Fighting Seems Like Death Sometimes

Image by krakovsky via Flickr

I wear no make-up, my hair is dirty and uncombed, no pink lipstick to brighten my face or the empty feeling in my soul. The clothes I wear today are shapeless, I am invisible, but you can still see me.  There are no smiles or light flirtations slipping from my lips, no gurgling sounds of interest and empathy. There are no words, not one single syllable. I am inside myself.

There are no idioms to soothe me, there are no thoughts to brighten me, I am falling slowly from the top of a cliff. I am not skydiving with dazzling energy and lightness, seeking thrills. It’s a slow death, seeing the images that have haunted me as if I was watching a silent movie. There is no black and there is no white, only dark gray. Those who thought I had it all, I have nothing today. Am I loved for who I am unconditionally? That is how I love you.

You and I are so much alike that when it is good it feels like bursting happiness and beaming sunshine and when we fight, it is the bottom of a dark and painful hell. If I could have it any other way, I would. We are forever bound with love and we share a heart. I feel myself falling into murky waters of unknown depths and destiny. What would you say at my funeral if it was today?  Would you say a prayer, read a poem, talk from your heart? Would you try to be stoic and fight back the tears or would you openly weep as I would for you? I would throw myself into the musky dirt to lie beside you if something happened to you; I would not want to live.

You have no idea how much you hurt me and yet even if I try to explain it to you, you deny it vehemently. Like two fighters in a ring, no one listening, both talking, fighting, an emotional blow to you, to me. There is no winner, everybody loses when they fight, all you get from fighting is pain. Will you learn later on that staying and talking through things are better than running away? Time will have to teach you that because I have tried and failed.

At the same time, do you not know that I love you with a special love reserved for no one else? You have always occupied that place in my heart, I love you more than I love my own life;  I would leave the world and disappear if you could guarantee me that I would never again see that sad, woeful expression on your face again. I would do that for you; I would do that for me too. In my heart and soul, I know that before I saved myself, I would save you first.

Haiku Heights – Whisper

Image by f towery via Flickr

Mouth close to my ear

Seduction of a secret

It starts with a spark

***********************************************************************

Under the blankets

The children giggle and hush

Talking in the night

************************************************************************

I cradle my dog

She is my secret keeper

Arms blend with soft fur

************************************************************************

Red and blue flowers

Barely move with the soft wind

A whisper, a touch

************************************************************************

A Food I Was Surprised to Like

Come To Mama

braised short rib

Braised Short Ribs. I have been remiss for so many years for ignoring these delicacies on any menu. I imagined them to be like spare-ribs, tough, chewy and on the bone. What was served to my salivating mouth was a small portion of the softest, succulent beef that I have ever eaten. I didn’t even need a knife to cut these beautiful, tender pieces of beef. A mere touch of a fork made them fall apart in singular strands.They sat next to a small pile of mashed potatoes surrounded by sweet, slightly crunchy, cooked string beans. I would go back to this restaurant in a minute; I would order the same exact thing I just described and I would be a very happy, customer. Again.

Banana Milkshakes

Image via Wikipedia

I feel really poorly again today and I don’t know why. Every step hurts, every joint aches, every muscle is stiff, and I’m not hungry, which is definitely unusual. The windows had been open with fresh air coming in but I missed the comfort of the cool air conditioner and a cozy blanket and the room swaying like a slow-motion ballet. My head is pounding and I feel weak, it’s hard to move, hard to think, I feel like throwing up but can’t.

I tried Alleve for my body aches and headache but it didn’t help. I always question and try to diagnose my ailments and when I come up with no new answers, I sigh and breathe deeply and think “Fibromyalgia Flare?” Or maybe it’s the flu or too many allergens, a virus or just a few bad days. At this point I don’t care what it is or what it is called, I just know I am back in bed, with my dog near me and my mood, weary. I’m tired of being tired and achy and I want to slip into my sneakers and go places, see people. Instead, I am alone with my book but I haven’t read one single page.

I tried so hard to heal myself and I made a banana milkshake, with very ripe bananas, milk and ice and sipped it slowly to try to soothe my spirits, to hydrate myself with bright and shiny, nutritious food. It didn’t help and I am disappointed; I thought for sure that the banana milkshake cure would help me. I tried to listen to music and sing but I just couldn’t stand to listen to the music, so I stayed silent, listening only to the beating downpour of rain attacking my windows. I can’t even think of leaving my bed to help out with driving and that makes me feel both guilty and drained; my head pounds harder, my whole body feels hot and it burns like a slow-cooker, constant with a warm temperature.

Last night I felt worse than today and I tried to cure my evening with chocolate. There’s a lot to be said about half a big pack of M & M’s at the end of a very long day. I chose each pretty color to pop into my mouth and crunch. I know it is not right to treat illness and malaise with food  but once in a while, the cheerful colors of M & M’s soothe me, the endorphins kick in and I go to sleep.

Perhaps tomorrow I will feel chipper and I will wake up happy, my head and eyes clear and more energy in my body. Maybe my legs will swing over my bed and I will greet the day with enthusiasm. But if not, maybe it will happen the next day or the one after that. If I still feel the same way I will eat the rest of the pack of M & M’s, make another banana milkshake and begrudgingly call the doctor. I will have to go in to see her and she will most probably tell me “it’s viral, go back to bed and drink plenty of liquids” as if I didn’t know that already.

If I Could Relive One Day of My Past

I Do

Felicia Was Not A Runaway Bride.

My wedding day. I was so excited that day that I didn’t have time to relax and enjoy the event and the delicious food that everyone raved about. I love weddings and any happy occasions. I would have taken a longer look into my parents’ eyes, I would have circulated more and thanked every single person that came to my wedding, in honor of our celebration. I would have most definitely changed the cake since it had no flavor and it was only after the fact they told us the pastry chef didn’t come in that day. 22 years later I look back and wish I had bitched about it!!  I would definitely have kept my white sneakers on because it delighted my happy feet and my guests. I would want the day to have been in slow motion because there are not many days to celebrate such utter joy.

Invisible

Image by bedrocan via Flickr

Yesterday, every injured step I took was painful

like I was walking on hot coals with my entire body broken into fleshy muscle, cracked bones and dangling limbs.

The old, blue carpeted stairs in my home offered no comfort,

I clutched the shaky wooden banister in order to move, very slowly, inch by inch.

I could not hide my pain to the three members of my family

and I told them I was in pain.

Perhaps they couldn’t see me or hear me through my gloomy, cloudy fog

for no one offered sympathy or support;

No one even acknowledged my pain or my cream-cheese face or lack of appetite.

My head pounded from the sound of relentless jackhammers inside me,

It was like I was throwing myself repeatedly against the same jagged edges of a mirror,

Cutting myself, dripping with bright red blood all over my pale fleshy body.

I told them I was in pain,

Yet no one seemed to hear me.

Haiku Heights – Friendship

Image via Wikipedia

My friend says thank you

She hates to be photographed

She allowed me one

*************************************************************

Sad to lose a friend

A piece of myself leaves too

Change is hard for all

*************************************************************

Finding my way back

To childhood friendships, the core

Emotional bond

*************************************************************

What does being a friend mean

It’s doing things, not talking

Holding hands at dusk

************************************************************

Someone Who Has Influenced the Way I See the World

Image via Wikipedia

Sharing What We Have

I grew up in a very tight-knit family, just my parents, my sister and I. We ate meals together but my parents were not very sociable people. The focus remained on the family and if someone came over they had to call first. Heaven forbid they came at mealtime because there wasn’t enough food.

When I was in college I shared an apartment with three really good friends. At dinner one night, some different friends stopped by and I was worried because I knew we didn’t have enough food. That didn’t matter to my good friend Maureen. I remember, in detail, how she invited the friends to the table. We all made screeching sounds with our chairs to make room for our friends. Maureen, with clear simplicity of heart said “we will share what we have with you.” A new hero was born. I had never been exposed to that before and ever since then, if people stop by at dinner time, friends of my son or daughter, I always say “of course there is enough” and enjoy having a little less for myself. Thanks Maur.

My Favorite Month

Image via Wikipedia

Happy Birthday To Me

October. It’s based on what SHOULD be a national holiday. My birthday. ( It’s also the month of our anniversary and the birth of our son who will be 19.)

I admit it, I am like a complete baby when it comes to my birthday. I look forward to my birthday as if I was 5 instead of turning 55. Here’s the thing, I don’t care how OLD I am (and I am old) I still love my birthday. My daughter refused a candle on her cake on her July birthday at the restaurant and she’s 17. I would cry if there was no candle on my large slice of some vanilla, coconut cake or some gooey milk chocolate cake preferably with pink edible sugar roses and raspberries. Birthdays thrill me! I enjoy everyone’s birthday probably more than they do. Some people say “it’s just another day” but it isn’t to me, it’s special! Besides, Libra Girls Rock.

Old Pain Anew

Image by ec-jpr via Flickr

Many moons ago

They told me that I probably would never conceive babies.

I was lost inside myself with pain and grief, tears dripped down me like a steady rainfall.

I suffered emotionally and physically, drugs, blood drawn, nightly injections plunged

in to my thigh from my husband.

The pain took over me, possessed me with the sole, solitary routine of sadness and grief.

They told me I couldn’t have babies, that I was barren.

I listened to them every bright sunny day until every dark dismal night for two and a half years.

Those stupid fool nurses and doctors who clucked their heads at my chances were wrong.

When I got pregnant it was the happiest time in my life, I burst with blossoms.

I loved being a glowing pregnant woman sharing a secret with her unborn child

my hand rubbing my tummy lightly in soft circles.

My children were born twenty-one months apart, now 17 and almost 19.

I gave birth to each of them, a blessing, a gift, two presents from G-d.

The years pass too quickly, like a frenzied movie at the wrong speed.

I miss the emotional softness from young children

kisses soft as goose down, sloppy hugs, wet kisses and shiny faces like lit pumpkins.

My son is leaving for college in three weeks

I  realized this pain is very familiar, it is the feeling of loss.

It hurts but I am older now however,

the past, as I know it, is gone forever.

Time moves at a rapid pace robbing us of memories.

They are leaving me, and not turning back to wave good-bye,

I know that they will return but it is a new stage, a turned chapter, a new course.

It is a big change and one that we all may love but tonight, in this instant,

I feel barren, all over again.