somewhere, this must be bringing up my father’s funeral inside me, it has to be, I am sobbing in that way, down deep place that there is no control over. Of course it would bring up his death. I am really slow. My mother, who would never acknowledge this about herself has lost her two closest friends, while she may not relate this to her husband’s death, deep down she will feel it unconsciously.

I feel helpless and I acknowledge I am helpless. I am oversensitive and needy. I ask friends for reassurance, while direct, is not necessary. Because once asked, does it really mean the same thing? I regret asking now.

Taking a short break from social media where some people are cruel with their words, there is no room in my life for cruelty of any kind.  I want to be moving and doing and yet, I remain huddled in bed. Last night I crashed at 8:30 pm and I am still in bed at 11:00 am with no motivation to move.

Everyone wants them to be buried together at the same time. It would give the story some meaning, a tiny bit of meaning.

I cry, I dry my eyes, I cry again.


8 thoughts on “Too Much Death In The Air

  1. Oh my dear, I am so sorry. No it is not wrong to want him to be free of his suffering and to join his beloved. This is his wish too I’m sure.
    Grief is not something you can control. The sobs will come. The waves. You are a wonderfully sensitive person, it is a gift and a curse. You gave a very loving tribute here. The memories are a precious gift, try to wrap yourself in the warmth of the happiest ones. Oh I’m so not good with words….I know nothing I can say will make this any better and yet I am trying. Just know I would make it better if I could. Please forgive my clumsiness of trying.


    • You are nothing short of an angel and PERFECT with your words, Wendy. Yes, being sensitive is more of a curse I find than a blessing. But, that too shall pass. Nobody can change the situation, I’m trying to focus on the good things in my Life and being MINDFUL. the new word of 2015, you are a dear friend.


    • The weeping is ok – a cleansing. It is not wrong to want him to die quickly – not because they can be buried together – but because his human life is almost over and he can quickly go onto the next life and be with her. Human burial is for us the living because we symbolically think the “person” is still with us on our plane of existence if buried here on earth.
      There are no accidents and she died first possibly to be able to welcome him and, from what you say, to relieve him of his suffering for her so he too could let go and die – for some unknown reason that needed to happen.
      All of our grieving is for the dream of what we hoped could have/would have been, not for what was or is.


      • Actually, truth be told, all of us want him to die, so that they can be buried together at the same time. It would make a little more sense out of the same tragedy. You do go for the living, but there really is no one living left. They didn’t even bring him to see her (I don’t know why) when they knew she had 1-2 days to live. Not even for him to say good-bye.


      • Here’s my belief:

        He didn’t need to say goodbye because they will know each other into eternity. There is NO goodbye. (Why they didn’t bring him to see her was probably more out of convenience – for themselves).

        I think you are trying to make sense of this logically and intellectually rather than spiritually. Ours is a spiritual existence in eternity not a physical existence as we know it on earth. We are human BEINGS here on earth. We are spiritual BEINGS forever. The part of us that never changes is our limited awareness of our eternal soul. Our bodies are meant to deteriorate and die. Our existence, which I can not begin to imagine, in the next realm continues


  2. What a deeply, raw and moving tribute to Gail, John, your father and your Mother too. One of my very best friends just died of a brain tumor last month (she was 61) and your post brought me flashbacks of feelings.

    Not meaning at all to be trite or dismissive – the one thing that did/does sustain me is my Baha’i belief that this time on earth is our “first life” and we do go on to the next realm where we continue to learn and evolve and then “die” into the next realm and the next and the next.

    Even though I truly believe that who we are – our personality, our memories, our soul lives forever I very much miss my friend here on this world. No belief system in the world can still our grief over our losses.


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